I Can't Believe It's Not Torture

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I Can't Believe It's Not Torture is a method of research used most notably by the United States Government under the Bush Administration. Popular locations include Guantánamo Bay, Abu Ghraib and secret dungeons run without the knowledge of America by America's Eastern European and Middle-Eastern allies.

Definition

Though particularly diverse in its methodology, I Can't Believe It's Not Torture is defined by the following factors:

• Not being torture.
• Inflicting intense pain, trauma, discomfort or disorientation, both physical and psychological, while not being torture.
• Physical and psychological pressure and coercion in order to extract confessions and/or information, while not being torture.
• Standard torture carried out by other countries in other countries, and therefore not being torture.
• Being generally used on Arabs, Muslims and similar Sand Niggers who nobody cares about anyway and so not being torture.
• Being entirely sanctioned by pretty much applicable statute there is, INCLUDING the Geneva Convention, the International Declaration of Human Rights, the US Constitution and everything Amnesty International has ever written, while not being torture.
• Happening in so-called 'legal black holes' where US law does not apply and which are so immensely legal that they collapse in on themselves, while not being torture.
• Being used before trial, as these people who live in Afghanistan are clearly guilty anyway or why else would they be in Afghanistan during a war-zone? So a trial is a waste of time, resources, and apple juice. Er... while not being torture.
• Occasionally involving torture by the lowest-ranking soldiers who guard Iraqi prisoners but have absolutely no guidance from above and besides, it's not torture.
• Not happening. Ever. And not being torture.

Differences between I Can't Believe It's Not Torture and Torture

• Torture is very frightening and humiliating and really really hurts. I Can't Believe It's Not Torture is quite frightening and humiliating and really hurts.
• Successful Heavy Metal bands such as Iron Maiden have named themselves after instruments of torture. No band named after an instrument of I Can't Believe It's Not Torture would ever get anywhere and besides, it's probably some Emo shite.
• Torture is prohibited by the Geneva Convention and pretty much everything else. I Can't Believe It's Not Torture is also prohibited completely allowed barely legal and therefore hawt.
• Torture, as practiced on photogenic young women on the internet or in mainstream Hollywood films, is immensely sexually gratifying for the spectator if not the participant. I Can't Believe It's Not Torture is in no way sexy as it is practiced almost exclusively on hairy Arab men, and when there is a female squaddie involved she's usually pretty rough.
• Braveheart would have been pretty shit if it had ended with Mel Gibson being I Can't Believe It's Not Tortured. Torture makes for better films, period.
• America does I Can't Believe It's Not Torture. Bad guys do torture. Except Jack Bauer. He does torture and he's an American, but you can't say shit about Jack Bauer.
• Torture happens. I Can't Believe It's Not Torture doesn't.

Methods of I Can't Believe It's Not Torture

• Waterboarding: this is a bit like surfing, and a bit like drowning, but not at all like torture. It also doesn't happen (see above).
• Stress Positions: these are a bit like being handcuffed, and a lot like sitting down, lying down, standing up or any combination of the three, and neither sitting down, lying down nor standing up are anything like torture. The also don't happen (see above).
• Having Dogs Set on You: Dogs are cute. Everyone loves dogs. Dogs aren't tortured. Dogs don't even exist (see above).
• Being Dressed Up Like Some Kind of Ku Klux Crow Thing With Wires on: This is sort of like dressing up, sort of like being wired to stuff, and sort of like standing on a box, and nothing like torture. It also doesn't happen (see above).
• Sensory Deprivation: This is basically wearing a hat, admittedly a blindfold hat, but still just a hat and hats aren't torture. Nobody wears hats (see above).
• Being Forced to Listen to Heavy Metal Really Loud for Periods of up to 24 Hours: My teenage son does this. It's really not torturing. It also doesn't happen (see above).
• Being Forced to Listen to Barney the Dinosaur songs Really Loud for Periods of up to 24 Hours: My daughter's, what, three and she does this. Ok, so this might be torture, though if it is my daughter's pretty fucked-up for liking it. Anyway, that's all academic as it doesn't actually happen, and I don't even have children (see above).
• Sleep Deprivation: This is a bit like standing up and walking around and a bit like staying up to watch soft porn films on TV, both of which my teenage son does, and is nothing like torture. It also doesn't happen, or at least so he tells me (see above).
• Electrocution: This one is the Arabs' fault anyway for not being able to wire a plug properly. For a start, the live-wire doesn't go in your urethra. This is more incompetence than torture, not that it happens (see above).
• Beatings: Are you kidding? This clearly isn't torture. My son beats it like six times a day. Not that this happens. And not that he does. And not that I caught him, I really did think he was doing whatever lame excuse he gave me (see above).
• Various Culture- and Religion-Specific Methods: You know the ones, having female officers sexually molest you, fellating other men, being fed pork-products, (like the Heavy Metal and Barney stuff these are all things that normal folk would pay good money for) making a naked human pyramid, being raped, you know, fun stuff. Of course none of this happens (see above).

I Can't Believe It's Not Torture and the Geneva Convention

• The Third Geneva Convention says that if they're not uniformed soldiers, and if they're not civilians, or at least don't look like civilians then they're fair game for anything and, as long as you make up a snappy name for them like 'unlawful combatants' then all that PC rubbish about not torturing PoWs doesn't apply. Not that it is torture, or indeed happens (see above).
• The Fourth Geneva Convention says that non-uniformed soldiers have the same rights as normal soldiers, but according to the Dubyan principle of mathematical counting numbers higher than three ain't worth counting to.

I Can't Believe It's Not Torture and the US Constitution

The US Constitution prohibits cruel and unusual punishment. While I Can't Believe It's Not Torture is not in any way cruel, not being torture (see above), it could be said to be unusual, because it happens so rarely, because it doesn't happen (see above). This would create quite a quandary for the I Can't Believe He's Not a Torturer, were it not for two convenient legal loopholes.

Firstly, it's not torture and it doesn't happen (see above), and besides that, it's not punishment either, as you can't have punishment before trial, and these terrorist scum don't get a trial, so therefore will never be punished, so I don't know what anyone's complaining about.

Secondly, it's not torture and it doesn't happen (see above) and it's not even as if Guantánamo Bay is covered by the US Constitution, so by a happy coincidence, you can torture anyone you like there, not that it's torture and not that it happens (see above).

I Can't Believe It's Not Torture and Amnesty International

Ok so Amnesty International talk some shite about I Can't Believe It's Not Torture, but like all human rights organisations they hate America and everything it stands for, besides, if they don't use up all their photocopy cards by the end of the financial year they get less next year. So they have to make all these leaflets about America saying it tortures folk with torture when it doesn't and it isn't.

I Can't Believe It's Not Torture and Human Rights Watch

Pretty much the same thing actually. Bloody commies.

Torture-lite

A Torture-lite was, in the nineteenth century, a member of the Marquis de Sade's backing group, who indulged in soulful three-part female harmonies as a backdrop to his nightly murder of women. It has nothing to do with I Can't Believe It's Not Torture, is not torture and doesn't happen (see above, for fuck's sake).