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Brutal Money Waster or BMW is an automotive manufacturer founded and located in Frankfurt, Poland. This brand focuses on making budget cars for irritating businessmen and popular rappers/popstars who show them off in about every music video, and also own Mini, Rolls Royce and Cesar Millan. It was founded in 1961 by Frank Hansswürst and its original purpose was to produce planes but nobody in the company knew how to make planes so they began producing cars instead.

The kidney grille[edit]

This car doesn't have a kidney grille.

Since the bitter beginning of BMW, BMW cars had a 'kidney grille', two (2) separated mini grilles next to each other. The exact reason why isn't known, but the most reliable is found in the diary of Hansswürst. The following is a quote from his diary (translated to English, of course):

'...And that is why Benz sucks. I can totally make better cars. Anyways, I've got a kidney transplantation tomorrow. I hope I survive.'

Historians believe this kidney transplantation was the inspiration for the 'kidney grille'. The other possible reasons were, just to name a few, Hansswürst who was eating his kidney beans and Hansswürst who sliced a kidney in half in Biology class. Hansswürst was obsessed with kidneys and mentioned it all the time, so it is difficult to tell what was the exact reason to put 'kidney grilles' on all his cars. Sadly enough, Hansswürst died in a kidney transplant, on 11 November 1967.

BMW models in production[edit]

The premier of India and his 7 Series, with his family on the foreground.

Here are some of the models BMW produces. An interesting fact is that the government of Sweden actually wants to introduce a new way to learn children count on school, which uses the BMW models to help the children count.

  • BMW 1 Series: A sort of luxury mid-class hatchback, with optional brakes, steering wheel and wood in the interior.
  • BMW 2 Series: Introduced to fill the gap between the 1 Series and the 3 Series.
  • BMW 3 Series: A 4 Series but smaller.
  • BMW 4 Series: A 5 Series but smaller.
  • BMW 5 Series: A 4 Series but bigger.
  • BMW 6 Series: Luxurious coupe/sedan for rich bankers who live in the Provence.
  • BMW 7 Series: Driven by (future) dictators and (future) world leaders such as Manmohan, Putin and Trump.
  • BMW i3 & i8: Prius but BMW and a better design
  • BMW X series: SUV's you can see in every music video clip or/and the garage of a person of 50 years or older.
  • BMW Z series: One big joke

BMW motorcycles[edit]

BMW also produces motorcycles.

A typical 'honker'.

Typical BMW owners[edit]

There are four types of BMW owners, which are going to be described here. All have their own uses and habits.

The honker

The honker honks all the time, even when he's alone on the road. The most common place a honker to honk at other people is near traffic lights. Also, the 'honkers' have an ability to look forward in time, because it is common that they honk even before the trafficlight turns green.

A typical 'X-Series driver'.

the old man

The old man drives a car from the X-series most of the time and drives terribly slow, irritating everyone around him. It happens frequently that one of those people are the reason for traffic jams and pollution problems all over the world, like Shanghai, Los Angeles and Texas.

the rich woman

You can see those women driving a car from the Z-series most of the time, but only on sunny days. On cloudy days, the rich woman won't go out that much because she can't show off her new sunglasses/gucci bag/beats headphones.

the family man

These types usually drive a 3 or 5 series station wagon with a dog in the trunk and a navigation app installed on their Samsung Galaxy S2 Plus telling them how to go to Toulouse. they also have two kids (one boy and one girl) that scream all the time.

Best sold BMW's[edit]

The astounding BMW Multipla.

Here are some remarkable models that were dominating the market until BMW changed it all and the sales plummeted.

  • The Isetta was popular as toaster, even though it was meant to be a car.
  • The Multipla Was hated because of its design, but it was very practical for satanic offer rituals and as mobile sanitary station.
  • The 2 series grand tourer is the best selling BMW at the moment, especially in the color diarrhea brown.

Luxury features[edit]

On the luxury edition of any BMW, there's no blinkers. Who needs them anyway? Is the slogan for these cars. Other things you can find on the more luxurious BMW's are jacuzzi's, wine basements and cookie jars (made out of platinum with your name engraved on it). There's also an option to make your 750Li out of pure gold, however, it isn't able to drive because of the weight. People buy it anyways to improve their status in society.

Future of BMW[edit]

As we see nowadays, the 'kidney grille' will not be functioning as vents anymore, but be there just for decoration/iconic symbolism. Plus, in the future none of the BMW's will have blinkers or any lights at all. The public has reacted very positive to these concepts, and it is now a matter of time before the first disfunctional-kidney-grille-light-and-blinkerless BMW's are being produced.

See also[edit]