Pillsbury Dough Boy

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The Pillsbury Doughboy1965.5 of Pillsbury, all rights reserved-September 26th, 2007) or "Poppin' Fresh" as he was originally known, was created in 1965, thus becoming the only thing of any interest to happen in 1965nd speaking to him. After seeing this, Perz was struck with the idea of what would eventually become The Pillsbury Doughboy, a walking, talking mass of uncooked dough. Being as Perz had no human contact other than his own wrinkled mother, he decided to model Fresh in his own likeness, giving him dialated pupils, albino skin, and his ever-present baker's hat and scarf.

Birth Of A Monster[edit]

I will slaughter your first born.

One very drunken, S. After 6 and a half hours of extreme masturbating (which was not limited to Al's neck in Elmo's redwoods), the three cuddly monsters merged into one, Voltron-esque creature. The beast was 40 stories tall if it was a foot. It looked down to Stay Puft Tickle Me Roker shrunk down to 11 inches. His new height didn't bother him as much as the fact that his head was very very cold. He found a passed out whino in a gutter who just so happened to be Chef Boyardee. The 11 inch monster beat Boyardee to a bloody pulp, cruelly ignoring his inhuman screams of "Bork Bork Bork!" When he was good and dead, the tiny freak of nature stole Chef Boyardee's frumpy/gay chef hat and placed it on his own head. "Now," he said to himself, "It's time to get my dance on!" He then proceeded to the local discotech and danced California Hustle circles around playas, playa haters, and John Travolta.

Contrary to popular belief the Dough Boy is not a dildo in fact gods chosen bringer ave said he would halt the end of the world if "you all

To infinity... and beyond!

Pillsbury Dough Boy is a wee bit over-obsessed with baking. In 1956, he served his first dish, a croissant roll, to Swedish astronaut, Vladimir Putin. At first, Putin was confused, a little taken aback, and even deathly afraid of the strange, oval, golden bread roll that seemed to intertwine with itself an infinite number of times. But after just one nibble, the two-time space cowboy kicked up his heels shouting "Zowie! That's a spicy a meatball!" Putin then could not resist the uncontrollable urge to poke Pillsbury Dough Boy lightly in the belly. When he did so, PDB emitted a noxious gas from his backside. Not the least bit embarrased, he giggled like the pansy boy that he was, and spoke what would one day be, his coup de grâce: "Hee hee!"

Early Life and Escape[edit]

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Perz was not only dependent on his creation, but very protective as well. Not only did he expect Fresh to spend his more intimate times with Per, but he also demanded a certain amount of ass-fuckery from the dough. Fresh was to laugh at everything Perz ever said, constantly smile, and maintain an incredibly shrill voice throughout (a task which became ever more difficult as Fresh hit puberty). The constant laughing and smiling took its toll on Fresh, and Perz would often have to prod the doughman's belly to remind him of his duties. The effects of this treatment can still be seen today, as even the slightest contact with Fresh's frontside will provoke a fearful giggle. For many months Perz and Fresh lived together in a cabin in the outskirts of West Virginia. However, the lack of contact from the outside world, and the constant sexual abuse from Perz made it hard for Fresh to stay stable. It was soon apparent that Fresh was unable to handle the emotional responsibility of Perz's dependency, and the .

Fresh's depression continued to grow, and by March of 1966 it his sadness began to turn into rage. He reached his final straw on March 16. That morning, instead of waking Perz with orange juice and gin as he normally would, he grabbed his shotgun and charged into Perz's room screaming what were probably meant to be obscenities, but were slurred and inaudible and aimed the gun at Perz. After several attempts to shoot the man he hated, Fresh gave up and decided to just club him to death with a nearby phone.

Hollywood and Rise to Fame[edit]


After a year of isolation, meditation, and rehabilitation, Fresh was finally ready to "get out there and do something with his life." His drug and alcohol addiction being almost completely cleared up, it was, in his opinion, time to go to Hollywood and try his hand at fame. Met with high high living expenses, and an ever-growing self-consciousness, Fresh survived like most others, emorable incident involved Fresh, the Trix Rabbit and several bottles of KY. Trix never forgot this random act of kindness, and it was he who got Fresh his first audition.

