Sexual intercourse

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“By far the most prudent method of advancing this country!”

~ Robert Mueller on Intercourse

“That was the worst performance I've ever seen.”

~ Simon Cowell to a Nevadan hooker about sexual intercourse

“When thou art in, continue firm and constant.”

~ Socrates on sex

Sexual Intercourse (from the Greek, χλαμύδα meaning "cloak") is a common illness in humans caused by the bacterium Chlamydia trachomatis first reported in 1998. It is generally accepted and confirmed by numerous studies that the most common cause of Sexual Intercourse is poor hygiene. Sexual Intercourse is not known to be fatal, but can incur permanent scarring and blistering, itchy patches of skin. It is estimated that between 6,000 and 8,000 cases of Sexual Intercourse are contracted each night in Europe alone, although the majority of these cases will usually be mild, unnoticeable and short-lived. In 2006 a campaign was started to increase awareness of Sexual Intercourse by wearing a pink ribbon tied in a loop with a pink matchstick penetrating the loop. The matchstick was later removed from the ribbons as it was seen by many to be in poor taste (as the production of pink matchsticks from the urethra is a common symptom of Sexual Intercourse), but remains in the campaigns illustrations and logo.

Sexologist Nigel Rees wrote in his Dictionary of Catchphrases (1995) that "Close your eyes and think of England" is traditional advice given to women when confronted with the inevitability of sexual intercourse. It is also jocular encouragement to either sex about doing anything unpalatable. It produces mostly bafflement when applied to most Americans.

Sexual intercourse in religion[edit]

God has been mainly instructive in explaining how it is to happen. He has scrapped plans for asexual beings or made them insects in order that sexual intercourse is properly celebrated. The Bible has a step by step manual and even a copyright notice stating that no more material can be quoted from there without allowing the writer here to demonstrate an actual act with a female of his choosing.

The Kama Sutra is an Indian version of the Bible with an altered copyright notice:

"No text, graphics, depiction created here can be duplicated by any party be it in digital, electronic, braille, memory or sculpture without the prior written consent of the Creator. Otherwise you may be condemned to be stuck in a decided position and not be allowed further room for interaction. Every subsequent version must not use previous technique shown without direct consent"

Since God was not contactable in most cases, the Kama Sutra ended up with a different position for each night it was put to practice.

All in the family[edit]

Proof that you are on the way. Sad though is that millions are massacred daily

Sex within the family or incest is now returning to fashion. The parents have reduced sexual contact between themselves and mostly keep to once a year. This is to make room for the daughter and son or cousin ecetera to take up the available slots with the parents and this has greatly removed marital problems. In some cases, it removes completely the marriage. In cases of divorce where there is absence of a parent, the siblings may create moresomes among themselves.

In some Scandinavian countries, family homes have special bunkers or basements that are subsidised by the government if you are to fill in a simple application form with:

  • Purpose of renovating basement - Confining daughter inside without hope of escape.
  • Duration - Until daughter delivers babies and they grow up to be law-abiding citizens.

Each child may receive a reward if they are able to pass an IQ test and win the treasure hunt to find a way out of the basement. First prize includes $10,000 per speaking fee and a world tour.

A dramatised film was produced in 3030 based on confined women entitled 'Fritzl the Cat'.

With animals[edit]

This trend is dying out due to the recent SPCA preference that crocodiles and stingrays be protected from bestiality in domestic settings. Now many individuals are getting sick due to bites and scratches when having intercourse with the remaining house pets such as dogs and cats. There are reported shortages of AIDS treatment for four legged animals. However insurance companies are considering giving coverage to animals if the owners are to register them as sex-workers and send them for regular cat-scans. And your penis is growing too too long!!!!!!!!!!!!