Sean Connery

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“Took the wife out lash't night. One punch!”

~ Sean Connery

For thoshe without comedic tashtesh, the shelf-proclaimed exshpertsh at Fwikipeedia have an article about Sean Connery.

Classhic Connery: Notesh and Anecdotesh on Hish Beginningsh, hish Middilsh, and What He'sh Up To Today[edit]

A painting of Holy Connery, Mashter of Shex Appeal and Women Mishtreating

Sean Connery (25 August 1930 – 31 October 2020) of Shcotland. the waszh besht voiche of all time, which took roughschly 777 (sheven hundred and sheventy sheven) yearsh of reshearch to perfect. Sean wash sho passionate about Shcotland that he lived in Shpain for 20 yearsh. Trained from an early age by Ordovician Monksh, Sean waszh an eckshpert in hand-to-hand nun beating, a hobby that hash shtayed with him to thish very day. Gambling being hish hobby, thish prime shpeshimen of Shcottish manhood likesh to schpend mosht of hish time in cashinosh inveshtigating bad guysh in the shervische of her majeshty.

An averash Tueshday for Sean Connery

He ish the only actor in hishtory with the ability to shucshesshfully portray a character of any nationality ushing egshactly the shame accshent every time. What a legend. For thish reashon, he hash come to be known ash "The Mad Turk". He wash tired of being king of Kafirishtan, and shoon fell off a bridge while shinging a shong about the wonderfulnessh of being king, Jaymsh Bond and Michael Caine witnesshed thish.

Sean Connery in one of hish lesh popular Bond filmsh

Shex Appeal[edit]

All women who ushe crutchesh aren't dishabled, they have infact jusht been shagged by Sean.

After hish unconvinshing attemptsh to pershuade people of the world with hish "shcottish" acshent, he appeared on countlesh epishodesh of Shelebrity Jeopardy. He alsho appeared with Turd Fergushon, and Tom Crooshe. Connery'sh conshtant bantering againsht Trebek and hish "Categoriesh", hash made him ambashador to the United Nayshonsh of Counter-Alien Warfare; there he plansh, day-by-day the conshtant, mershilessh attacksh from aliensh shuch ash Michael Jackshon and that one guy in that one movie. "Ruff! Jusht the way your mother likesh it, eh Trebek?"

Among Connery'sh other contributionsh to the world wash hish major work in Jap Anush Relationsh, and knowledge of Catherine Deneuve'sh tittiesh.

Sean Connery, the earth'sh guardian![edit]

"Thish ish not going to end wellsh."

No matter what shtories you might hear, it ish widely believed that Sean Connery'sh eternal feud with Aleksh Trebek ish really due to a rather unforgettable inshident from the year 1963 A.D., when Trebek attempted to shower the planet Earth with hish shadistic, unholy, shuperhuman abilitiesh. Connery wash the only man capable of putting a shtop to Trebek and hish Shatanic powersh.

After about 10 yearsh of physhical training in an alternate dimenshion called 'MI6', he wash finally able to match Trebek'sh shtrength and engage him in mortal combat for reign over thish planet. Very reshently, Connery wash sheen having the besht meal of hish life with Daniel Craig in Dijon. As reported in many casesh, Sean Connery hash come to the reshcue, or at leasht tried to do sho on many occasions. In one cashe, when a group of homo terrorishtsh put a bomb in a bassh drum on airplane, Connery shtopped shniffing women'sh sheats in Colombia to get to the airplane over the Gulf of Mexico, only to find that he didn't have enough time to shnip the wire. In hish own words: " Even the damn bomb shquad ishn't that effishient". Needlessh to shay, he wash the only shurvivor.

Famoush Sean Connery Quotesh[edit]

From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Trebek: Of Shimon & Garfunkel, the one who isn't Garfunkel? Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled ya mother lasht night, HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR!!!!

From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Connery: I'll take Catsch the Shemen for 300 dollarsh. Trebek: It's "Catch These Men", not "Catch the Semen". Connery: Ist that what the moushtash is for, Trebek? HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR!!!!

From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Connery: BUCK FUTTA!

From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Damn you and your Daily Doublesh ya brigand!"

From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Jusht you remember Trebek, shuck it long, and shuck it hard.

"Alwaysh follow your Sh with and H "

Relashunship to Barbara Waltersh[edit]

It wash theorizhed by shcientisht Bill Nye, that Sean Connery and shimilar-shpeaking Barbara Waltersh both emerged out of the shame cocoon. Thish wash denied by Waltersh, who noted that "Connery jushst hash an annoying fhuchking lishpt."

  • (Please note, that Sean Connery doesh NOT have a lishp. He, in fact, ish the only pershon in the world that shpeaksh correctly)
Sean Connery with hish rival Aleksh Trebek

The Famish Sean Connery Hairpesche[edit]

Over the yearsh, Sean Connery's famish hairpesche hash attracted musch attention. The hairpesche is almost as musch a legend as the man himshelf. Throughout the yearshs, the Connery hairpesche has gone through varioush incarnashons, each more obvioush then the next. Until receschently, the fabled hairpesche wasch wash shkillfully hidden, caushing many wonder what happened to thisch peische of movie hischtory.

Connery finally came forward in 2008 and schaid that the original hairpesche from James Bond ish located in a Scottish caschtle. Within the deep reshessesh of this caschtle is a large room, at the shenter of this room ish a large glassh case with 4 foot thick glassh, which protects the hairpesche. The room ish monitored by security cameras twenty-four/sheven and on both schides of the cashe are at leasht 2 Dark Lord'sh of the Shith, both of whish are Connery'sh apprentishes, ready to kill anyone who triesh to shteal the hairpesche. Treashure Huntersh beware, Connery has shtated on sheventeen occashionsh that he has authorished them in the ushe of Forshe Lightening, a mosht terrifying technique he learned in his yearsh as a shpy.

Connery'sh Mosht Peculiar Relashunship with Jaymsh Bond[edit]

It ish a well known fact that Sean Connery hash a mosht Peculiar Relashunship with hish oft-portrayed character, Jaymsh Bond, ash demonshtrated by theesh quotesh from Connery himshelf:

“I care about Bond and what happensh to him. You cannot be connected with a character for thish long and not have an interesht. All the Bond filmsh had their good pointsh.”

~ Connery on hish Peculiar Relashunship with Jaymsh Bond

“I have alwaysh hated that damn Jaymsh Bond. I'd like to kill him.”

~ Connery on hish Peculiar Relashunship with Jaymsh Bond


  • Sean Connery appeared on the Radio shtation Elevator FM where to help the hosht remember hish name created thish mnemonic:
Sean Connery
Everybody lovesh Sean Connery
Alan look over there it'sh Sean Connery
Nobody can reshisht Sean Connery


Sean didn't die is Schotland or Shspain. He was found dead under a mango tree in the Caribbean.