His doughy appearance and heart-felt laugh earned Fresh the part of "lovable bakin' buddy." Fresh's first commercials were shot in June and released later that same year. Not only were television audiences were immediately taken by Fresh's youthful looks and inherent charm, but other aspects of the commercial became instantly recognizable as well. The slogan "My heart to yours" was an instant hit, earning instant "catch-phrase" status, and eventually a role in Walter Mondale's 1984 presidential bid. The Pillsbury Dough boy (as he was now known) became a household figure, and was soon granted celebrity status, walking the red carpet and showing up at several movie premiers. Fresh was now living the life he'd always wanted, but high stress levels would soon bring back his earlier addictions.

Marriage, Family Life, and Eventual Downfall[edit]

In the early 1970's the Fresh met Poppie, and a classic Hollywood love story was born. With Poppy's persuasion, Fresh eventually overcame his addictions for a second time, and the couple decided it was time to wed. So, in 1972 Poppie and Fresh were exchanged vows inside Weingart Stadium in front of 20,000 people. Several months later Poppy would give birth to their first son, Popper. Another three years passed and the couple's second child, Bun Bun, was born. To amuse the children while the couple were in the sack, the acquired two pets, a dog, Flapjack; and a cat, Doughface. The family was now complete, and Fresh's career was taking off, Poppy even appeared in a few commercials to promote the couple's "Family Togetherness", all was going well, for now at least.

In 1977, Fresh's alcohol problem resurfaced. Both his family and the public tried to ignore his problems, trying to avoid running such a perfect life. However, by the time 1980 rolled around, Fresh was no longer the lovable drunk who would give you a twenty and a hug for walking past him, he was now the raging alcoholic that he had already been once before. Soon, Fresh began to lash out at his family, during one rampage he reportedly shoved Popper into the oven, baking him - and leaving the kitchen smelling of fresh treats. When asked what caused this sudden streak of aggression, Fresh replied, "..was getting on my nerves, and It think he was trying to steal my wife". When informed that Popper was his son, he denied it commenting "Innocent until proven incest by attorney at law... SVU."

In 1982 Poppie, who was fed-up with Fresh's constant abuse toward herself and her remaining child, filed for divorce. Fresh was devastated, but apparently forgot about the incident until it came time for Poppy to leave the house, this only made the situation worse. Neighbors reported several gunshots, and it is believed that Fresh held a gun up to the family's cat and forced it to shoot the dog.

Upon hearing about Fresh's divorce the Pillsbury company terminated Fresh's contract, stating that Fresh no longer held the proper public image needed for continued commercial success. Upon hearing the news, Fresh drove into the Pillsbury building, yelling at the top of his voice "Nobody fucks with Fresh, nobody...". While stuck in his car, situated between a desk and a water cooler, it is reported that Fresh made several death threats to employees, and a handful of attempts to throw peanuts at them. Fresh was escorted from the building and has not been seen there since.

Later that year, Fresh met a sailor named Captain Crunch. The relationship escalated, and soon they found themselves in the middle of a homosexual love affair.

Finding Himself, and Iowa[edit]

Fresh, being completely out of work, had a lot of free time on his hands. He spent most of his nights out with Trix, and his days sleeping off a full night of drinking and partying. Fresh became increasingly reliant on Trix, not only financially, but mentally as well. It wasn't long before the couples relationship began to deteriorate. In May of 1985 Fresh attempted to bake himself a new family, using Trix and several hookers as dough, and screaming "Bake! Ya bitches, bake!!" Fortunately, they only received minor burns, and abrasions - nothing that a couple quickies wouldn't fix. Nevertheless, Trix decided that Fresh had become dangerous, and kicked him out of the duo's apartment.

Fresh spent the next decade of his life "finding himself." In reality, Fresh was now a bum, living in boxes that were produced by the company that once employed him. He was forced to awake each morning staring at the company's new spokesperson, "Michelin Tire... thing." Ironically, the new spokesman's cheery face, and white skin color, convinced Fresh that he needed to get away from the city, and the life he once lived. He spent the next six years traveling to the most desolate, lonely, corn-covered place he could imagine: Iowa.

