Fluff (spread)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
A girl wrapping her body in Fluff. This would be the "Support Boobies Pink" variety. Which I intend to come back as, in a future life, just in case.

“Oooh! Let's get fluffy!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Fluff

Fluff or Fluffernutter is a delicious spread that can be be used as a flavoring towards your lunchtime sandwiches. Fluffernutter is a misleading term, as it is really a marshmallow spread. The spectacular treat also comes in racist white, High-hop black, brown, and support boobies pink. The origin of such delicious sandwich spread was originated back to The Crusades. Where upon the Templar king Sir Fluffy's chef, Chef Dean, was held responsible for its wonderful creation.

A popular expression that "Fluff-lovers" say in a reaction to a strange and unusual event is, "What the fluff?"


Fluff was first traced back to the Third Crusade, in the year specifically 1190. During a reign of a Templar king named Sir Fluffy, which lasted an unimportant six weeks from April 2nd, 1190 to April 8th, 1190. More specifically, during the Siege of Acre.

When Sir Fluffy led the Knights Templar army onto Genoa with a noticeable lack of food and supplies. With only five days worth of peanut butter sandwiches, it was certain that the Knights Templar would only be not just defeated, but also morally crushed and stripped of honor. It was not long before a Crusader became the Crusaded.

Almost without a drop of blood spilled, Sir Fluffy called the retreat his forces and led them back to his base in Little Chumdrizzleville. While Sir fluffy called for his worn out troops to hit the hay, he stayed up past bedtime for the much of a needed council meeting with his personal chef, Chef Whitemaker Dean. However, the anger within Sir Fluffy was orderly and calmly settled within Sir Fluffy's mind and he was gentle on the young chef Whitemaker. Whitemaker was an important personage towards Sir Fluffy also, because it was also his mother's new husband. (Which back then was not a sin, as it was quite normal for a twenty-year old male to marry sixty-year old women who had children within the ages of forty) Sir Fluffy had respect for his father saying, "I needith more of a food source and supplies for thy warriors! Afterith a great brawl, it is a necessity to receiveith a fanciful meal in whichith taste good and givith them the burning desire to workith for much more of a snack. Pops, wouldith you be able to create thee a snackith in which thee men couldith nibble upon?"

However, little did anyone know that Whitemaker was uneducated about wars and did not know how much food an army required to fight. Whitemaker was told that the number of supplies and food needed to be made for the army was numbered by the equation: x = 230 + 8000 + -122x. However, there was no calculators back then and there was little education (which would become greater in the future and lower by the 21st century) so he was forced to do it with paper and his head. It was then when a grouping of words triggered by astonishment on how much food was needed to fill the army's needs originated the current Fluff quote mentioned in the introduction. Whitemaker saw that the answer was twenty thousand (which is still currently debatable if Whitemaker was unskilled in Mathematics and Algebra because the answer is rounded as 70, as the army only consisted of around 50 support men and would only be fighting for two more days if they had not left. So the 19930 extra "to be cooked" foods would be sent to allies to increase diplomacy and ties.

When Whitemaker asked his son Sir Fluffy to tell him what kind of food he desired, he said a marshmallow sandwich spread. Soon, the spread arrived and Sir Fluffy dubbed it "Fluff". However, they all died and Sir Fluffy was never seen again. The extra fluff was raiding along with all their women and the fluff's copyright was given to the enemy forces.

The fluff inventors descendants[edit]

Sir Fluffy's most recent descendant, an eighty-year old virgin, with the clan on the line, by the name of Juggala Fluffy gave the comment, "I have cancer and am dying, but I must say, my soon to be exterminated clan's most horrible mishap is the missing out of putting the claim for invention of Fluff on ourselves. Every day I have considered suicide because of this. And... and... and.................."

These were also Juggla Fluffy's last words. Whitemaker's descendants (many descendants are all healthy and have children) have been and still in the minority are rich and famous. They live in India and currently run a family business called "White Stuff Sandwich Spreads". It is the India equivalent to the rest of the world's Fluffernutter.

Fluff War of 2006[edit]

Move against Fluffernutter[edit]

The most recent and second quarrel with Fluffernutter as an issue around it was not long ago. In fact, it was in the year 2006. It was in Boston, Massachusetts, when upon an innocent but violent-for-some-Fluff eight-year old boy, Nathaniel Barrios, asked for some Fluffernutter from one of his daddies. (Which means his parents were two gay males)[1] which was his new favorite sandwich spread after devouring his friend's Fluff sandwich against his friend knowing at school. Nathaniel even admits making younger kids "Give up their fluff money".

