“Show us your tits!”
“Should have made a show about me...”
“Is there Kryptonite in your balls, Clark? Grow some!”
“My mansion's security sucks ass.”
“What's with Smallville? With the Small, and the Ville, and the Clark, and the Kent, and the superpowers, and the hot girl, and the meteors, and the bald guy...”
“It's dirty, it's bloody, and it's full of surprises. Wha? I was talking about my underwear, but the same goes for Smallville. ”
Smallville is a small ass town somewhere in Kansas (AKA. Cloverdale,B.C, in Canada) that no one cared about until a hundred metric assloads of space garbage got dumped in their town. The town's average IQ is 53 and is populated entirely of hicks that look exactly like fashion models and act like horrible actors. People ended up learning that the green meteor rocks give them strange powers. There was one occasion where a baby was infected by the meteor rock and started farting poisonous gases that knocked out anyone within a five mile radius and gave many of the victims permanent strep throat. The Smallville high school is the only school in Smallville. There is a 47% survival rate for students. Some people also claim to have seen a space ship crash land with the meteor shower, but this is just crazy, and has absolutely nothing to do with that loser Clark Kent.
Ever since the first Meteor Shower, lots of weird stuff started going down. For one, the town started to have an increase in mutants, something that usually only happens in Marvel Comics. It appears that meteor rocks, as know as shiny kryptonite, can be found in titanic amounts just about everywhere in Smallville, and can be used in many products, from Stride gum to car fuel. Nobody uses kryptonite outside the rural redneck city.
It also seems that a solo hero has been doing his share of community service by kicking all of the freak mutant asses. Apparently no one ever sees him. Must be super fast or something. Finally, all this usually happens near Clark Kent. He's a bad liar and an attention whore. I mean... look at that picture on the right. It SCREAMS attention whore. But it doesn't have anything to do with him. He's a loser. He is ridiculously dumb. Anyone that see's him Clark claims that they must die so that he can save his mom and his barn.
Home of Superman?
One of the biggest rumors of this town is that it is the hometown of Superman. This leads people to believe that Superman is actually the hero of Smallville! This is unlikely however, seeing that Clark Kent is at nearly every incident, its impossible someone so cool would want to be anywhere near someone so lame.
Batman began making guest appearances on Smallville in Season 6. However, like many DC Comics characters that have appeared on the show, his character was slightly modified. the Smallville version of Batman wears a green suit, and, instead of throwing Bat-Discs, he fires green arrows. Thus he has tentatively been dubbed Gay Batman.
There are only 13 places on which all the series develop:
- The barn on the Kent Farm
- The Kent's kitchen
- Smallville High
- Gopher hole
- Smallville's Hospital where the staff know the main characters better than their own family
- The /billiard room of Lex's mansion
- The exterior of Lex's mansion
- The Local hardcore bondage strip club
- The Top-Secret Evil Luthor Lab (with those words spelled in neon lights across the front)
- The Daily Planet
- Winnie the pooh's lair
- Some old dudes Car
- A street corner representing ALL of Metropolis.
There are precisely eight, sorry, nine types of plots that make up a Smallville episode. They are:
- Type 1: Someone becomes inexplicably obsessed with Lana Lang.
- Type 2: A crazy mutant appears at school, becomes inexplicably obsessed with Lana Lang, kidnaps and/or kills someone, but is captured or killed by Clark and his friends by the end of the episode.
- Type 3: Someone shoots Lex or Lionel Luthor. Whoever they are, they're probably inexplicably obsessed with Lana Lang and trying to protect her from Lex and Lionel whom everyone knows are pure evil because they drink Scotch, play Pool and are rich.
- Type 4: One of the main characters gets possessed, exorcised, turned evil or otherwise experiences a change in personality; then snaps out of it, doesn't remember anything they did, and asks "What happened?" all innocently.
- Type 5: Clark Kent became evil because of red, black, pink, whatever color kryptonite except green.
- Type 6: Some of Clark friend goes to the hospital. Has a life threatening surgery, but at the end of the episode visits the Kent's Barn like nothing ever happened.
- Type 7: Pissed off mutant teenager escapes from one of Lex Luthor's projects and seeks revenge, usually becoming inexplicably obsessed with Lana Lang, Clark Kent sees nothing but good in the teen. They end up in a two mood fight and no one ever tells anyone about the stupid farm boy's secrets.
- Type 8: Clark learns of one of Lex's programs, such as a lab that develops advanced prosthetics and killing mutant children
- Type 9: Jonathan Kent falls into a coma. Sometimes there's a reason, sometimes there isn't.