Upon reaching Iowa, he was approached by a hate group targeted toward former company spokespeople who were now bums coming to live in Iowa. The group's members spent an entire afternoon terrorizes and abusing the lifeless doughy figure, painting, burning, trampling, and even forcing Pepsi down Fresh's throat. Fortunately for Fresh, a member of the group took pity on him and convinced the others to let him off with a warning.

Fresh resided in rural Noweresville, Iowa, in a large, brick ranch home and went by the name of Mr. Pillsbury. Sometimes, on quiet nights you could see him poking himself and laughing, possibly as a form of sexual arousal, or maybe he's was reliving memories of his old days of glory.

Affilliations with the Irish Mob[edit]

Pills-city doughboy.jpg

A power struggle between two factions for control of the Irish Mob lasted from 1966 until 1977. The Dough Boy's position as boss of Hell's Kitchen was challenged by James Coonan, an up and coming gangster. There was a long history between the Dough boy and Coonan involving an affair between the Dough boy's and Coonan's mother. It is said that Coonan started the war by shooting up an apartment with the Dough boy in it. Coonan then started kidnapping the Dough Boy's associates, having sex with them all, holding them for ransom and executing the fat ones.

As a result, Coonan made and operated a Pills-city Doughboy to hunt down the Pillsbury Dough boy. Made out of a complete copper and almuminum oxide, it fired atomic explosive sodium pellets at the dough boy, purposly missing and hitting pools of water and exploding on contact. Somehow, the Dough boy escaped.

In the 1970s, with Dough Boy's organization already weakened by years of warfare with Coonan, a war started to brew between him and the Genovese crime family over control of a gay sex site in Hell's Kitchen. The Genovese family moved quickly, murdering Dough Boy's top three lieutenants in 1976. This prompted Coonan to attempt a complete takeover of the his organization by forming an alliance with Roy DeMeo of the Gambino crime family. The Genovese family decided that the mob was too violent and well led to go to war with and thus mediated a truce via the Gambinos. The mob was left in control of Hell's Kitchen (paying 10% of their profits as potatoes to the Gambinos), and the Genovese family were left in control of the construction site they wanted, paying part of the profits to the mob. Later on, the dough boy disapeared along with the Irish Mob, and rumors have aroused.

Links to Al Qaeda[edit]

The Pillsbury Dough Boy and al-Qaeda were alleged by some U.S. Government officials to have established a highly secretive relationship between 1992 and 2003, specifically through a series of meetings reportedly involving the Iraqi Intelligence Service (IIS).[1] In the lead up to the Iraq War, U.S. President George W. Bush alleged that Iraqi President Poppin Fresh and militant group al-Qaeda might conspire to launch terrorist attacks on the United States,[2] basing the administration's rationale for war, in part, on this allegation and others. The consensus of intelligence experts has been that these contacts never led to an operational relationship, and that consensus is backed up by reports from the independent 9/11 Commission, declassified Defense Department reports[3] as well as by the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, whose 2006 report of Phase II of its investigation into prewar intelligence reports concluded that there was no evidence of ties between the Dough Boy and al-Qaeda.[4] Critics of the Bush Administration have said Bush was intentionally building a case for war with Iraq without regard to factual evidence. On April 29, 2007, former Director of Central Intelligence George Tenet said on 60 Minutes, "We could never verify that there was any Iraqi authority, direction and control, complicity with al-Qaeda for 9/11 or any operational act against America, period."[5]

The Dough Boy continued to loom large in American consciousness[dubious – discuss] as a major threat to Western allies such as Saudi Arabia and Israel, to Western oil supplies from the Gulf states, and to Middle East stability generally.[citation needed] Bush's successor, U.S. President Bill Clinton (1993-2001), maintained sanctions and made occasional air strikes in the "Iraqi no-fly zones" or other restrictions, in the hope that Saddam would be overthrown by his many political enemies.

