The Gay Credenza

The furniture in question.

It starts...

"Honey, I'm home. What the... Jesus Christ! Get in here NOW!"

"I'm coming... What? What is it?!"

"What... what is this?"

"Oh, that's just the new credenza I ordered, remember? This house needed some diversity, so--"

"Oh, no. Hell, no."

"What's wrong?"

"This credenza, it's so... gay. It's a gay credenza."

"What are you talking about?"

"Honey, you have allowed the gay credenza to take root in our home!"

"I don't understand."

"Honey, don't you see?! I saw this treachery on a commercial last week. They're flooding the market with this vile gay credenza. They call it "an expanded product line"; I call it an affront to good taste and common sense!"

"Dear, you're talking nonsense. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just a little different is all."

"Honey, you don't understand."

"No, I definitely don't."

A threat to the family

"The gay credenza will undermine our family!"

"Really? How so?"

"Honey, this marriage is between a man and a woman. We need to make decorating decisions together. It's nature's way."

"And that's exactly what I did. You've filled this house with your ugly, macho crap. I just added a feminine, sensitive touch. Besides, how is this undermining our family?"

"Well... think of the children!"

"What?"

"Think of how they will be teased when their classmates discover the gayness of their parents' decorating decisions. They'll be scarred for life."

"That's preposterous."

"And you have to consider the future too. If we raise our children in a home dominated by the homosexual credenza, they may, heaven forbid, grow up to buy gay furniture themselves."

"Dear, studies have shown that decorating preferences are inborn, not chosen."

"Those findings are in dispute!"

"Why blind yourself to the truth! Open your mind a little!"

Slippery slope

"No! I will not have my house be infested with this garbage! We're on a slippery slope to ruin! If we allow the gay credenza to take refuge here, then what's next? Children's furniture? A huge dinette set? Animal-print fabric?!"

"That is not true. Our neighbors have brought this credenza into their homes, and they're doing just fine."

"Oh, really? Have you seen the Sweedon's house recently? After accepting the gay credenza, their marriage lost its importance. There is no stability, no balance! Pink wallpaper, incense... anything goes there!"

"I went to see Mr. and Mrs. Sweedon last week, and their home is fabulous."

"Fabulous? Or gay?"

"Enough of this."

"No, dear, it will never be enough. The gay credenza is already damaging this home. Look at how it's wearing into the carpet. It is deteriorating the floral fabric that is at the base of this home!"

"Well, maybe we can get rid of that carpet."

"I can't believe what you're saying. You think we should just abandon our florals to accommodate the gay credenza?"

"You heard what I said. Florals are outdated anyway."

"How can you say that? How can you defend this piece of crap?! Just look at how repulsive it is! It's a cheap eyesore. If we keep the gay credenza in our home, everyone will think you're a hag. And honey, I hate to say this, but God hates hags."

Get used to it

"That is the last straw! We are keeping this credenza. It's here, it's clear. Get used to it."

"But--"

"I said get used to it. Or else."

"Or else what?"

"Or else I'll tell the neighbors what you said in your sleep last month."

"You can't do that! It'll ruin my image! Besides, I was hung over! I wasn't--"

"Enough. Either you accept the credenza, or your secret comes out."

"Well... can we at least keep it in the closet?"

"No, it will not stay in the closet. It is coming out here, for everyone to see. Now that this spat is over, I'm going to go to the Ahmed's house to pick up the kids. They've been over there a bit too long. Don't get into any trouble while I'm gone."

Alone at last...

"It's about time. Now, where did I stash that copy of Playgirl; I need to have some me-time..."