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This is one guy you don't want delivering your pizza. But give him a cookie and he'll play Scrabble with your mom.

A Demon is a maleficent creature, spawned by Satan, conjured by ill-intent, and abjured by the darkness and deepness within the human soul. Though their forms are numerous, they all emerge from roughly the same source—the Deeper Hellrealms, beyond which no entity, mortal or immortal, can survive.

Summoning Demons[edit]

Summoning a demon requires three equally important traits; A) Cunning, B) Access to Demonological texts and their requisite diagrams, and C) A fleshy mammal.

To begin with, warm mammalian blood must be spilt upon the earth; long the preferred sustenance of Hell-entities (though barbecued meat is slightly-more preferred).

Then, the user must intimately acquaint himself with the diagrams needed to trap the ethereal demons in physical form. As beings of abstract malice, they can be bound by forms of order, such as circles, equilateral runic octagons, clean and crisply-folded bedsheets, and your mother. These forms must be correctly arranged, as the slightest slip-up can result in an unsatisfactory result (often involving your innards being splattered against the nearest hard surface).

Once bound to Earth, the demon will immediately attempt negotiation, often in obscure Victorian-era English. A simple application of any of the demonic anathemae (flowers, fuzzy rabbits, little girls, etc.) will shift his vocabulary into the most convenient language at hand.

It is at this point that cunning may be required. Demons will invariably attempt the tried and true tricks of negotiation, including double negatives (e.g. "Are you sure that you don't not want to sell your soul to us?), and whispered addendums. To match this devious skill, one must either possess great linguistic cunning, or have access to a twelve-year old. Both options are fraught.

After negotiations it is important to remember the name of the demon summoned, as names hold power. In particular, they hold the power to tattle to his immediate superior for mediocre service—and as everyone knows, the manager of Hell is rarely lenient.

For more information on summoning, see Yu-Gi-Oh.

Mating Habits[edit]

Female demons have time to lounge around and dream

Contrary to what one might expect, demons do breed, albeit rarely, and never without good reason (e.g. boredom, irritation, hatred, lack of food, libidinous urges, itchiness). Most mating rituals require physical bodies, which demons can acquire very easily through means of possession.

Demon mating rituals carry on for several weeks to only a few minutes, depending on their type. Most often, they involve female demons cleaning, washing up, prettifying themselves, and applying expensive perfume, as a prelude to demonic foreplay, which, on the part of the male, involves little more than a bottle of bourbon, a weak, sullen mind, and a ham-sized fist. Note that the fist in question is, more often than not, a moving fist.

In this way, it is very similar to the married human male pastime known as "stress relief."

In the past, demons have been known to procreate not only with their own species, but with humans as well, commonly in the form of Incubi and Succubi. Until the early 1930s, most theologians agreed that demons acted first as Succubi to collect sperm from men and then as Incubi to put it into a woman's vagina. However, Sigmund Freud, in his book Civilization and Its Discontents, pointed out the fact that demons' bodies were icy. Therefore, he reached the conclusion that the frozen sperm taken first from a man could not have generative qualities. This revolutionary new concept has since discouraged demons from raping humans in their sleep.

Demons in Captivity[edit]

Once captive, a demon can be put to a variety of uses, across a broad range of spectra. Unix programmers have managed to domesticate demons to run around in the background of multitasking operating systems and make sure that everything works. They usually handle tasks the user can not be bothered with.

The popular "Muppet Show" children's series is made up almost completely of captive demons, and the arcane masters who preside over them, atop mounds of sacrificed and dying infants. These mounds are hard to recognize, as they are often kept well off-screen.

Not as well that both political parties of the USA, the natal birthplace of demonology, utilise demons in their campaigns.

Notable Demons and Demonic Species[edit]


In 1894, a team of crack demonologists, operating their very own LDC—a Large Demonic Collider (made of two cannons, filled with ectoplasm and pointed roughly at each other) discovered, through intense pressure and excessive force, that the opposite of a demon is not, in fact, an angel but instead is a creature so horrible that its name cannot be uttered lest it destroys the entire world. This is not as serious a problem as it may seem, because the pronunciation of this word requires the speaker's vocal cords to extend into the tenth dimension.

Tentacle Demon[edit]

Kawaii-chama; a popular character on the hit Japanese television show "May I Sexy You Pants?"

The Tentacle Demon is a variety found only in the deep, deep Orient, in the land where gods and demons fall and rot and putrefy. In other words, Japan. They lack both central nervous and circulatory systems, along with the majority of normal organic organs. They are composed solely of long, inexplicably extendable phalluses—which are used in myriad, often disturbing ways. An example of Tentacle Demon mating rituals can be seen in the much loved family film Bambi.

The Arch Dukes of Hell[edit]

See also: Faust

It is difficult to truly encompass the true form of the demonic hierarchy, without a mind capable of simultaneous reasoning in five discrete dimensions and a fluent grasp of the DemonTongue. Suffice it to say that Hell is a conglomerate, ruled by a group of highly influential regional assistant managers who report regularly to a higher (or, perhaps lower) authority. They are the ones who approve wages, molest the prettiest damnedsels, and smooth over any altercations with unsatisfied customers.

They are known for their unwillingness to share power, and also for their obsession with small penetrable objects, for which they have a range of phalluses in different sizes which are interchangeable.

Charles Darwin[edit]

A minor but ingenious demon with the face of an old man and the body of a monkey. He rules over an apocalyptic future version of Earth known by the aliases Planet of the Apes and Planet Oozaru. When summoned, he will teach you all about that messed-up thing called evolution and make our fellow apes the Christians asplode out of sheer anger.


This sort of demon is an irritating one which destroys your unsaved essay you send to your teacher one day before it is due. It was employed by "Yahoo! Mail" at a salary of $19.99 a week.

Nikki Webster[edit]

The real Nikki Webster... note the whip. OUCH! I know what I want her to kiss better. *mumbles Strawberry Kisses* OBEY ME!

This demon took the form of a sweet corrupt girl, entrancing the entire world with her 'singing' and almost succeeding in her world domination. Putting subliminal messages in her songs, the popular suicide song 'Strawberry Kisses' REALLY SAID: "I've been wanting to be a Dominatrix, please help me, OBEY ME!" (please sing this to tune!).

Edward Cullen[edit]

A demon summoned by the powerful Satanic witch Stephanie Meyer, using the spellbook Twilight. Is known to sparkle in sunlight and mind controlling over 100000 fangirls, causing them to sacrifice trolls and haters who defy thy mighty Edward. He is usually frowned upon by regular vampires due to his wimpy disposition and lack of a better girlfriend.




Demons' natural habitat has come under increased pressure in the last few years, with the introduction of a new rival in the form of the Chav. Because of this most demons have packed up their bags and left for a new life in south of France or New Zealand.

See also[edit]