Cornflakes
“I sat on one”
“You have to put the milk, and just let it rest for a while, and then you eat it.”
Cornflakes, otherwise known as The Great and Almighty Breakfast Cereal of Holy Powers Beyond our Mortal and Completely Naive Understanding, is debated to be either an almighty force, or an overwhelming monstrosity. It is believed that wart-like growths occur on overly mature corn plants which tend to flake off after time, thus creating "cornflakes". These disease-ridden chunks of dead corn tumors are then cleaned and packaged into brightly colored boxes, and among other things, fitted with a very small microchip which is capable of controlling the minds of children, and some species of birds. The reason for this is to lure small French children in a false sense of security.
Upon doing this the children beg their parents, and Sagat, for the cereal. After said cereal has infiltrated the child's house, apartment, etc, it then begins the dormant period, during which it sits in the pantry gathering dust and analyzing the family's behavioral patterns. After enough information has been gathered and transferred to unknown parties, the cereal then becomes active.
The Active Phase[edit]
Once the cornflakes have become active, they are for the most part unstoppable.
They begin by inconspicuously moving themselves from the pantry to the counter top when the family is asleep. Once there they wait for an unsuspecting parental unit to enter the kitchen. Once the cornflakes have spotted their prey, they launch a single "flake" at the new host and begin the infection process, thus why Seb has a dirty infection on the end of his penis, often called the bell end (also a word used to describe Seb himself).
The Infection Process[edit]
Once airborne the "flake" then aims it sharpest edge towards the abdominal region of the unsuspecting host. Most "flakes" don't survive the impact and fail to complete their mission, but if the flight ends successfully the "flake" is then embedded in the host's skin for a short period of time, which is just enough to inject the microchip that each flake is fitted with.
Once injected into the host, the infection process begins in the host's blood stream by attacking the red blood cells. The microchip first takes control of a single red blood cell, much like a virus attacks cells. After the cell has been infected it begins to travel towards the host's brain.
Upon reaching the brain, the cell is destroyed by the microchip. The microchip then attaches itself to the brain and begins sending electrical pulses to the brain, thus achieving total control of the host.
The infected host may exhibit strange behaviors such as bathing in cornflakes and milk. The introduction of milk into the cornflakes excites the flakes, which causes them to inject more microchips into the host, until the host has exactly 24,001 of the chips inside it. Once this amount of saturation has been achieved, the chips then synchronize and begin the attack phase.
The Attack Phase[edit]
The attack phase is perhaps the most destructive process of the cornflakes. It starts the morning after initial infection and continues until the host's brain and stomach eventually explode.
During the morning hours of the final day, the infected host offers it's child/children/two-headed mutant cornflakes for breakfast, and having forgotten that they even had the cereal, the children eagerly accept the death sentence offer given to them. Upon accepting the offer, the child sits and eagerly awaits for the host to bestow upon them the cereal.
As the host pours the cereal, the flakes band together and form a large mass of milk-soaked death. The mass then strikes the child on the head, thus rendering the child unconscious. During this time, the microchips inside the host's head burst out and make their way towards the child, and begin a different infection process.
The 2nd Infection[edit]
The infected French children then proceed to plant any flakes laying around in their backyard, yielding more corn. Fortunately Unfortunately the child is violently killed in the process, much the same way as the parental unit.
A by-product of the child aids in the development of the new corn plants, making them grow 98x faster than a normal corn plant. After these corn plants mature, the process beings all over again, with new French children and their dumb ass parents.
Supression of Cornflakes in Canada[edit]
Like Corn Cornflakes are a state secret in Canada, possession of Cornflakes is punishable by internment in a Forced Labor Camp by the offender and anyone they have come in contact with since learning about Cornflakes.
Cornflakes in Alexander City[edit]
Cornflakes are very popular among the cadets in the BRHS NJROTC, as it is the fuel of their Military Spirit and minds. Cadet SN Jacob Moon had this to say:
"Give me a blank page, I'm fine. Show me bloody fields of war, no problem. but give me a day without cornflakes and I will be on the verge of suicide."
The Military Scientists, in response to the NJROTC's cornflake love, researched and concluded about cornflakes;
"We have concluded that Cornflakes have a mineral called Nistosterone that only soldiers in the Army and Marine Corps can consume without aslposing."
The Meaning of Life?[edit]
It has been debated by unspeakable, superpowerful, and overwhelming forces along with a a particular midevil group whether Cornflakes might actually be the Meaning of Life. Such things are unknown, but it is possible, as the world is starting to change. Perhaps Cornflakes could be the answer to all life's problems, it is even rumored to cure cancer.
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