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Sexy Bacon

Sexy Bacon.jpg
Scientific Information
Root: Ba
Sign: sizzling
Type: pork
Mass: belly
Origin: pig
Significance: delicious
Properties:Bacon fat
Variations: Canadian Bacon
Related To: ham

“Eat me.”

~ Kevin Bacon on Bacon

Bacon is agreeably the sexiest substance ever created. It is a very versatile food, used in sandwiches, breakfast, and especially soda. Bacon, of course, is also the healthiest food known to man. It is delicious and nutritious, as well as good for the body, mind, and soul. It has been proven to significantly increase one's lifespan by twenty years, if not more, with virtually no negative side effects. It has even been shown to cure cancer. In fact, it's the only known steroid that does not decrease penis or testicle size. Instead, it increases both! As a result, doctors often prescribe Bacon pills or sometimes even all-Bacon diets to patients with heart disease, high blood pressure, obesity, and vitamin B (Bacon) deficiency. This makes Bacon the single-most common medicine doctors prescribe. Sometimes, doctors may also inject Bacon grease into patients who have high cholesterol to lubricate their clogged arteries. Even minor-injury patients are hooked up to IVs of liquid Bacon to help speed up their recovery. Bacon is the most important tier of the Food Octagon.

History of Bacon

Sir Francis Bacon. Clearly, he loves Bacon.

First invented by Sir Francis Bacon to combat famine, Bacon lives true to its purpose as the primary weapon in the War on Hunger. In the early 1500s when Sir Francis Bacon, troubled by the lack of fat in people’s diets, decided to solve the problem by creating Bacon himself. He started with a pig and, using a series of chemical processes, he isolated several pounds of the new, awesome element he wanted: Bacon. With an infinite number of protons, neutrons, and electrons, Bacon was the first element in the Awesomnium series to be discovered by man. When Sir Francis Bacon released his research to public eye in 1523, people were amazed and stunned by the power and energy the new element exhibited. Some military commanders that were impressed even began to send their troops out clothed and armed with Bacon. This was, unfortunately, what made the crew of the U.S.S. Indianapolis so appealing to the sharks when the crew’s ship sank in the Pacific Ocean. Despite this grim event that occurred over 400 years later, Sir Francis Bacon quickly became famous for discovering the element, which would be named after him.

Bacon in its natural state: Crispy.

To date, Bacon has fed billions of people around the world, many of whom develop such a fanatical love for the substance they change their last name to Bacon. This has led to the creation of Baconism, or the worship of all things Bacon. It has steadily been a growing phenomenon. Its followers love to savor Bacon its many forms. Baconists or sometimes Baconians, eat a diet consisting entirely of Bacon products; such as Bacon bread, Bacon smoothies (Bacon ground up in a blender), Bacon pie, Bacon in a Bottle, and even Kevin (on some occasions). Because of their vitamin B-rich diet, Baconists often have extremely long life spans and many develop superhuman strength.

Sizzling or Fizzling?

For short time after its inception, the field of Bacon had little progress in its research. Some tried to create new forms of Bacon by injecting poison and other chemicals into it, but this only succeeded in killing the scientists involved. There were also attempts to break down Bacon into other substances, but these, of course, failed. This period of trial and error went on for several hundred years, resulting in the death of many a dumbass, several of whom even won awards for their incredible stupidity. It wouldn't be until the 1700s (sometime between November 3, 1718 and April 30, 1792, to be precise) rolled around that a new breakthrough in Bacon technology would come.

The Bacon Sandwich

You see this? It's not nearly enough Bacon for your sandwich.
Main Article: Sandwich. Or was it John Montagu? Both artices speak finely of sandwiches, so it probably doesn't really matter, anyways.

The year was 1718. The month was November. The day was the 307th (of the year). As the poor peasants living in Sandwich, England awoke, each one found there was a smell in the air, as if the day would be an important one. The smell, of course, turned out to be the sudden, unexpected release of a large underground supply of methane gas, which bears no relevance to the topic at hand. But, despite the unusual methane release, the simple peasants never suspected that this day would become one of the greatest in history (although they did suspect it would be a rather important day). It was that day, November 307, 1718 that the 4th Earl of Sandwich, John Earl Montagu the Great, was born.

John Earl Montagu became the single most important man in the Bacon Revolution (not to be confused with Bacon's Rebellion) when he was the first man to eat Bacon between two slices of bread. This Bacon sandwich, the wonderful invention Montague made the moment he assembled the beautiful creation and masterpiece would become a phenomenon the moment Montagu sank his teeth in, chewed, savored, swallowed, and gave the sandwich two thumbs up.

Share it with the one you love.

