Sperm gun

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A cookbook picture blueprint of the sperm gun. 4,5,6-sausage barrel, 7-grapes muzzle, 12-cherries amplifier, 15-noodles breech, 16,17-eggs magazines. The rest of the numbers are not edible part of the sperm gun.

“Ready, aim, fire!”

~ General James Longrod

The sperm gun is a weapon that all males are born with, although some might lose it later in their life. It is man's main defence against women and the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transexual) community.


Wong Chin Yew , A Famous Professor , created the sperm gun out of nothing. It allowed His creations to go forth and multiply, giving them some mathematics problems to chew on in their spare time. And he claims to have love it.

Parts of the gun[edit]


The ammunition, also known as sperm, is a tail-powered package that brings on the deadly disease childbirth to women. On its own it is tasteless and not very effective, but when fired at high speed and gummed together with secretions from the amplifier it becomes much tastier more dangerous.


As with a firearm, the magazine contains the ammunition in a sperm gun. Unlike a firearm, with a constant supply of blood it can produce ammunition indefinitely. Most men have two of them, although some have only one while others have three. The magazines are kept safe in a pouch, which I usually rip apart when extracting them to eat.


Known as the ureter by firearms experts, the ammunition flows into here where the firing mechanism forces it into the barrel. As most men have a 2-in-1 system, the breech also has a valve to block the other kind of ammunition that it fires from leaking out. I discard this part when I cook- it doesn't taste too good.

Firing mechanism[edit]

The firing mechanism consists of strong muscles around the breech that force the ammunition out and into the barrel. The firing mechanism utilizes a propellant known as 'ATP', and can squirt the ammunition to a distance of more than one potato.


The experts call this the prostrate gland. As mentioned above, it secretes stuff that gums up the ammunition, increasing its killing power and range. If you don't like the taste of grapes or cherries you could always try this.


The barrel allows the gummed-up ammunition to be shot further and more accurately. It also doubles up as a trigger- forcing it forward will cause it to fire. This is the part of the sperm gun that idiots refer to as the sperm gun. What they don't know is that it is only the tip of the er... iceberg? I make this part into frankfurters- it doesn't need much processing to be turned into one.


Bulb-shaped and found at the tip of the barrel, the muzzle concentrates the ammunition beam, making it more deadly. It can also function as a stress ball. Squeeze it!


The triggerguard keeps the barrel/trigger and the magazine(s) warm. It also lubricates the weapon to ease chafing. The triggerguard only forms when the sperm gun has matured, and is optional- most males can do without it (otherwise there would be a lot of sterile men after I finish shopping for dinner.)

NOTE: The following sections are meant for men only. If you aren't one, go away!

Modes of fire[edit]

The sperm gun has three modes of fire. Use them wisely.

Safe mode: In this mode, the barrel of the sperm gun is soft and floppy, just like a soft sausage... mmmmmmmm! The magazines also produce ammunition relatively slowly. (Of course, even in an ordinary man the magazine's rate of production is still more than ten thousand rounds per minuite, faster than any machine gun. Certain people can get even faster.)

Cocked and ready: In this mode, the barrel will become extremely hard and straight, like a hard sausage- just as tasty but with more exercise for the jaws. The magazines also speed up the production of ammunition. This mode occurs when the owner of the gun senses enemies nearby, especially if the enemy is vulnerable.

Open Fire!!!: In this mode, the owner of the sperm gun suddenly becomes extremely pleasured. His weapon will automatically fire once it finds its target, while the magazines go all out to produce ammunition. If the owner stays too long in this mode without firing, the magazines will swell up, causing the pouch to explode. The resulting mess is actually quite similar to my sister's cooking, only tastier.


The sperm gun can be fired at many different targets, and you ought to know thine enemies.

Randomly firing: For some reason, randomly firing your sperm gun allows you to kill kittens quite effectively. No-one but God knows how it is done. Oddly enough, I do this into my soup- it livens up the taste.

Killing women: Firing into a certain part of a woman will kill them in nine months from the deadly disease childbirth. If they don't die from that, they will die from a heart attack brought on by the discovery that their child has been huffing kittens.

Blow down the barrel: This method could be potentially hazardous for its user. It involves sticking the barrel of your weapon into the lion's (or shrew's) mouth and firing. Make sure your victim is not too hungry or full, or your equipment could be permanently damaged. Do not use against Grues!

See Also[edit]