Yoko Ono
| Yoko Mono-Rail | |
|---|---|
 The Yoko Ono in its natural environment | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Nippon |
| Phylum | artist |
| Class | none |
| Order | yes |
| Family | fish |
| Genus | no |
| Species | succubus |
| Binomial name | |
| singer | |
| Specifications | |
| Primary armament | voice attack |
| Secondary armament | insanity |
| Power supply | All your Beatles albums are belong to her, Thunderbolt |
| Health | Hewlett-Packard |
| Mana | Mana need a break from her voice! |
| Strength | 1d6 |
| Intelligence | 1d4 |
| Weight | Anorexic |
| Length | 4 Ft |
| Special attack | † |
| Conservation status | |
| Should be extinct | |
Yoko Ono (Katakana: オノ ヨーコ, Hiragana: おの ようこ「Kanji: 小野 洋子」, Oh No Yōko!, born February 18, 1933) is a Japanese artist, musician, author and peace activist, known as the world's most successful singer ever with over 175 numbers in the US alone and 2 billion albums sold worldwide. Her 1986 Starpeace concert tour played to more than 763 million on eight continents. Yoko was always known for being "half a lesbian" and for always having hangovers. She dated several superstars like Sarah Palin, Oprah, Larry King, Tiger Woods, Tyra Banks, and Charlie Sheen. She is rumored to be a transgender by many of her exes. She has no talent and poses as Adele. Her father was a kamakazi and she never knew her mother. Yoko Ono is Turkmanistanian for "Screaming Asian Lady". It is also Dutch for "Plug Your Ears" and Iranian for "Drew Peacock might get stiff" and Hungarian for "Asain wife of one of the Greatest songwriters of all time who broke up the Beatles cuz she is very clingy". Some also say, that her name might come from her mom's experience during labour. She was eating one egg, thus yoko(yolk)and ono meaning one. This custom of eating an egg durring labour is highly cellebrated and praised in north Japan and southern Mexico.
Early Years[edit]
Visual artist[edit]
Yoko's work is synonymous with 'pure crap'. It is so bad that it has been deemed worse than mere lack of talent alone could explain, and many have speculated that the horribosity is channeled from an alien species who specialize in anti-talent. Her works are carefully kept at a distance from talented works because it's believed that if talent and anti-talent come into contact, all mansions within a 100-mile radius would be turned into trailer parks in an explosion of diarrhea. Although some argue that the difference is difficult to tell apart anyhow.
She continues to seek attention amidst cries of "I knew Lennon!" and "Let's have a John Lennon tribute!" She is also known to have organised solitary candle-light debugging to substantiate her demands. When people don't care that she wasn't in fact the genius behind John Lennon, the succubus cries out, "Look at my son! He came from Lennon!"
Pop superstar[edit]
Yoko's music career started as part of the successful pop duo onoBono with Sonny Bono, they broke up when Sonny fell in love with Tina Turner. Ono would not be single for long. After meeting John Lennon from The Monkees in 69 BC, she threatened to incinerate the rest of the band with her horrific banshee screaming if he did not marry her. Fortunately, John's special glasses made everyone except Richard Nixon attractive, and so it was love at first sight. Once the band broke up due to tensions between John and Paul Simon, she and John started recording albums like Two Virgins and The Wedding Album which sold 4 billion copies.
Yoko started releasing albums on her own, such as Ono it's Yoko, Four Yoko (a promotional tie-in with her wildly popular alcoholic beverage Four Loko), and Approximately Infinate Universe, which boasted 102 number one hits between the three. Yoko Ono's chart success was so vast that Billboard almost considered changing the pole position "Numero Ono" to pay homage to Yoko's triumphant success.
Her best-selling album was titled: "Aaaaaaaaaahhooooooooooeeeee-oo-oo-oo-aaaaaaawwwwww!".
The Downfall[edit]
Yoko's pop superstardom continued into the 1980's, but midway into the decade, she found herself eclipsed in popularity by another superstar talent, La Toya Jackson. This combined with a world tour that was cancelled because fans worldwide were so sure they wouldn't be able to get seats that they didn't even bother to check, that was cancelled. This led the diva to take a ten year hiatus.