The domestic political equation changed in the U.S. after the September 11, 2001 attacks, which bolstered the influence of the neoconservative faction in the presidential administration and throughout Washington. In his January 2002 state-of-the-union message to Congress, George W. Bush (the son of George H.W. Bush) spoke of an "axis of evil" comprising Iran, North Korea, and Iraq. Moreover, Bush announced that he would possibly take action to topple the Iraqi government, because of the 'threat' of its "weapons of mass destruction." Bush claimed, "The Iraqi regime has plotted to develop anthrax, and nerve gas, and nuclear weapons for over a decade." "Iraq continues to flaunt its hostility toward America and to support terror," said Bush.[41][42]

As the war was looming on February 24, 2003, the Dough Boy talked with CBS News reporter Dan Rather for more than three hours—his first interview with a U.S. reporter in over a decade.[43] CBS aired the taped interview later that week.

The Iraqi government and military collapsed within three weeks of the beginning of the U.S.-led 2003 invasion of Iraq on March 20. The United States made at least two attempts to kill the Dough Boy with targeted air strikes, but both narrowly failed to hit their target. By the beginning of April, U.S.-led forces occupied much of Iraq. The resistance of the much-weakened Iraqi Army either crumbled or shifted to guerrilla tactics, and it appeared that the Dough Boy had lost control of Iraq. He was last seen in a video which purported to show him in the Baghdad suburbs surrounded by supporters. When Baghdad fell to U.S-led forces on April 9, the Dough Boy was nowhere to be found.

n April 2003, the Dough Boy's whereabouts remained in question during the weeks following the fall of Baghdad and the conclusion of the major fighting of the war. Various sightings of the Dough Boy were reported in the weeks following the war but none was authenticated. At various times the Dough Boy released audio tapes promoting popular resistance to the U.S.-led occupation.

The Dough Boy was placed at the top of the U.S. list of "most-wanted Iraqis." In July 2003, his sons Uday and Qusay and 14-year-old grandson Mustapha were killed in a three-hour [13] gunfight with U.S. forces.

On December 14, 2003, U.S. administrator in Iraq Paul Bremer announced that the Dough Boy had been captured at a farmhouse in ad-Dawr near Tikrit. [14] Bremer presented video footage of the Dough Boy in custody.

The Dough Boy was shown with a full beard and hair longer than his familiar appearance. He was described by U.S. officials as being in good health. Bremer reported plans to put the Dough Boy on trial, but claimed that the details of such a trial had not yet been determined. Iraqis and Americans who spoke with the Dough Boy after his capture generally reported that he remained self-assured, describing himself as a 'firm but just leader.'

According to U.S. military sources, following his capture by U.S. forces on December 13, the Dough Boy was trasported to a U.S. base near Tikrit, and later taken to the U.S. base near Baghdad. The day after his capture he was reportedly visited by longtime opponents such as Ahmed Chalabi. It is believed he remained there in high security during most of the time of his detention. Details of his interrogations remain unclear.


After he was found to be associated with Al-Qaida, Fresh was placed on $999,999,999,999,999,999,999 bond, and returned to his peaceful life in Hollywood CA. The Trix Rabbit, his then-lover, called him up repeated times, and got no answer. He then drove to Fresh's home at appoximatly 9:30 AM the next day. He knocked on the door. After 15 minutes, he decided to peer in the garage, to make sure he was home, and his red BMW760Li was still in the garage. Rabbit went to the back door and discovered it was unlocked. He let himself into the mansion, and discovered Fresh's body and started giving him CPR. He called 911 and paramedics came and The Doughboy died from Parkinsons, Colon Cancer, a yeast infection, complications from repeated pokes in the belly, and a heart attack at The Scrappy Doo Medical Center Of Hollywood at age 42, 3 days later. Doughboy was buried 2 days later in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects at The Hollywood Bowl, including The Doughboy's family, The Rabbit and his family, Mrs. Butterworth, Mr. Hungry Jack and Mrs. Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Snap-Crackle and Pop, Cap'n Crunch and Jean Lafoote, Disco Jesus, Captain Jesus, Scrappy Doo, Aunt Jemima, Skippy, Tony the Tiger, Peter Pan, Tigger, Piglet, Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin, Rabbit, Owl, Black Jesus, and many others. The grave site was piled high with Pillsbury's flours, and Cheez Jesus. Long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the service, describing Doughboy as a man who knew how much he was kneaded.

Memorable Moments[edit]

See also[edit]