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“The single most important science that ever exploded a test tube on our green earth is molecular biology... Oh, I mean Alchemy, heh heh.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Alchemy

Nobody understands this but it's apparently important.

Alchemy is the "science" of turning men (and, possibly, a few women) named "Al" into... GOOOOLD! In most instances, this involves arbitrarily mixing chemicals and hoping for the best.


Alchemy was discovered by Anonymous, the greatest author of our time, when he found that, upon dipping people into molten gold, four things happened:

  1. They died
  2. They were covered in molten gold
  3. They were quite shiny after a quick buffer
  4. They were a big hit at the local market

Anonymous thought that that was really cool. So he suffocated all of his friends in molten gold. He soon found something very interesting:

From: Why all my Friends are Dead by Anonymous: " is, with much excitement, that I found that, not only were my friends more attractive and less annoying, but they were also more valuable."

Unfortunately, Anonymous died of a cracker overdose next Tuesday ago.

So the Alchemy torch fell to Anonymous' son, Unknown. Unknown wrote a lot of books, but they were all about why Linux is better then Windows, and had nothing to do with alchemy. Sadly, the sum of Unknown's work on alchemy is stated, in total, here:

"Duuuuuuuude. Alchemy. Where did I put my bacon?"

Unknown HAD NO SON, unless you count the son who later became his daughter, which Unknown didn't. John, writing as Jane, made the most progress on alchemy ever.

Jane starved to death upon completion of his seminal work, her only worldly possessions being a full fridge and a copy of People Magazine", and a coupon for $2.00 off of a pizza. Makes you think, "why did he not get a damn pizza?".

The Rebirth of Alchemy...[edit]

It's rebirth can be anytime, if anyone can try doing alchemy successfully. If Ra can't do it, no-one can. Well, apart from the obvious.

Alchemical Substances[edit]

  • Aqua Regia: This "royal water" is the only alchemical substance known to dissolve the "royal metal" - gold. For this reason, it was the most feared substance known to alchemists.
  • Lyme Regis: The salt resulting from the action of Aqua Regia on limestone.
  • Antimony: Debt.
  • Fulminating gold: Gold that explodes. A common gag gift among alchemists.
  • Cinnabar: A delicious baked treat.
  • Brimstone: Also known as sulfur. Smells like bad eggs. The preferred snack of the Goth.
  • Mercurius Praecipitatus: Everyone knows what this is. I won't bother explaining it.
  • Quicklime: Nobody knows what this is, because it's too quick to observe. Scientists have developed a hypothesis that it might be some kind of lime.
  • Objectium: An uncommon red metal, occasionally found in the air vents of Los Angeles courtrooms. Experts hypothesize that it gives attorneys the ability to find contradictions in the statements of witnesses, as well as the ability to have really, really spiky hair. Its variants include Igiarium, Mattaium, and Kuraeium.
  • Gold: A mostly worthless malleable metal with a hideous yellow color. However, it's quite tasty in bars.
  • Green: OMG Obscure Brit-com reference lol!
  • Dragon's blood: The red sap of the Dracaena draco tree, sold to gullible alchemists who never grew out of believing in dragons. Ha ha!
  • Butter of tin: Kind of like a tin of butter, but the other way around. Goes great on Cinnabar.
  • Orpiment: A yellow pigment containing arsenic. Commonly used for delicious yellow finger paint in kindergarten. Named after a town in Kent.
  • Pure Gold: Looks like regular gold, but will annoy you by bragging about how they don't want to have sex, would never even think about so much as looking at a drug, and their tendency to vote straight-ticket Republican.
  • Miso Hornie: Rare soup, straight from Japan.
  • Ars Regia: Royal pain in the ars. See: Aleister Crowley.
  • Cheese: Cheese is a kind of meat, a tasty yellow beef
  • Marsh Vapor: This stuff doesn't really come from marshes. Trust me, you're better off not asking where it really comes from.
  • Copper Glance: A suspicious ore that knows you must have done something. Your best bet is to act as casual as possible in its presence, and slowly yet naturally get out of there without bringing too much attention to yourself.
  • Manganese: A substance commonly used by Japanese alchemists. Characterized with overly large eyes and diminished noses. Nerds get really annoyed when you refer to it as a 'comic book' and it is a tremendous amount of fun to do this.
  • Realgar: Red ore of arsenic. Named for the fact that it actually exists.
  • Fakegar: Invisible pink ore of arsenic. Named for the fact that alchemists kept losing it, and so, out of frustration, decided to declare it nonexistent.
  • Bassium: Bassium is a pink metal that is named after a Annoying class mate. it is said to be radioactive but no one has ever Confirmed this theory.

Alchemical Formulae[edit]

Alchemy uses several formula. This is placeholder text.

1 gallon of blood + 1 pinch story + (2 explosions/minute) = Michael Bay

(8 unlikely heroes + 1 effeminate villain + tedious dialogue + deus ex machina)/50 hours = Final Fantasy

my mate kyle, simmered at room temperature for 30 years + a university course = Stephen Fry

3 cups of water + a living bulldog = a wet dog

1 Bullet + 1 Gun + 2 people you don't like = A dilemma

Planetary Metals[edit]

Several metals used in Alchemy were associated with planets because those planets are made entirely of their respective metals.

  • Mercury symbol.png Quicksilver (Neal Stephenson, ISBN 0380977427)
  • Venus symbol.png Copper (David Bowie)
  • Sun symbol.pngSun symbol.png Gold (the Sun, page 3)
  • Mars symbol.png Iron (Mars)
  • Jupiter symbol.png Tin (Jupiter)
  • Saturn symbol.png Lead (Saturn)
  • Pluto symbol.png Plutonium (Pluto)
  • Tatooine symbol.png Sand (Tatooine)
  • Krypton symbol.png Kryptonite (Krypton)