Depression is nature's way of ridding a species of members that are weak, annoying and entirely worthless. Unfortunately, some wastrels will live their entire lives in hopeless depression without ever enriching humanity through self-annihilation.
Who has depression?
You. No one else in the world ever feels sad like you do. You are the first person to be dumped by a significant other, lose a job, be clumsy with the opposite sex, be born in Sunderland, have mean parents, have a mean boss. You are therefore defective.
Depression is the natural state of truly worthless people. In fact, only truly worthless people feel depression. To gain an understanding, take a moment to reflect on your life's accomplishments. If you feel a sense of satisfaction; congratulations, you are normal. If you do not at least feel some level of contentment you are worthless, and are clearly depressed. What am I doing with my life?, you might ask. Nothing. You are nothing.
The Simple Maths
There is a simple formula that can be used to determine whether You are depressed. It is as follows.
Where LA equals the amount of life accomplishments you have ever achieved, and where f is the amount of times you have Fucked up in the last year. If the number is greater than ten, you are depressed. Don't feel depressed? Then you're probably incapable of feelings, which is sign of depression. Or at least that's what my English teacher told me one time. He was probably wrong though.
The key danger of depression is the intense aroma of not showering for 40 days and nights, since there's really no point in being clean anyway if you're going to kill yourself. You also might just throw your kids out the window to see if you still feel anything anymore. Of coarse the benefits of depression, that of guilt tripping your friends and loved ones into giving you whatever you want, far outweighs the risks.
Living with a suicidally depressed person is sort of like being an amateur hostage negotiator during your off hours:
Hostage Taker: "I want 4 cheese pizzas, a pound of weed, an airplane with PS4 on it, and someplace to live rent free, or else your best friend gets it! And no funny business either, because my ex-girlfriend ripped out my rape joke based sense of humor!"
Hostage Negotiator: " Easy, easy. Listen man, just keep cool, like Fonzie, you know Fonzie? Get the SWAT team in position with night vision goggles, tear gas and rubber bullets, and be ready to cut the electricity; remember I want kid gloves on this! No one has to die today; the drugged pizza will be here in half an hour."
Hostage Negotiator: "And boom goes the dynamite, oh well I tried. Man I really need to work on that thing where I say out loud what I meant to be thinking."
Popular treatments for depression include illegal drug use, money, sex, plastic surgery, and Garfield strips. Doctors will often tell patients not to do any chores around the house, nor to get a job or a significant other as those things have been clinically proven to increase depression; 4 out of 5 physicians also recommend playing video games at least 4 hours a day and maintaining ignorance of the existence of old age, sickness and death.
- Take a long walk. Bonus if there is a short dock in the area.
- Take a bubble bath. The warm water will relax you, and you might slip under - if you stay under long enough, you will be less depressed.
- Color a pretty picture. Release your inner kindergartner and use lots of bright colors - like red for blood, blue for tears, green for boogers...
- Smoking. Because there is nothing more comforting than slow Suicide. Bonus - your clothes will smell and nobody will want to be around you.
- Enjoy a nice day at the spa. Oh wait, you don't have the money for that. Could that be why you're depressed? If so, than rob a spa, prison will cheer you up or give you assisted suicide in the form of the death penalty, you'll still get into Catholic heaven too, unlike if you commit suicide.
- Practice affirmations. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a worthwhile person." Smile. Feel stupid. Repeat.
- Write an article on Uncyclopedia. You'll have a great sense of accomplishment...until it gets deleted.
- Talk to people. Because nothing cheers you up like bringing other people down or bragging about your insignificant achievements.
- Buy twenty pure-bred kittens. When you're bored with them, you'll have 20 free tennisballs. Alternatively, you could wait until they multiply into sixty pure-bred kittens with the accompanying litterbox smell permeating your house until the neighbors complain.
- Have a snack. You're already overweight, what's a few more extra pounds?
- Drugs. Because some hallucinations make you go AAAAAAAAA when you see rainbows everywhere.
- When all the above fails there is only one thing left: Medication. Cymbalta is great. If the depression doesn't get you first then Cymbalta's side effects will.
How to help people with depression
- Constantly remind them how well-adjusted and successful you are. This gives them a high standard to which they can compare themselves, and strive to achieve.
- Ask them, "What do YOU have to be depressed about?" Follow with derisive laughter.