Soon after that night when Montagu first ate his masterpiece, everyone was eating Bacon sandwiches, amazed. The level of brilliance required to create such a work of genius was totally unheard of, especially in an era of awful ideas such as Monarchy and Royalty. Thus, John Montagu became forever immortalized by his magnificent creation. Over time, the Bacon sandwich would lead to the creation of, amongst many things: the Bacon Bacon Bacon sandwich, a Bacon sandwich using Bacon instead of bread to house the Bacon interior, as well as the fabled Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905.

How to Make and Eat a Fried Bacon Sandwich

Of course, you cannot continue to read about Bacon, Bacon products, and Hamification for so long without having the urge to devour vast quantities of the very foodstuffs you are reading about. Thus, I shall instruct you on how to make a delicious and extremely healthy fried Bacon sandwich right now.

The perfect Bacon sandwich!!!
  1. Obtain an insanely large amount of Bacon.
  2. Fry the insanely large amount of Bacon.
  3. Obtain an even larger amount Bacon.
  4. Fry the even larger amount of Bacon.
  5. Obtain two slices of bread.
  6. Fry the bread (make sure you fry both slices of bread instead of just frying one slice and forgetting about the other).
  7. Place the fried insanely large amount of Bacon on top of one of the fried bread slices.
  8. Place the fried even larger amount of Bacon on top.
  9. Place a slice fried bread on top (important: don't use the same slice you put all the Bacon on top of).
  10. Consume, taking small bites (so as not to choke), chewing, savoring the tasty flavor of the Bacon sandwich, and swallowing.

Note: It is important you follow all these steps in their exact, listed order so that you can enjoy a wonderful meal of a Bacon sandwich, as opposed to food poisoning.

How to Make and Eat a Fried Fried Bacon Bacon Sandwich

Repeat as above, except double the amount of fried Bacon, and after you are finished assembling the gargantuan sandwich, fry that as well. Really, it's that simple.

Once you have finished consuming your sandwiches, continue on.

Bacon Bits

Another breakthrough would come in the 1800s when a young inventor named Alfred Nobel was upset that Bacon could not be in every single dish and drink. The story goes that Nobel had stuffed Bacon into his milk during breakfast, but almost choked to death on the tasty strips as he drank the milk. He immediately began to wish there was a way he could enjoy Bacon-milk (not to be confused with the milk acquired from Bacon breasts) without choking on strips of Bacon. Once his mind started thinking, he couldn’t stop it. But, without anything to go on, Nobel’s problem could not be solved.

Bacon adds deliciousness with half the calories.

Thus, the problem went on for years, during which he often choked on Bacon when he drank his milk, until finally, he reached a realization. Using his other invention, dynamite, Nobel rigged a package of cooked Bacon to a detonator and blew it up. Quickly, Nobel took the product of the first experiment and sprinkled it into a glass of milk, which he immediately drank. Nobel did not choke. He was astonished. Letting no time go to waste, Alfred Nobel patented his invention of exploded Bacon, calling it "Bacon bits". This creation would make Nobel his fortune of billions, enabling the establishment of the Nobel Prizes in the fields of peace, literature, physics, chemistry, medicine, economics, and Bacon. But, more importantly, the invention would lead to Bacon soda, as well as soda with Bacon.

The Discovery of Hamification

In 1938, scientists experimenting with samples of Bacon stumbled upon very startling results. Two Bacon samples placed in a very cold freezer had been replaced by a substance known as ham. Startled and shocked, the scientists could find no logical explanation for this other than sabotage. Naturally, they blamed the Jews and shot all of the Jewish scientists involved in the experiment. The remaining scientists then repeated their experiment. The Bacon had yet again been replaced by ham. Several of the scientists, angry and paranoid, shot any scientist they even remotely suspected of being Jewish. For a third time the experiment was repeated. But this time, the freezer was surrounded by motion-sensor machine guns to shoot any potential saboteur. Finally confident that no one could have tampered with the results, the scientists returned to observe the Bacon. Here are their conclusions:

The sexiest form of Bacon.
Although typically stable at room temperature and even refrigerator temperature, at temperatures below -13°C Bacon becomes rather unstable and begins to go through a process commonly known as Hamification. Through this process, Bacon begins to turn into the substance called "ham" or even into whole pigs.*
* Pigs were an unknown animal until the scientists accidentally made one from Hamification. Now, Hamification is used to mass-produce the world's supply of pigs, which are cut up into more Bacon.

