Woody Harrelson

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Woody Harrelson pictured at the construction of the Berlin Wall.

“Yeah, Woody and I go way back. I remember one time he let me try his hemp toothpaste and... oh wait, I can't tell that story!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Woody Harrelson

Woody Harrelson, born Daniel Schwartz (changed to sound less "exotic"), is well known to most of the world for his acting roles. He has recently dropped out of the spot light to pursue his two other passions: hemp advocacy and time travel.

Woody Harrelson: the actor[edit]

Harrelson in his breakthrough role as Woody Boyd.

Harrelson is most famous for his work as an actor. In 1982, Harrelson (a relative unknown at the time) was cast in the role of Woody Boyd on the TV show Cheers, a role that would thrust Woody into the spotlight. A little known fact about Harrelson's role in cheers: the character portrayed by Harrelson was originally supposed to be that of Robert Boyd, a classy Manhattan sophisticate who was attempting to demonstrate that he could get by on his own without his father's millions. David Hyde-Pierce was originally cast in this role, but was mysteriously hit by a falling piece of stone (later identified as a piece of the Berlin Wall) days before filming began. Harrelson was the only actor who had tried out for the part that was available on such short notice and was thus selected as the replacement. Harrelson's limited acting abilities necessitated a complete redesign of the characther. Woody only had sufficient range to play the role of a mid-western bumpkin, so the Manhattan sophisticate was changed into the idiot from Indiana. Moreover, Harrelson would never react when he was referred to as Robert while filming. As a result the character found his final place as the Woody Boyd many fans still love and relate to.

Harrelson has also had success in the movie industry. He has portrayed a wide array of balding villainous, distasteful characters including: serial killers, bowling hustlers, Vietnam vets and Larry Flynts.

Woody Harrelson: the hemp advocate[edit]

Showing his love for hemp and fruity colored hats.

In recent years, Woody has taken it upon himself to extole the virtues of hemp. Besides the obvious uses, hemp can be used to create a fabric second in quality, durability and comfort only to silk, satin, velvet, microfiber, flannel, cotton, nylon, denim, polyester, canvas, felt, burlap and sand paper (among others).

Woody Harrelson: the time traveller[edit]

Woody Harrelson demonstrates an ancient hemp-based toupé given to him personally by an Aztec chief in 1478.

Although little known to his fan base, Woody is perhaps most often remembered by historians for his pioneering role in the field of time tourism. Many photos of Harrelson's time travelling exploits exist, but relatively little is known of them. Many suggest that one should be wary of taking Harrelson on as a fellow time tourist, as it seems that one constant companion follows him wherever he goes: death. Harrelson simply claims that "Death's a really cool guy if you get to know him. He's also been very supportive of my pro-Hemp agenda. That crazy guy can't get enough of Natural Born Killers".

In 1999 Harrelson decided to sit down for an interview with noted historian Dr. C. Emily I. Redelmeier for an interview to detail a few tales of time tourism. One of the most memorable stories Woody shared during this interview was the part he played in the construction of the Berlin Wall. "My daddy taught me how to build a wall proper," remarked Harrelson, "so I wanted to teach them commies to build a wall that would last."

Ironically, it was in fact Woody's shoddy concrete work that led to the fatal crack in the Berlin Wall that caused the downfall of communism. In late October 1989, a large crack appeared in the section of wall on which Harrelson had worked. This crack quickly became an eyesore to all passers-by. A man named Hans Fischer decided he must do something about this unsightly crack, gathered up his tools and some beer and set about tearing down the wall to build a better one. As is known to happen among human males, many other men were attracted by the noise and brought their tools and alcohol. By November 9 1989, the men had successfuly demolished the wall and were quite involved in drunken revelry. This lead to another noted characteristic of human males: they half finished the job, became distracted by other projects and left it in a state of ruins. To this date many male Berliners still have rebuild Berlin Wall on their to do lists.

Woody Harrelson: the Disney California Adventure Council member[edit]

In 2010, Harrelson was named the first acting representative of the upcoming Cars Land state and was appointed to the California Adventure Council. Over his tenure in Disney California Adventure politics, Harrelson has mostly tried tearing down concrete walls and throwing them at suspected Nazi, Goofy, Jr. As a result of this tension, Harrelson usually bypasses California Adventure council meetings, preferring instead to key Goofy, Jr.'s car and plant bombs in Jr.'s house. By far his most successful attempt at assassinating Goofy, Jr., found Jr. trapped in a concrete wall. Fortunately for Goofy, Jr., Woody's ever-so-shoddy concrete work led to a crack in the wall's butt, allowing Goofy, Jr. to escape out of a small hole near the bottom.

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