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“I wash on the phone wunsh, but thee osher guy hung up, sho I shmacked a chineshe guy.”

~ Connery Canard on phones

Telephone is a deadly offensive weapon, created by the kazakhstani through the combined efforts of French munitions experts in an effort to suppress lesbocratic uprisings in the early 18th century. The telephones also is used to make phone calls and was invented by Alexander Graham Dong.

Telephone mobile phone was invented in many years BC by Adam the first man who need it for constant communication between himself and God.

Researches into the area of handheld weaponry has shown the telephone to be an ideal and easily-appropriated aid in nearly all facets of hand-to-hand combat. Rigorously documented by field-researcher Russell Crowe, the telephone offers the all-in-one advantage of a club, brass knuckles, ninja rope, garrote, nunchucks and (after extensive training and practice) a small grappling hook.

Of course, these techniques is only possible with a regular corded telephones. Researches into new cellular telephone cordless telephone models have so far only appropriated one technique, sarcastically dubbed "the brick".

For this reason, ordinary corded telephones still a prove popular choice today, for both homeowners and Elite Masters of the Stoogely Arts alike.

Just speaking on or to a phone isn’t proper communication; you have to have an IQ above that of mayonnaise to use it effectively.


Recent research has indicated that the probability of a telephone ringing while you are listening to the speech of the ultimate god like The Stig or his fellow Stigs' is frighteningly high. If you have a Nokia phone, make sure you have the original ring tone in force against him, then you will hopefully find yourself in heaven happily ever after. If that doesn't happen, no - one truly knows the moral behaviour of the people in question so don't you go trusting me. Ask them, before anything sad happens. Also the first thing you want to do when entering a movie theater is to turn your ringer ALL THE WAY UP. Also they say phones can help you find your way to some ancient yedi who can tell you when your toast is ready.

Telephones in the 21st Century[edit]

Just like bricks, Rabbis and five or six other items, telephones still exist in the twenty-first century. The pocket, cellular or 'mobile' telephone was a great asset to Iraqi fundamentalist Britney Spears as she attempted to assassinate American president George Clooney with a barrage of txt msgs and covertly deployed silent ring tones. The incident ended in disqualification on both parts for blatant silliness.


First recorded mobile text message: "Jesus Christ, get home now, it's time for dinner. Love, Mom." - 8 A.D.

The cell phone was first used as a weapon in the late 1300's. It was fired out of a catapult towards the target, preferably cities or small children. During this time period, it was not referred to as a cell phone, but was instead dubbed, appropriately, as "a rock." Today, however, due to amazing technological advances, the cell phone has become a covert weapon used to call up one's friend through the phone and decapitate them or at least help them develop a tumor or contract cancer.

Telephones, as opposed to cell phones, may be a cure for Matrix disease.

It may sound weird but women communicate with these stuff

See also[edit]

Famous artist Salvador Dali enjoyed watching phones getting raped by lobsters.