Historical Influence

In the history of the world, Bacon has had great influence, some of which is unknown to the public. For instance, World War I was not, as many believe, the result of some Serbian asshole named Gavrilo Princip shooting the Archduke of Austria-Hungary, Franz Ferdinand. Well, actually, it was, but the reason why Princip shot the Archduke was... Well, actually, the reason wasn't at all Bacon-related, but that’s not the point. Everyone got involved in the war because... well, the alliance system for one, but also because each country was suffering a great Bacon shortage. Yes. Bacon production had dropped by 50% worldwide in the year 1913. This had already resulted in the deaths of millions, so Europe was in turmoil, fighting for Bacon, as well as the body of Archduke Franz Ferdinand (he was sexy).

Russian Revolution

Benito Mussolini uses his evil Fascist powers to try and destroy Bacon. The plan backfired.

For the Russian Empire, though, the Bacon shortage was much more severe. In the Russian winter, no Bacon shipments could get through from other countries to aid the dying people. The entire population of Bacon shrubs had perished as well. Millions were dying. Finally, in 1917, the Russians got fed up with their incompetent ruler, Tsar (sometimes even Czar or Tzar, but almost Csar) Nicholas II. A mob of angry Russian peasants forced Nicholas II to abdicate his throne and create a provisional government in March. But the Baconsheviks, a radical Marxist group that didn’t trust the government, were preparing a revolution to ensure everyone got Bacon. In October, they launched their plan and marched upon the capital, toppling the government and taking control. A totally awesome dictatorship of the Baconroletariat was established and Bacon was given to all.

Unfortunately, this did not last long. The evil Baconshevik Joseph "I Hate Bacon" Stalin seized control of the dictatorship and effectively ended the free Bacon distribution, handing out anti-Bacon propaganda. He outlawed the sale, use, and possession of anything related to Bacon, including police officers. Anyone who opposed his anti-Bacon policies became an unperson. Soon, this time period where Baconists were persecuted would become known as the Great Purge. It is estimated that during Stalin’s reign, over 50 million people died from anti-Baconism-related causes.

Fascist Italy

Like Stalin, Benito Mussolini was also terrible, despite the fact he has a funny name. As the fascist dictator of Italy, he outlawed everything awesome: stuff like political parties, criticizing the government, suffrage, and Bacon. This soon earned Mussolini the nickname Il Douche, or "the Douchebag" in English. He ran an extremely corrupted anti-Bacon armament until a pro-Bacon communist mob gave him a pair of cement shoes as a belated birthday present.

A classic piece of Baconist (Baconic) literature.

Baconic Literature

Over time, a great amount of short stories, poems, and even entire novels have been written solely for Bacon and its awesomeness. Most of these writers, of course, are Baconists. Some of the most famous literature ever written has been written out of love for Bacon, including such great books as Lord of the Bacon by William Baconing, Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell (a.k.a. Eric Bacon), To Feed a Mockingbird Some Rashers and Such by Harper Bacon, and The Bacon Bacon Bacon Bible Bacon by His Greatness, the Almighty, Our Lord Bacon. Some other well-known influential writers of Baconist literature include Charles Dickens.

Excerpts from two well-known pieces of Baconist literature follows:

“Okay, I need to tell you a story. I was going to the store yesterday and they had Bacon, right? And I was all, 'I waaaant some'. And then this guy hit me, right? I was sad. So I said, 'Why did you do that, I wanted Bacon!!!' and he was all, 'No.' and then I said, 'I'm going to go cut myself!'”

~ from A Chronicle of Emoness from the Deprivation of Bacon Whilst Questing for Said Bacon

“Als Gregor Samsa eines Morgens Bacon aus unruhigen Bacon Träumen erwachte, fand er sich Bacon in seinem Bett zu einem Bacon ungeheueren Ungeziefer verwandelt. Bacon. Er lag Bacon auf seinem Bacon panzerartig harten Rücken Bacon und sah, wenn Bacon er den Kopf (Bacon) ein wenig hob, seinen gewölbten, braunen, Bacon von bogenförmigen Versteifungen Bacon geteilten Bauch, auf Bacon dessen Bacon Höhe Bacon Bacon sich die Bacon Bettdecke, zum gänzlichen Bacon Niedergleiten bereit, Bacon kaum Bacon noch Bacon erhalten konnte. Bacon! Seine Bacon vielen, im Bacon Vergleich zu Bacon Bacon Bacon seinem Bacon sonstigen Bacon Umfang Bacon kläglich dünnen Beine flimmerten Bacon ihm hilflos vor den Bacon Bacon Bacon Bacon ICH LIEBE Bacon!!!!! Augen.”

~ from Die Verwandlung (The Bacon Lung) by Franz Kafka Bacon

Bacon sometimes comes in different flavors and colors.

Did You Know?

See Also