Monica Lewinsky

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“This vacuum cleaner bag will fix that face right up!”

~ Bill Clinton on viewing Monica Lewinsky's face

“...Shucks! It's already got a hole in it!”

~ Bill Clinton on viewing the vacuum cleaner bag

Lewinsky gets out the Primary Witnesses to her unspeakable acts. Her Teeth
Artist's impression of Billy's ideal lady
Artist's impression of Billy's happy compromise

The Monica Lewinsky is a man-sized box-shaped all-purpose input-device originally impounded in the White House by then President Bill Clinton. Essentially no different from the common-or-garden Vending Machine, the Monica Lewinsky was created simply by be-wigging the exterior and painting it white, adhering comedy wax lips to the input slot, pebble dashing the undercarriage, sewing it into a blue dress and wheeling out the final result before the world's most powerful man. He was powerless to resist.

The Monica Lewinsky's gaping aperture has an array of functions, including:

  • Vacuum-suction; capable of rapid bi-lateral movement
  • Worry-hole
  • Slurry-hole
  • Publicity-spout
  • That's it

The Human Stain[edit]

An act of gargantuan barbarity was shoved under the nose of humanity on February 28, 1997; that day a trillion Clinton juniors were dashed against the carpeted stern of the Queen Monica Lewinsky, and humanity did flinch.

A brief chronology of events[edit]

12h 00m 01s: As the soon to be not a daddy's smoking gun cooled his farm-fresh-loin-fruits lay marooned somewhere upon the Lewinksy's massive exterior, where post-coital fumes would slowly choke them to death (as confirmed by a coroners report). It didn't take them long to snuff it it, roughly one instant, but that instant saw 99.99999% of all fatalities attributable to passive smoking during the entire recorded history of the world.

12h 00m 02s: And so that shoal of young souls was whisked to the outer lip of Hell (limbo), where they will wriggle towards the beatific vision, for eternity and in vain, thwarted by demons pinching their conveniently plumpish noses.

12h 00m 03s: It's been rubber stamped by the Vatican; a trillion pre-foetuses have been sent to Hell after one careless act. Any way you look at it Bill Clinton and the Monica Lewinsky have knowingly colluded in the greatest atrocity (Great-Grand-Gross-Mega-Infanticide) our post-nuclear civilisation could ever have dreamt of being a party to. Thankfully this is an abomination of unrepeatable magnitude...

12h 00m 04s: ...No. Wait! Nine year old Randolph Foldpen of Stockbroker Belt Surrey, England just had a rude dream, and the evidence strewn across his bedsheets strongly suggests he is the new greatest mass murderer of all time!

Monica Lewinsky, as Bill Clinton, drunk on power and Woodford Reserve, saw her in his mind's eye

12h 00m 05s: Vatican City can confirm a mega-trillion little Foldpen's arrived just this moment on Hell's outer limits.

12h 00m 06s: Yup. Pope John Paul just screamed "He will be tortured for his crimes, in this life and the next!"[1]


The Monica Lewinsky's fleeting stardom was cut short as the infamy surrounding her unravelled, and the public turned to alternative atrocities for encouragement. So she slid back into being just another man-sized box-shaped all-purpose input-device. She often expounds upon how her life has lost meaning now nobody is willing to impound her.

Bill Clinton continues to rattle around in the "insult to matrimony" he and his life partner call their "husk". Last week he celebrated the third birthday of his daughter's face.


  1. The Catholic Church

See also[edit]