HowTo:Come Out of the Closet
“In my day we called it A One Way Ticket To Prison; why does the fun start after I'm dead?”
Ever wondered if your sexuality is holding you back from being in really good shape, extremely well dressed and enjoying such diverse experiences as art shows or feeling at ease in the steam room with other muscular naked men or hot busty women? How about being able to tell the difference between chartreuse and lime green? Are you afraid to act on these urges because you have repressed those yearnings for your best friend since sixth grade?
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Never fear, man. With this handy guide to how to come out of the closet, you'll be able to break the news to yourself and those around you that you are a homosexual and ready to enter stage two (Pupate Homosexual) of becoming a full member of the gay agenda community.
Step One: Deciding that you are a homosexual
In order to come out as a gay man, you will need to ask yourself: Honestly Celeste, are you really a homosexual? This is important because if you are a bisexual or a bi-curious man or even a lesbian trapped in a man's body, this HowTo is not for you. (If you are on the cusp of becoming a Woman, see: HowTo:Become Dyke-a-Delic.)
Ask yourself the following:
How does it feel to kiss a woman?
- If your answer is “eh, OK,” or “Ewww” there is strong possibility that you are a gay man.
How does it feel to kiss a man?
- If your answer is “Really good,” or “Why just stop at the lips?”, then there is a good chance that you are on the correct road to coming out.
What looks better to you:
- Your wife?
- Your wife’s 19 year old brother, the Olympic diver?
Step Two: Come out to yourself
As a gay man on the verge of coming out, it's best that you know the material well enough to come out to yourself before proceeding to others. Instead of attempting to go into a gay bar on your own for the first time and drawing attention to yourself, try practicing at home alone.
It is important that you have a good visualization that you can hone into and concentrate upon before gaining a grasp of the subject at hand. Imagine in your mind all of the possibilities and variations available to you without judgment of others. Now message these ideas into your psyche – feels good, doesn’t it? Tell yourself that eventually the stares, the jokes and the gift items with rainbows on them will subside into good feelings and positive affirmations that your mother will undo the minute she hears the word “Faygela”.
Step Three: The Fat Girl
After you’ve decided that you need more than fantasies in your life, you need to find yourself a Fat Girl. No man can swish through the doorway of being a well adjusted Pupate Homosexual unless he has a friend who is a Fat Girl. The fatter the better.
Because the Fat Girl will love you no matter how bad it gets, and the Fat Girl will always be there to make sure you have a designated driver, or split the cost of a hotel room on your first circuit party romp (the Fat Girl does not go to the circuit party, she stays at the pool, or watched pay-for-play movies while consuming massive quantities of room service.
If you are going to try to get your wings, you need a Fat Girl on the ground in case you crash – more cushion for the pooshing.
Step Four: Your Parents
Select the parent type that fits your situation:
If you have WASP parents, choose the time that you are coming out to coincide with a family dinner or other such event. While passing the plate of Watercress sandwiches, casually mention that you have been studying the Classics and have been “fascinated by Zeus, Ganymede and the Spartans.” When you parents ask you what you have found in this journey of self discovery, get your camera ready and tell them that being in the comfort of good friends, building secure friendships with your fellow man and that paisley bed sheets really do the best job at hiding the wet spot after you’ve been topped by your father’s boss's son, and then immediately start taking pictures that you can share with your therapy group.
For this one, you’ll need your camera (see above). At dinner, when they are passing the fried chicken tell them (start lisping) that you’re planning on moving to New York to become a dancer. Start taking the pictures immediately; you’ll need them when you share the whole event with your therapy group.
If your parents are Jews, you stand a better chance at not only coming out, but also having the pleasure of ripping your mother’s heart out, all at the same time. Sit your parents down and while passing the chopped liver, tell your parents that you appreciate their efforts in trying to fix you up with a nice Jewish girl, but you would rather start being fixed up with a nice Jewish boy with whom you start fixing up condos that you buy at below market rates and selling for a profit. Your parents greatest fear isn’t that you are gay, it is that you would sleep with a black man, a non-Jew or a some woman who thinks nothing of paying retail.
If your parents are Asian, you better fucking run, preferably while passing the bowl of rice during dinner.
Coming Out to your wife
OK, this is something that really needs its own HowTo. But in a nutshell, you’ll need a really good divorce attorney, a job transfer to a non-communal property state and Kevlar. It is also good to rent an apartment. To come out to your wife you have two options, you can either try:
- “It's not you, it's me” argument the next time she says “You never touch me anymore” - or -
- You can try the “you’ve driven me to this Bianca” argument. - or-
- "Well, let's just say that I have given up fish and am now pretty much a tubesteak kinda guy..."
Either way, make sure that you have emptied the bank accounts and hidden the stock portfolio. Do not invite her to watch you have sex with a man; this is a no win situation. Do not tell her that you hope to be friends with her one day. Just say what you have to say and get the fuck out of there.
Remember, coming out is just the beginning of the rest of your life. For additional instructions, see Howto: Be Gay Gay Gay!.