However, the Barrios were not too fond of this gentle offer. The two homosexual lovers ran a germ freak, healthy, fat-free home. A family tradition which traveled teh Barrios for generations was that when someone ate something unhealthy, it called for ten steaming lashes. State Senator Jarrett Barrio exclaimed, "Why the fuck are you eating Fluff?!", and his son Nathan replied in eager correction; "No, dad. It's why the fluff am I eating Fluff, not why the eff am I eating Fluff."

However, this would not be tolerated. It was a desperate need for some legal restrains on how much Fluff would be given to students throughout Massachusetts's school systems. Jarrett reasoned, "It's like weed only white and consumed through sandwiches", which stunned local authorities.

Rise of the ProFluff[edit]

However, this new restriction would not be easily accepted to the "Fluff-lovers" in Massachusetts. When a state representative and "Fluff-lover" Anne Reinstein retaliated (one of only two Fluff supporters) retaliated against this movement with bills attempting to make the Fluffernutter Sandwich the state's sandwich. She also added a bribe-like promise by sending letters stating "I'll go back to the kitchen", in which we could assume is to make sandwiches. Maybe even Fluff sandwiches. She also tried giving other examples like how the state holds a "state doughnut" and various minor things which didn't do much at first towards this restriction of Fluff. Ironically enough, Reinstein was considered "mildly obese" by her friends, family, kids, and husband. In fact, her favorite thing in the world is food. (And it should be)

A vandalized wall, part of the protests by the ProFluffers. It reads, "Give me fluff or give me death!"

In another action that followed Anne's retaliation was done by an army of angry fluff-lovers within the message boards on Boston Globe, where upon many fluff-lovers attempts to protect their beloved with tear jerking stories and memories of when they were young during puberty, craving Fluff and sex. One angry fluff-lover stated that he remembered when he was in school and saw some girl eating what appeared to be Styrofoam. And then when he asked the girl why she was eating Styrofoam in her sandwich and she told him it was Fluff. Then he gave her a grave facial expression, drew his head back and mumbled, "what... the... fluff". He states this was the first sign of becoming a fluff-lover and when he took his first taste of the so called non-Styrofoam sandwich spread, becoming coocoo for Fluffa'nuts and a passion for white stuff in his sandwiches. I bet he masturbates with fluff He explained that it would be a terrible move to put limits of Fluffernutter throughout Massachusetts. This inspired even more people to speak out against these Anti-Fluff movements. It was clear that a group of what would soon to be the ProFluff strikers would form to protest these acts of Fluff limiting.

One protester had vandalized the streets by spray painting the building walls and structures with the quotes "I'll fluff you up! Don't fluff around! Fluff you! All who oppose Fluff have no soul! Go fluff yourself motherfluffers!" and "Saugus' sewer system is overflowing with products of the civilians, Everett's school system is corrupt with power and bullying, and THIS DAMN SON OF A SITUATION is what he chooses to speak out about! I know he is a homosexual, but he just isn't right in the brain!"

Rise of the AntiFluff[edit]

While the strength of newly formed ProFluff protesters/rioters/strikers skyrocketed, it called for an opposition. Suddenly at the rise of the ProFluff, a new Fluff movement group would form and join the ranks of the ProFluffs. They were the people who agreed with the enforcement of restricting and limiting the Fluff sandwich spread. In fact, it was just as effective as the ProFluffs.

One AntiFluff stated "My wife pays more attention to it than me."

Speaking is the President... of the Fluff factory[edit]

At the Fluff factory in Lynn, north of Boston, called "Fluffer 'Me Timbers", the president of the monopoly long living company ignored Barrios' charge that his product lacked nutritional value. The only statement given from the president was a one worded comparison; "McDonald's".

"It's not marketed as a health food, but it is marketed as your mom's favorite!" Don Durkee burned.

Fluff has about the same calories as you would find in your jam or your jelly. Is it possible that these homos [Berrios] are prejudice against Fluff? They have no room to talk, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, the Fluff spread has no fat or cholesterol. A little bit of sodium, but it is like a newborn baby. It is immeasurable. Now peanut butter, that has a taste of something we don't include in our sandwich spread. Protein.