The comeback[edit]
Yoko Ono returned in 4294 with Rising and opened at #1 with 10 trillion copies on the day of release. Since then she's added another 72 #1's on the chart and is planning on embarking on a world tour with La Toya Jackson and The New, New, Other Beatles next summer. Also, she is booked for an inter-galactic concert to one of the smaller asteroids close to the Earth. Showing disdain to paper money and metal coins, she is reported to have charged moon-pebbles, in advance, for the concert. Empty Four Loko cans are also said to be acceptable payment.
Food[edit]
Sushi[edit]
See picture. Served with ponzu sauce, a fresh cut Yoko Ono is tasty, nutritious and can serve up to twelve pretentious New York artists at once. Gender is unimportant. The dish is famous for its large mouth; eat it before it eats you.
WARNING: Much like the Blowfish, the improperly prepared Yoko Ono may result in several side effects, including, but not limited to, loss of talent, yellowing of the skin (similar to hepatitis), irritable bowel syndrome, the vomiting of one's internal organs and/or death.
Nestle[edit]
In 1999 Nestle released Coco Ono which was a tangy chocolate/soy sauce/sweet drink that tasted like the armpit of a hairy polynesian. The Nestle corporation immediately retracted it because it reportedly made people shriek, turn yellow and expand their mouth to the size of a football stadium. Recently Kelloggs tried a similar idea by creating Yoko Pops. They immediately dismissed the idea because Yoko the baboon scared all the kids with its high pitched screeching.
Somewhat Famous People Who Have Eaten Yoko Ono[edit]
Based on unreliable sources, these people have either eaten Yoko Ono or were eaten by Ono. With its large mouth, Yoko Ono seems to be a favorite dish not only for men, but women too.
Kate Millett, Nam June Paik, Dan Richter, Jonas Mekas, Merce Cunningham, Judith Malina, Me, Erica Abeel, Peggy Guggenheim, Betty Rollin, Shusaku Arakawa, Adrian Morris, Stefan Wolpe, Steve Ballmer, Keith Haring, and Andy Warhol.
Current Events[edit]
Yoko was seen on Keeping Up with the Kardashians as Rob's date and was featured in Katy Perry's "California Gurls" music video.
Yoko Ono is trying to keep up with today's hip young kids by using Myspace and by doing some collaboration music with her friends Satan, George Bush, and the Backstreet Boys. She decided that the best way to stop war was to send a letter to the U.N., which reads, " Look guys, you dudes shouldn't be starting the wars with your fellow man, man. You should be growing flowers; Remember me and my lovely, talented, and famous (but not as famous as me #sorrynotsorry) husband John Lennon, and Flower Power and shit? So, in conclusion, the next time you feel the urge to start a war with another country, you just put a seed in a vase thing and give it a good ol' watering, or just count to 10... Whatever works best for you. Yours with a hella-lot of passion, Yoko Ono, International Queen Of Pop. P.S. I love you. P.P.S. I wonder what 'P.S.' actually stands for? Popsicle Stick? Poop Smudge? Pap Smear? Hmmm... Anyway, don't do wars!"
The Death of Yoko Ono[edit]
Yoko Satan Heil Hitler Ono was found dead outside of her Manhattan home yesterday, with a bullet wound to the back. The coroner said that she had been laying there for about thirty years, but nobody seemed to notice because by passers thought is was another one of her cliche "Avant Garde" pieces that had lasted too long. Ono will be buried next to her father Adolf Hilter, come this spring.
Sightings[edit]
Although not recognised as an animal, the wild Yoko Ono has been sighted numerous times in the Pacific Northwest region of North America. Yoko is usually described as a large, hairy, bipedal humanoid. Most scientists discount the existence of Yoko and consider it to be a combination of folklore, misidentification, and hoax. It is rumored that Yoko Ono feeds on the soul of Beatles fans. the first sighting occurred in 94 B.C when a group of Native Americans encountered the beast. Legend says that the Yoko had sex with the whole village in return for their most talented singer.
