“I once had a chicken spur embedded in my tonsils.”
Some chickens behave more sensibly than others, and at the bottom of this ordering is the jerk chicken. Scientists have studied whether jerk chickens are born this way, or have simply chosen to flaunt their abilities and wealth at the expense of others. Studies have shown that the most selfish populations of chickens are native to Miami, as well as the Cayman Islands. Rehabilitation programs have shown mixed rates of success, with some chickens begrudgingly attending community service programs, while others behave jerkishly until death, right up to the point of refusing to get in the deep fryer. Contrary to popular belief, jerk chickens do not come from Jamaica, but are seen all around the globe. Chickens, whether jerks or not, generally make poor neighbors and often ignore property lines, HOA demands, and personal boundaries.
Early stages of life
Most chickens are supplied to the farmer through the Postal service, from large hatcheries where they are "feather sexed" upon birth. Studies have shown that chickens who do not undergo this treatment are less likely to become jerks later in life. Some social media influencers have taken to using the term "Misunderstood chickens" instead, with the effect of whitewashing the term. Chickens can be ordered "Straight run" (which have been tested and proven able to run in a straight line via a field sobriety test), or "natural born", where they have been ridiculed individually by bloggers over whether or not they have a birth certificate. Chickens can be made irritable at the hatchery, via the application of "jerk paste" (the kind of paste used to put up indie rock band handbills on college campuses). Chicks treated this way have shown to be significantly more likely to misbehave as they age.
Examples of jerk behavior in birds
- Childish pranks at others expense (e.g. short-sheeting a bed).
- Uproarious laughter in other's faces.
- Interrupting movies by talking on a cell phone.
- Towel-popping others in the locker room.
- Running for President on a third-party ticket.
- Selling used vehicles with blown head gaskets.
- Tearing up other's flower beds.
- Operating computerized phone dialing services.
- Dancing ostentatiously at funerals.
- Defecating at inopportune times
Jerk chickens are anatomically similar to other types of birds, all of which posess a "pope's nose" on their hind end, so named because of a paid sponsorship between the Roman Catholic Church and chicken producers dating back to the mid 1600's.
Jerk chickens are capable birds and are able to run, jump, flee from dogs, and of course defecate on their owner's car windshield. Some jerk chickens may be seen in public wearing a diaper, though the overwhelming likelihood is that they will be wearing betabrand tracksuits, and hanging out at the boardwalk with their chums. In fact, most diaper-wearing chickens are not jerks at all, and merely have owners with emotional issues.
Male chicken gonads are located in their rib cage all of the way at their back, so user-produced chicken youtube videos featuring chickens hitting each other between the legs are often misinterpreted. Videos featuring actual strikes to the gonads more closely resemble typical rooster fights, where they fly up in the air and whack each other with the backs of their shins, which, on developed and older male birds, have long, slightly curved and pointed bony shafts protruding to the rear of the bird and are used strictly for engaging others in combat. Owners who wish To pretend, in public, to be friends with their often ornery companions can employ the use of a dremel tool, or other cutting device, to render them blunt. The gonads themselves are often quite shocking in size, and roosters that have had them removed, generally from an early age, are referred to as "capons", through the process known as "caponizing".
Preparing jerk chicken
According to a 2005 article in Cooks' Illustrated magazine, many chefs choose to cook jerk chickens using the method known as "chicken under a Brick". Bricks can impart psychoactive compounds to the chicken during cooking, however, so jerk chickens can be prepared using a variety of alternate vices, such as "chicken under a carton of cigarettes", "chicken under a tattoo machine", and, of course, "chicken under a kitten". If a brick is employed for the purpose of smashing the daylights out of the chicken carcasse, care should be taken to wrap the brick itself in aluminum foil before using it in the dish, as this will lock in its natural juices and flavor, and prevent it from drying out. Rather than prepare stuffing as a side dish and serve it separately with the chicken, many cooks simply choose to feed the bird nothing but rice and pilaf shortly before it meets its demise, and neglect to clean it properly. This method is employed at the white house as it holds its annual labor day dinner. Once the brick has finished cooking, it can be removed from the oven and sawed on using "miracle blade II" cutlery, sold via infomercials in the United States. While this sawing will not slice the brick into sections, the blade can then be used to slice a tomato, and can be thereafter, for the lifetime of the blade, sent back to the factory for free resharpening. The brick can be enjoyed by itself, or as a side dish, while the chicken can be used to prepare other dishes, such as "Chicken all of the way in a toilet".