Sonny Bono
“I want copyright to last forever! If we can make it last forever, my dead corpse can arise from the grave and scare people who download my songs!”
Sonny Bono (1903-1999) was a 20th Century legend in his own mind. He was a professional skier, haiku poet, singer, and practicing scientific creationist. He was also briefly (but not legally) President of the United States.
Childhood[edit]
Sonny was born in Detroit, Michigan. His many alleged talents failed to capture the attention of anybody important there. He became a very talented musician and successful political figure.
Cher[edit]
In 1947, whilst on a bargain tour of Romania, Sonny was captured by a ravaging gang of gypsies, tramps, and thieves, who were led by their illustrious leader Cher. After many years of petty bickering, the two were married in a quiet ceremony on the Love Boat.
Political Career[edit]
In 1983, Sonny managed to escape his indentured servitude to the evil tyrantess Cher, and soon set his radar on Palm Springs, California. After a brief war waged from the cover of a high-class restaurant and a subsequent bloody coup d'état, he was declared Mayor in Perpetuity by the war-weary populace.
In 1996, Sonny was nominated by the Republican Party and ran for President against the incumbent Bill Clinton, with his chosen running mate and secret lover Fred "Gopher" Grandy. After Sonny and Gopher spent a record $500,000,000,000 during the heated election campaign, Clinton won easily by a margin of as many as 540 electoral votes.
Sonny was so enraged by his humiliating loss that he acquired several thousand thermonuclear weapons and briefly took over Washington DC and declared himself President in Perpetuity whilst Clinton was distracted by other, more pressing, issues. Four days later, Clinton challenged Sonny to a duel (shotguns at point-blank range), forcing Sonny to capitulate and high-tail it back to the relative safety of war-torn California.
Comeback[edit]
In 2007, Sonny Bono recorded a comeback single with Fonzie entitled "I Got You, Ahhhhhy!". It was a huge hit, setting of "Bonomania!", which included Romania changing their name to Bonoania, and a lawsuit from U2's lead clown Bono. He recorded a followup album entitled "Bonomania!" which featured mostly techno songs, and it flopped. He then retired from being Jesus and recording.
Also in late 2008, Sonny wrote a collaborative piece with Sammy Jenkovic titled "I Got You Mate", but after being recorded by Owen Blundell it failed to reach the top 100000.
Ultimate Fate[edit]
Sonny eventually settled down and lived a mundane and ironic life, until one day he smacked into a tree while skiing, splitting his cranium open and killing him. He did not meet God after that. Strangely, this phenomenon of "death-by-skiing" can be seen in many of Cher's numerous spouses. Perhaps, a conspiracy?
Discography[edit]
- That Bitch Cher
- I Got Me, Babe
- Theme to The Love Boat
- Bonomania!
- I Got You Mate