Unfortunately for the writers, Plot Type 8 was rendered useless when Jonathan Kent finally decided to kick the bucket right after he beat the tar out of Lionel Luthor following Lionel's confession of his undying love for Clark.
- Type 9: Somebody else from Krypton shows up. In spite of Krypton being destroyed and everyone on it dying, there are a hell of a lot of these people out there and they all seem to come to Earth. Usually, they're a criminal from the phantom zone, but they might be from some other source. Almost invariably, they're evil and Clark ends up fighting and defeating them, even if he wouldn't stand a chance against them were they fighting without the benefit of powers.
Hang on, it looks like there's a tenth type
- Type 10: Someone shows up and carries out some kind of mischief. It will emerge that they are another super-powered tween. Clark rescues/helps them, befriends them and shows them that they don't have to be an outsider just because they have powers (as well as unintentionally embarrassing them with his own far more impressive array of abilities that put their own to shame). The episode will end with them rescuing Clark from some dumb-ass, spot-it-a-mile-off kryptonite-type accident/trap, being a nice super-powered being and devoting their life to helping people, etc. These characters can show up again in the future, but won't be overused as it would push up the special effects budget too far.
And the eleventh type
- Type 11: Clark meats an member of the Justice league and they don't get on. But then Clark befreinds them and if the actor is lucky enough they might stay for the rest of the series.
- Clark develops a new ability. Since a whole hour of him commenting on how he can suddenly hear a whole lot more things on the farm would be tedious, this power will be discovered at just the right moment for him to save the day when things get bad in the main storyline. None of the characters will comment on how it's a good job this situation didn't happen last week, before he had the power.
- Lois or Chloe will decide to finally tell Clark she loves him. Or Clark will decide to tell Lois. This moment will be interrupted by the events of the main storyline and be returned to at the end of the episode. At this point, someone like Lana or Oliver will turn up and interrupt to declare their undying love first. The recipient of this message will say something like 'Great, but Lois/Chloe/Clark was just about to say something..?', leading to Lois, Chloe or Clark a) muttering something along the lines of 'Oh nothing, it doesn't matter' b) walking slowly away or watching, sadly, as the other characters kiss. At this point, a song by some flavour-of-the-minute tween group starts playing in the background and the credits roll. Note: At no point will whoever was about to speak tell the newcomer to wait his/her turn and just come out with it, as this would ruin the subplot for future episodes.
- Now that the principal characters are offcially outside high school age, it can be acknowledged that they're all drop-dead gorgeous, with looks and bodies to die for. Although always played by actors well into their twenties, or older, when they were still supposed to be in high school, it was sorta creepy having lingering shots of topless, buff males, or sweaty, low-cut top wearing females. Now, this is fine and to be taken advantage of wherever possible. There has been talk of producing a Smallville-themed range of boxed tissues and hand cream, to accompany the series, but this is still under discussion.
Crossover with Supernatural
It has been long rumored, but only recently revealed that Smallville will be crossing over with other CW series Supernatural. In an interview Supernatural creator Eric Kripke commented on the impending crossover quoting, "If I'm going down, I'm taking those assholes at Smallville with me." Not much is known about the plot other than Sam Winchester, and brother Dean Winchester, will travel to Smallville, in an attempt to investigate the strange occurrences there. It is also speculated that the truth about Dean's past life in Smallville, along with dating the town's It girl, Lana Lang, during his year spent in the town will be further explained in the crossover episode. Little else is known other than the Winchester brothers will mistake Clark for a demon, and subsequently kill him. It is also rumored that Sarah Michelle Gellar will guest star in the episode, reprising her role as Buffy Summers, in an attempt to make the episode even more needlessly crappy than the writers originally intended it.
- Chloe Sullivan: Boy, Clark. It sure was a good thing you managed to get here split seconds before that bullet killed Jimmy through a plate glass window that would have shattered all over me and knocked me over onto Lois, breaking her neck and causing her to press that ENTER button which would have detonated that bomb attached to Lana that this week's insane meteor freak planted on her.
- Clark Kent: Yeah, I know! Crazy shit, huh?
- Lois Lane: Clark, how did your barn door just shoot out of the sky like that?
- Clark: Uh, it was probably the wind. It does that sometimes.
- Lois Lane: No way.
- Clark: Uh, actually now that I think about it ... I have been measuring a shift that has been taking place in the Earth's axis and that combined with the solar wind eroding that magnetic field has caused a miniature, temporary black hole to form here, at the epicenter of all this conundrum. Subsequently, the organic molecule in my barn door and the lead paint were affected by the black hole and that caused it to fly off like so.
