Gay agenda

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The gay agenda. Note the gayness.

The gay agenda was written on February 2, 1983 by anonymous. This historical document, with its stirring prose, is excerpted below:

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Non-gnarly Gay Agenda.
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The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Homosexual Agenda.
  1. Gather receipts to complete tax returns.
  2. Pick up laundry from the dry cleaners.
  3. Call Mom.
  4. Get oil checked.
  5. Water lawn.
  6. Pick up milk, eggs, and a pint of vanilla ice cream at the store.
  7. Take cat to the vet.
  8. Pay electric bill.
  9. Get stamps at the post office.
  10. Cheat on spouse.
  11. Vandalize mall property.
  12. Get run over by neighbor's car.
  13. (illegible)
  14. Profit!
  15. Spend all of the money on cough/cold medicine.
  16. Thinking about "seeing" Toby Keith

The Radical Gay Agenda[edit]

On March 1, 1987, the 120th anniversary of the admittance of Nebraska into the Union, a committee led by Larry Kramer produced the radical gay agenda. This radical reformulation of the gay agenda included:

  1. Gather gay receipts to complete gay tax returns.
  2. Pick up gay laundry from the gay dry cleaners.
  3. Call Moms.
  4. Get gay oil checked.
  5. Water lesbian lawn.
  6. Pick up homo milk, gay eggs, and a pint of gay vanilla ice cream at the gay store.
  7. Take gay cat to the gay vet to get spayed.
  8. Pay gay electric bill.
  9. Get gay stamps at the gay post office.
  10. Cheat on registered partner.
  11. Revamp the gay mall with the bisexual clothing.
  12. Get run over by gay neighbor's pimped-out car.
  13. (illegible) up my end.
  14. Gay Profit!
  15. Spend all of the gay money on gay cough/cold medicine.
  16. Thinking about having sexual relations with Toby Keith

The Fabulous Gay Agenda[edit]

The Fabulous Gay Agenda (also known as the "Vast Gay Conspiracy") was produced by the CONGPPWGT (Committee of Non-Gay People Preoccupied with Gay Things) on April 19, 1996 to commemorate the 1st anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombings. This agenda included:

  1. Make everyone's wardrobe more Fab-U-lous!.
  2. Bring back Disco.
  3. Re-re-decorate your living room.
  4. Figure out how to quit you.
  5. Adopt Christian Babies and sell their blood to Jews.
  6. Watch the Oscars/Tonys.
  7. Teach Heterosexuals how to be in really good shape.
  8. Listen to My Chemical Romance.
  9. Make the Yule Tide gay.
  10. Become managers and enforce fairness and reasonability in the workplace. This would force Heterosexuals, used to dehumanizing work environments and engaging in acts of bullying, to quit in frustration.
  11. Be excessively friendly, to the point of creepiness.
  12. Allow men to marry animals.
  13. (illegible)
  14. Profit!
  15. Donate all of the money to AIDS.
  16. Trying To Send Toby Keith To Homosexual Sex School

According to the world's foremost source of information, Conservapedia, gays secretly control many parts of the US government and have used their influence to, among other things

  1. Promote C++
  2. Increase our dependence on foreign oil, or bacon. I forget which.
  3. Gradually decrease the quality of Uncyclopedia to the point where lame-arse gags like this can be included.

Followers of the Fabulous Gay Agenda came to worship comedian Paul Lynde, who was the "centre squirrel" on the "popular" television show "Hollywood Squares". They came to worship Hollywood, believing it to be controlled by the Fantastic Gay Agenda. (Homosexuals had previously achieved high positions in the entertainment industry, but not agents. Rather, they were freelance contractors of another gay sub-agenda.)

Gnarly Gay Agenda[edit]

The Gnarly Gay Agenda is a secret plan to turn impressionable youngsters into flaming queens through high school sports.

Subtle tools like pastel-coloured protective gear and T-Shirts with slogans like "Brunch? That'd be lovely, Steve" and "Dungarees and Brogues: Not just for Workmen, anymore!" are used to convince Young America that playing jolly bottom games with the other members of the football team is both fun and wholesome, such as the hand to ass slap.

Thankfully, President Bush has signed a bill into law that will outlaw football, protective gear, t-shirts, wombats, teenagers, self-determination before the age of 21 and Ian McKellen.

Under the provisions of the law, young people affected by the machinations of the GGA will be roughly manhandled into waiting vans, stripped naked, probed anally by burly jackbooted FBI agents and pressed into barracks tightly packed with other offenders.

The Bear Agenda[edit]

The bear agenda is the agenda of hirsute, manly bearded and usually chubby gay men (also known as bears). The culture within the bear community is usually Manly, Bacon eating, Beer drinking and is the polar opposite of the Fabulous gay agenda. An official bear agenda was formulated in 2002 one year after 9/11.

  1. Pay bar tab.
  2. Repair the fucking chainsaw.
  3. Call Boyfriend.
  4. Get oil checked.
  5. Mow the lawn.
  6. Pick up Beer and bacon from the store.
  7. Trim beard.
  8. Punch Fred Phelps in the face.
  9. BEER!
  10. Get motorcycle to the Garage.
  11. Get to the bar.
  12. Stop neighbour's car with my own BEAR HANDS.
  13. (illegible)
  15. Pick up David from the Quarry.
  17. Bed

The Bear-Bear Agenda[edit]

A surprising amount of bears (of the gay variety) also happen to be Bears (of the Yogi and Boo Boo Variety). A modified agenda was written for them.

  13. (rerarerra)
  14. RAWR!

agents of the gay agenda[edit]

Many seemingly normal figurines in history have been secret proponents of the gay agenda most notably Judy Garland who encouraged followers to "make the yuletide gay and follow the brick road and is evoked to this day in selected theatres.


See also[edit]

See also also[edit]