- Force them to make a choice that is impossibly difficult so that they will be distracted from their depression by having to focus on making the decision. Make sure the results of an incorrect choice are sufficiently horrific.
- Tell them that if they would only accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, they wouldn't feel so sad. If they say they have already done so, insist that they don't have enough faith.
- If you're friend is more macabre than religious ask if you're in the will and if you can have their dead body for decorating your new house to look extra goth, or use it for reenacting Frankenstein so you can have a zombie butler.
- Put a bandage on it. If that doesn't work, use Duct tape. Duct tape will fix anything.
- Electroshock therapy is surprisingly easy for the average person to administer. An inexpensive, portable ECT machine can be constructed from a car battery and jumper cables, or alternatively with a cattle prod. Treatment is most effective when the "patient" isn't expecting it.
- Tell them how selfish they are to be depressed and that it makes you want to kill both of you in a murder suicide, or, if you both have guns, point one at your self as well and make it a reverse Mexican standoff.
- Remind them that they have responsibilities and they shouldn't be shirking them by sulking or moping around. Keep them too busy with chores/work for them to think about trivial things like emotions. This works great with emotions like anger, too, and should work just as well with melancholy. Micromanage them if need be to prevent distraction, slaves are too busy to get depressed; like the old saying goes, "work sets you free."
- If they are an adult, treat them like a teenager. If they are a teenager or elderly, treat them like a 5 or 10 year old child. If they are a child, treat them like a toddler. Constantly tell them how they are acting like the age you are treating them.
- JigSaw therapy. Kidnap them and put them in a death trap that requires they find the missing piece of themselves to live: the survival instinct.
- Try and lighten the mood by showing them videos of starving kids in Africa and laugh at all those stupid dying poor people, make sure to add hilarious sound effects though like America's Funniest Home Videos otherwise it will just be sad.
- Give them a bungee cord wrapped up as a death day present and tell them to jump off a bridge. Or better yet, just throw them off the bridge without yourself, I Can't Believe It's Not Torture, throwing people off ledges works well enough for Batman getting what he wants out of people.
- Have sex with them without using a condom, (make sure it's consensual, unlike when you threw them off a bridge).
- Give them money, even though they would probably just use it to buy music from bands like Creed or Radiohead, which will just make them more depressed. Money solves almost every problem, just ask those thousands of kids who will die today of hunger and lack of clean water if they'd prefer a prescription for anti depressants or a shoulder to cry on for money.
- Send them to a mental hospital. This does cost taxpayer dollars, however they're someone else's problem now. Make sure to wash your hands afterwords, as according to the former president of the American Psyciatric Association Dr. Donald Ewen Cameron crazy is contagious, it can be spread just by words or even music and art, the weak must be removed and concentrated into camps, totally not at all like what Nazi's did, because he hated all Germans.
- Tell them to "Man Up", even if they are a girl or a woman. After all, its the proper response to all suffering, right? Drill sergeants make the best therapists. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
- Force-feed them prescription medications, this works particularly well if they are depressed because they were force fed by their family due to reasons too dark to get into.
- Tell them if they lost weight, they wouldn't be depressed. If they don't feel fat, take them clothes shopping and have them try on clothing 2 sizes too small. If they are under 100 pounds, tell them they need to gain muscle and then they wouldn't be so depressed. Make sure to give them your business card as a plastic surgeon or personal trainer.
- Force them to watch My Little Pony, so they will believe that Friendship is Magic. For older generations Care Bears should work.
- Engage them in a habanero or cayenne chile-eating contest, which will put their anguish in sharp perspective. Have them compete with someone more accustomed to spice than they are, such as someone from Ethiopia, the West Indies, or anyone who enjoys ghost chiles.
- Go Catholic on them and tell them graphic horror stories about hell and remind them that taking the easy way out will lead you straight there. Nevermind that they are already there.
- *cough* MDMA *cough* Sorry, been smoking too much weed.
- Invent a Happy Helmet and strap it onto their head, try creating Soma and spray them with it, or infect them with a retro virus to give them the happy people gene, hard science must be the answer, people are just soulless bio mechanical genetic automatons designed to pass on their genes after all, our lives are inherently meaningless. Huh...that sounds kinda depressing come to think about it, where's that rope?
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