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“Infomercials, like CDs, are often played over and over again. Infomercials, unlike CDs, are not shiny.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Comparisons of Infomercials and CDs.

“Creating infomecials is an art. Only those with "mutant X gene", such as myself, can truly fabricate a television message in under thirty minutes and still sell a shit product.”

~ Colin Mochrie on Infomercials

Have you ever wondered how you can buy products that you don't need and watch television at the same time? Well, you're in luck! Now, for a limited time, you can tune in to your very own infomercial!!!

Now, here's our celebrity host to tell you how amazing the infomercial is!!!

What is an informercial?[edit]

  • An infomercial is a thirty minute crap-spewing performance which allows you to buy a product which may be clever but has little to no usefulness in everyday life!
  • Infomercials are shown when television stations don't feel like programming anything useful and they allow their viewers to rot their brains out!
  • Infomercials are commonly aired during the late night and early morning hours, when you should be watching porn or having sexual intercourse or sleeping.

But why would I watch an infomercial?[edit]

  • Because you have nothing else to do! You won't even realize how much time has passed while you contemplate buying a useless product.
  • You can save amazing amounts of money by buying crap not available at the stores!
  • Because you need something in your life to make you feel clever!
  • Because you, yes you, have never seen a gem that shines, a gem that sparkles, a gem that reflects the beauty that is you once it is on your finger like this natural looking Super, Grade-A, Man-made, One-of-a-kind Diamondeeeck that I have here on my tray right now, and let me tell you you ladies that the possibility that this can be yours, if you hurry and call our operators right now, for the unbelievable amount of only thirty-six payments of $4.98 (plus shipping and handling) but you can not dial fast enough because this item has you spellbound in your homes at this very minute.
  • Because your'e a dick! LOL

Here's what other viewers like you got from infomercials[edit]

  • Last week, I got my paycheck. Now it's all gone after buying an exercise machine and a portable easycooker. Thank you infomercial!
  • I could have exercised or had fun today, but I sat on the couch and watched infomercials all day. Thank you infomercial!
  • I heard that the operator was standing by, just waiting for my call! How could I resist? He was probably getting lonely. Now I have a huge phone bill! Thank you infomercial!
  • With my money, I bought a Crystal Ball. Once I saw my future, I left my husband, and gave all my money to the Supreme Leader! Now, we get to drink the Kool-Aid. Thank you, Infomercial!
  • I bought an expensive- yet half-price- diamond necklace for the woman I was stalking! Now, I'm in jail, and I'm a registered Sex Offender! Thank You, Infomercial!

Here's just a few of the amazing products you could get by watching an infomercial![edit]

  • QuikOff Stain Remover - Works great on those embarrassing semen stains!
  • SmartBody Exerciser - If it doesn't kill you, it will give you great abs!!
  • PortaMop - Take it to school, home, the movies! You never know when you need to mop something! All without calling your cousin!
  • Elite Slicerknives - Cuts right through human bones!
  • Bags of precious gems - Look at these! 36 karat pounds of rare gems - for only $99.99; WE MUST BE CRAZY! Duwayne is this price correct? Are we going out of business and no one told me? We aren't? I didn't think so - we must have gotten a huge buy on these semi-precious stones. At these prices Ladies I say buy, not one, not two, not even three bags BUT four or five: one for you and one each for those precious grand babies of yours.

I'm sure this is very expensive![edit]

NO! It can be yours for only five easy payments of $19.99!!! (Just pay $478.00 shipping and handling.) "Wow!!"

But wait, there's more![edit]

If you call in the next five minutes, we will throw in:

  • A second infomercial product
  • An upgrade to the useless product you will accidentally throw away
  • A coupon for SlimFast
  • An old Lillian Verner catalogue
  • A half-eaten ham sandwich
  • A date with Helga
  • Five peppermints, two dimes, and three condoms
  • A membership in the jelly of the month club
  • A huge pile of fresh crap!

Call now! You will never find a bargain like this again!!!

A Typical Infomercial Script[edit]

In studio shot: Cut to anchor girl Kristy

... "Thank-you Peter.... (throw hair back, sincere look to camera) we all know just how busy modern life can be, so many things competing for our time, sometimes it's difficult to find a moment during the day to keep up with the wonderful offers available on daytime TV. For many of us this is a huge worry, however those clever people at Landfill Products* have the solution for absolute peace of mind.. Peter..

That's right Kristy the Add Filter*. This sleek black box is the perfect companion to your TV. The Add Filter* watches your TV for you freeing up your day so you can spend time doing things that make you feel great. You have the peace of mind that if the Add Filter* sees an add that we think you will like, it will alert you by sending a txt to your mobile phone! It can even record the add so you can share it with your family later. How amazing is that?Kristy..

That's right Peter, but wait, there is more.. If you call within the next ten minutes, we will send you another add filter completely free if charge. Yes you heard me right. Another for free. You could give this to a friend. Or better still, set it to watch the add the first machine filtered.. Further freeing your day. Simply incredible It's never been a better time to call than right now. Only 29 easy repayments of just $39. And remember call now an receive another ad filter absolutely free.. Remember this could be the last time you have to call, imagine how pleased your partner will be.

See also[edit]