H. Allen Durkee, Don's father, and friend Fred L. Mower paid $500 for the Fluff recipe and rights to the product from the family that ended up retrieving the Fluff ownership throughout the years since the Third Crusade. This was back in 1920 and they began marketing the concoction door-to-door, but with charity donation receivers to persuade people to buy them, because it is almost inevitable for one to donate to charity while not buying some Fluff. The history section on the company website tells when the entrepreneurs had to cut back production during World War II, when sugar rations and participation was low. Meanwhile, during that time, laziness was a high character trait.

After the war, Fluff returned to its former glory. Returning fluff-lovers who went to fight in the war immediately bought ridiculous amounts of the sandwich spread, and even bathed in it.[2] The two business partners and staffers, called Flufferettes, redesigned the packaging to make it there own, more appealing, and to introduce the familiar jar that sits on grocery shelves today.

Don Durkee took over after his father tragically croaked. The privately held company has a bakers dozen employees and makes more pounds of Fluff than the President of the United States makes money during his career. Durkee would not open up to discuss his Fluffernutter finances, and denied that there were any hidden dark secrets.

"I had no clue schools in Massachusetts, or anywhere actually, served our products as another sandwich spread towards the students as with peanut butter. What I thought, was that peanut butter was because many of attending students, including my own grandson have allergies to nuts of all kinds", says Don Durkee.

A jar of the Fluff spread.

Durkee said that at one time, he wrapped his spread with a "FlufferForMyLuncher" label, showing how whole-wheat Fluffernutter sandwiches could be served alongside an apple, some carrot slices and a glass of milk. He also remembers dipping his something something into a little something something.

"We gave it a nutritional value as well as a life extending value. The life extending value actually is still currently in testing, so the results are not yet in." said Durkee. At 81, the almighty Flufferreta god said he still dipped his many things into a tight jar of the marshmallow cream from time to time and time again. He says he still dips in when ever he is sad. He says he dips frequently. In fact, the chances are he is probably dipping right now.

The sandwich is such a worshipped spread institution that one day every October, people celebrate National Fluff'my'nutter Day, Durkee claimed. Until the Barrios' started attacking our delicious product, Durkee cried, the worst publicity and look the company had ever experienced was the worldwide laughing stock about when First Lady Barb Bushes wrote in a memoir that she had chugged a whole gallon of Fluff in one sitting. Mrs. Bush claims she had weird colored digestions afterwards and didn't feel too good.

Mamie Eisenhower, another notable first lady recommended using "numerous pounds of sweet delish marshmallow cream" in her chocolate fudge brownie extreme ice cream cake recipe.

Haber, who studied Mamie Eisenhower's case declared Barrios accusations on Fluff had most certainly evened out with a sin in the Catholic religion.

"Everybody hates know-it-alls, Grammar Nazis, and the food police. When you mess with something food-related that connects with one's emotions and childhood. You have FLUFFED, UP, NOOOOOWWW!!!, adds Haber.

"With the horrors of the world, and war, and insanity... why are we going onto a crisis about Fluff? I mean, the Legislature has done some awesome things. Universal healthcare was passed, fire-safe cigarettes were passed. But now we take down the Fluffernutter product? Are we all retarded? Should we just give up on life as we know it?" says Reinstein.

Barrios was no doubt under guilt and humiliation and fled town on a "business trip" that aide Colin Durrant defended and said was long-planned. Durrant weakly stated that Barrios drafted his amendment to not harm Fluff, but rather stop schools from giving kinds unhealthy junk that can give them diabetes. Which is common throughout the entire American school systems.

In the July of 2006, the Legislature decided how they view the Fluff product. They dropped the case declaring it was "nonsense".

Barrios' aide says, "Barrios is lean and a Health Nazi, he is an aggressive salsa dancer and has won rewards for the state's best-dressed homosexual legislator. Wanna know something I know that you don't know? He has Fluff in his kitchen. He eats it when nobody is looking during night."


The ingredients to fluff is simple.


  1. http://articles.latimes.com/2006/jun/26/nation/na-fluff26 BOSTON — The Fluff war of 2006 began innocently enough, when 8-year-old Nathaniel Barrios asked one of his daddies to make him a Fluffernutter, his new favorite sandwich from school.
  2. Photographers from the roaring twenties can recall taking pictures in the shadows of war veterans scrubbing in the tub with fluff in replacement of water.

See also[edit]