- Lois Lane: Oh.
- Pete Ross: Clark, help! I'm going to die!
- Clark: Shut up, Pete. Where's Lana?
- Clark: Okay, Chloe, turn around and bend over. I'm going to ram my...oh, the red kryptonite has worn off. What was I doing just then?
- Chloe: Sh*t! Erm, I mean nothing, nothing at all and I shall never speak of this again.
- Lex Luthor (after seeing Aquaman, Green Arrow, Cyborg, The Flash and Superman): So, where's Batman?
- Green Arrow: Shhh! Shut up, Michael! Do you want to get our asses sued?
- Clark: Hello Lex.
- Lex: Clark what's happening?
- Clark: Lex, I just heard that a man died of a heart attack somewhere in Cambodia. Did you have anything to do with this?
- Lex: Um... No?
- Clark: I'm on to you, Lex!
- [Clark walks away, glaring at Lex suspiciously]
- [Clark walks into Lex's mansion where Lex is either playing Pool or drinking Scotch; both if he's being particularly diabolical in this episode]
- Clark: Lex! I just found out something strange.
- Lex: What is it now, Clark?
- Clark: Both the Jews and the Romans say that they didn't crucify Jesus Christ.
- Lex: Yeah, so what?
- Clark: Quit playing games, Lex. I know you're the one behind this. Admit it, you killed Jesus!
- Lex: You do know you're insane, right? Now leave!
- Clark: I'm not leaving without answers, Lex.
- Lex: ... OMG!! Get the fuck out of my house, you moron.
- Clark: This isn't over. You won't get away with this.
- [Stalks out in an angry fashion]
- Clark: Well Lois now you know my secret.
- Lois: I'm the first one that you've told?
- Clark: Yes, well except for Chloe, Lana, Lex, Oliver, Pete, Arthur, Bart, Victor, Zatanna, my mom, Dinah, Kara, John Jones, Mother Goose, Santa Claus, my dog Shelby, Yoda, Edward Cullen, Zod, Barak Obama, that kid from the bar, the Chinese Government, Paul Newman, Britney Spears, Oprah, Ellen Degeneres, every meteor freak in town, a shit load of FBI agents, and just about every person in Kanas, Wyoming, Arizona, and Texas.
- Lois: Busy morning huh?
- Clark: Actually most of these people have known since the first season.
- Lois: Ok, I get it Clark, I'm always the last one to know.
- Clark: Wait, I didn't get to finish, there's also, Batman, Spongebob, Zorro, My Penis, Lady Gaga...
- [Lois walks off]
[Lex walks into Lionel's office in Metropolis]
- Lex: Dad. I heard there was a cat stuck in a tree in Metropolis Park. Would you have anything to do with this?
- Lionel: Why son, you know I happen to have a particular fondness for the felis sylvestris cattus; even if I were the demonic father you make me out to be, why on Earth would I inflict cruelty upon an innocent animal?
- Lex: I'm onto you, dad.
- [Lex sweeps out, his coat billowing dramatically in his wake. Lionel smirks in a sinister manner]
[Pete walks in to the Daily Planet]
- Pete Ross: Hey, how did you guys manage to get jobs as big-time writers for a big-time newspaper when neither of you has been to college?
- Lois: Well, I slept with the boss who turned out to be a clone of Lex Luthor's dead brother and he said I could have the job.
- Clark: Oh yeah, I also slept with the clone and he gave me the job.
- Lex: I'm dead now. You have no reason to watch the show anymore.
- Superman: Hey I think I'm ready to embrace my destiny!
- Lex: It's about time, Clark. I was getting bored of being dead.
- Superman: Watch your mouth, Mister. (slaps)
- Lex: You dare--
- Superman: Hold that thought. I think Doomsday's attacking the world. I better go push Apokolips out of the way real quick.
- Lex: Bye Clarkie!!! Did you remember your lunch?
- Superman: But mom...
- Lex: Don't you dare talk back to your mother!
- Superman: Yes ma'am (walks away)
- Darkseid: Kal-El, I have come to destroy you.
- Clark: Oh, yeah, about that. Let me just go and grab my ancient Kryptonian crystal... which I hid under a floorboard... in my barn... which I am in the process of selling....
- Darkseid: ...
- Citizen 1: Look, up in the sky!
- Citizen 2: It's a bird!
- Citizen 3: It's a plane!
- Citizen 4: It's Sup---!
- Clark Kent: Nope. It's just me...