Puberty
“That magical age where cooties end and real STDs begin.”
Puberty is the process through which a teenager undergoes assholeish behavior usually accompanied by a new outlook on life and a healthy sense of rebellion. Most side-effects of puberty are considered to be positive, and include an increase in body hair, a cracking voice (which adds character), and growth spurts which throw the body out of whack and akimbo (which most adults find cute). Puberty is a very widespread phenomenon and is little understood among scientists. About 99% of adults have successfully undergone puberty, and it has been called nature's plastic surgery.
A Historical Perspective[edit]
Early History[edit]
The earliest records of puberty have been found in cave paintings. These pictures showed them hitting some nasty girl in the head to drag them back to their cave.
Greece was the first civilization to recognize puberty as a natural human process; Before this point, those who experienced puberty were burned at the stake or stoned because they were....well, weird, and therefore deserved to die. Writers such as Plato and Socrates offered many commentaries and insights into puberty, accompanied by personal accounts occasionally. Here is an example:
“Puberty, the most wonderful aspect of human development... my own, bushy forest of facial hair comes to mind, which can be compared to the magnificent forests of Crete, with high willow trees askew with dynamic power.”
Puberty Today[edit]
Today, puberty has taken many forms. It has created a diverse teenage subculture, and groups such as the Emos, sluts and rebels have graced our planet's soil through the wonders of puberty. It's also created 99.9% of all porn websites. It is no wonder that celebrated contemporary writers, such as Maddox, praise puberty, offering such timeless quotes as
“How do you dumbasses manage to breathe?”
“Will it ever come to me?”
“I live for it.”
Puberty can also cause people to bother you at school. Don't let them tease you about those side-effects. Tell somebody or do something about it!
How to reach puberty[edit]
You need to be old, or you just need a tattoo on your ass, or else you'll never hit puberty and stay young forever, just like what happened to this guy. If you don't hit puberty, you'll never have the ability to have a baby (And eat it). Scientists have found an alternative way to hit puberty; it is called "Puberty hitting pills". Otherwise, you only need circumcision.
Effects[edit]
Puberty has a number of healthy effects. As is readily seen, all effects of puberty are positive. Here is a short list of them.
- Growth spurts
- Depression (which adds to the mystique of the individual)
- An increase in body hair
- A tendency to flirt with Moshman117 or Dodz
- An increase in body odor (or odour if you're British)
- A deeper voice, with a higher tendency to crack (which adds character)
- A higher sex drive (some individuals with puberty can ejaculate up to 41 times in 30 seconds)
- A higher tendency to trash up the school (which gives Mexican janitors a job to do)
- You wanting to read Twilight
- Boobs