What's-his-name off that thing

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They did that song....

What's-his-name off that thing appeared in that movie with that guy who is rumoured to be a you-know-what-do-you-call-it... sung that song that sounded familiar and probably went to that place where Ian lost his phone and then found it again…you know the one with the thing from that other thing and that woman with too much make-up, who got all emotional at that wedding/funeral...not that one, but something or another that is similar or unrelated.

Early Life[edit]

School or something[edit]

He went to that school where they... you know...with the education..it's...Oh come on you must know...for the life of me...the kids smell a bit...not of anything bad...but it..you know...hangs in the air - you can taste it in your throat..and it's not like it was in my day, your day... a day. You must know it...where that unsavoury slightly wonderful thing...event happened. It was in that newspaper that tells it like it is/isn't...we don’t get because it’s got too many...you know...things where they try to take advantage of your aspiration. 5% aspiration and 95% hard work. Anyway it was the Headmaster and a horse apparently, but I’m not sure we’ve heard the whole story. The horse has kept remarkably quiet - they're supposed to be noisy aren't they? Or is that dogs? They both had to sign the sex-offenders register...not the horse. Horses don't do they? They seem to be able to get away with anything. Also they can't...the can, the just...Anyway he didn't go to that school...too far away.

University or somewhere[edit]

The one in the north, next to that place where they do that thing with cutlery to make bedding. Posh Spice did that 'unspeakable' with the lamp post...was it a yew tree? You know the place: With the church and that nice little café where we stopped off for a coffee once and it was a little too weak for my taste so I punched the waitress...and you said that made you love me more. Anyway, he didn’t go there because he didn’t get good enough results in that one exam. That exam where there’s numbers...or maybe letters, at the very least some kind of marks on paper. Come on...Where you had to answer questions anyway...Or was it ask questions? Ask questions in that language of that country that isn’t England. Anyway, it burned to the ground before he even got there...because of the darkness.

Movie Roles[edit]

She was in Roxette? No, she was Roxette.

He was in that film where they went to that place. The one with the mountain and the monkey that could talk…not talk, but sign-language, and it wasn’t a monkey of course...come on...a monkey?!? It was a big rabbit or maybe a person with no arms and pointy rabbit ears, who’d been to Vietnam, no Belguim, and had come back with horrific injuries. Or was he married…married to that girl, you know that gender without the penis, the one where they can't park and just cook all the time or something...I'm pretty sure that's right. The one from that play who was drowned when she fell in to that…no she went to country where they say "g'day" to become a doctor. SHE WAS A DOG!

Anyway in the end he realised it had all been a dream...you know when you're...that thing in bed, eyes closed... That’s what he used the rock-hammer for, to dig the tunnel to the sewage and at the end there was the Statue of Liberty and he realised he was on that planet...with the people that are us - with the countries and the sea and television and all a stupid dreams rapped up in a pastie so some fat Irish minor can eat us for his lunch.

And he was on that other show…You know the one where he played a cop…and the other actor guy was the baddie…you know, the actor with a moustache…except when he shaved it off…and they had that car chase…and then he caught the bad guy and said that classic line…you know, that line, everyone knows who it is…'Frankly my dear, you can't handle the truth.'

Music Career[edit]

Then? Now? Here?

He was in that band. That band! THAT BAND! You know with the four of them. The one with the hair, the one without the hair, the one with an average amount of hair and the other one. They sang that song that went “nahhhh nahhhh nahhh….ooooh baby….nahhhh nahhh nahhhh I love you baby yeah baby love is love.”, and there were drums and guitars. It was called something like ‘Bohemium’ or ‘Baby Baby’ and it had lyrics that were sung by the singer and he was the singer or the guitar player, or possibly one of the other two. I know exactly who he is, I can see him now in my head.

'La la la di da di da di la di doo di da di da dee dum de doo dee lilly pop whoosy wot'


The television or the radio, I read it, I read it...right before the big election where you vote, have your say...I'm not registered. It was a pretty big campaign to end suffering of one sort or another - maybe both. He cares, he really does, but he's a bastard - a politician, a word-smith, a criminal, he was dying...dead...he wasn't real, never existed, I've never heard of him, it was a publicity stunt, they've all let me down. I think that what it was, in fact I'm almost sure now.

The End[edit]

It was summer: the season with sun and the nights that burn the campest pink into the sky. The bright stupid day is the successor, and the process repeats itself again and again and again and again... until it stops abruptly for the silliest of reasons.