Dodgeball

A player (foreground) prepares to do with a dodgeball what he would not be allowed to do with a basketball (background), nor with a rock on the playground.

“Romance and intrigue; the inner conflict of lust and love lost...a new sport was born.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Dodgeball dates back to 2000 B.C., when a caveman found a way to convert large, round rocks into flying projectiles. He found extreme amusement by killing his neighbor. This "accident" was then deemed "dodge the blue ball" and later shortened to "dodgeball". The French have always exceeded at this "ball" game although they have never won a game.

History of the Sport

Dodgeball is an ancient sport, perhaps the oldest known to man. From fossil records, it appears that the game was invented when one caveman, named Dirk, threw a rock at his friend Bud. He missed, but Bud, aware that Dirk had thrown a rock at him, retrieved the rock and threw it back. Dirk, already fully aware of the rock, managed to dodge it. Finally, Dirk threw a different rock at Bud. This time, Bud was struck by the rock and knocked out. With this stunning leap in human development, the game of dodgeball was forged. Not only had the basic actions of the sport been decided (throw things, dodge things), but the first rules have been written as well: if the object hits you, you are out. In this case, out cold.

For thousands of years, the game continued in this way, with people throwing rocks at each other, and their targets either being killed or being consumed by dinosaurs. The ball had evolved from a rock to a pointy sphere of metal, but it wasn’t until the Roman Empire that the next real development occurred in dodgeball history. With the development of the Coliseum, a new dimension of dodgeball had been added: the field. Until this point, players were liable to attack each other anywhere, including from up a tree, at the dinner table, or while one player was sleeping. Now, however, boundaries were set. Players could not exit the arena under pain of death, and for the first time every player was aware of precisely when and where the game was occurring. Thusly, people were able to prepare for the battle, and the first professional dodgeballers, better known as gladiators, rose to prominence in Rome. The most famous of these was Brutus, who invented the technique, still used today, of deflecting a projectile with the ball in your hands. Brutus was eventually eaten by a lion, making him a martyr and the patron saint of dodgeball.

But while St. Brutus and his fellow gladiators had perfected the form of throwing the object, Japan was developing the art of dodging the object. A ninja named Egdod Llab had noticed that you were less likely to be killed by an incoming ball, now a severed head, if you are able to evade it. Egdod trained day and night to gain mastery of this skill, and finally achieved a dodgeball nirvana, wherein the player can never be hit by any object. This noble ninja wrote of the five D’s of dodgeball, essential to this skill: Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive, and Dodge. In his honor, Japan adopted a new rule: If a player was nimble enough to snatch the head from midair, that person would not only still be in, but the thrower would be beheaded and used for the next game.

Now that the two pillars of dodgeball had been mastered, attention turned once more to the mechanics of the game, specifically the teams. The answers came from the Old West, where organized posses would fight against one another. The town of Dodge City was the first to incorporate the concept of "sides" into their games. The sheriff and his posse would stand on one side of town while the outlaw’s gang would stand on the other. Several minutes of suspenseful music would play while the two sides waited for the clock to strike noon. When this happened, the two sides would rush toward each other to retrieve the balls, set an equal distance from both sides. The ones quicker to reach the balls usually had an advantage, since they had more time to return to the edge and hunker behind barrels. The town of Dodge City is also credited with adding their own adaptation of the Chinese rule, by allowing a deceased member of a team to dramatically recover when his teammate caught a ball.

Finally, the modern era. All of the principles and details added throughout the ages were unified for the first time by an organization called the American Dodgeball Association of America. With the ADAA’s help, playing fields were standardized, the maximum team size was lowered to six, and the rubber balls we all know today were implemented. Yes, Dodgeball had come a great distance from its primitive prehistoric roots, but it was still very similar. Though the fatality rates are not as impressive, the basic tenets of the sport are basically the same. Violence, degradation, and segregation are ingrained into the game, no matter what the pansies say.

How To Play

The game is played on a large rectangular court, called the bed. A line in the middle of the court, called the shaft, divides the bed into two halves, and all of the balls that will be used in gameplay must be placed along it before play starts. An even number of players are divided into two teams, and stand on opposite sides of the bed. When the game starts the players charge the shaft, grab the balls and proceed to hit the players of the opposing team with the balls. If a player is hit, he is considered "out" and must leave the bed. When a team has lost all its players, they lose and the game is over. The winning team is declared the winner.

The Principles of Dodgeball

There are many principles that all good dodgeball players must know. The most vital are known as the Four D's of Dodgeball:

Dodge the ball, so it doesn't hit you.

Duck so that the ball misses you and you get that great painful feeling when you fall on the floor. Don't whine about it, it builds character. Or use a duck for cover. Quack!

Dip... no idea. Maybe you're supposed to... dip stuff in sauce when you eat it? But how will that affect the game?

Dive as in skydiving. Only applies when playing the extreme "get thrown out of a plane" version of dodgeball.

That's um... lets see one, two, three, four, ... yeah, those are the four D's of Dodgeball. There are also three other rules that will be invaluable throughout training:

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball: Dodgeball teachers, please throw wrenches at your team if they don't pay attention. It's fun for you and it builds character for them.

If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball: The element of danger will make sure you suddenly become good at dodging. Unless you really aren't that good so... moving on. It builds character.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a firearm: just look for the target.

Fundamental Player Stereotypes

• The Jock: The person that can throw the ball at over twenty thousand ironing boards per fortnight with an estimated power level of over 9000, thus making him win every single game. If you are a nerd, run; they feed on your pain.

• The Prep: The one who throws the ball just because she wants to hold something shiny or pink. There is more a threat from Magikarps than the Prep.

• The Nerd: He will use his superior knowledge of physics and math to calculate your doom, unfortunately, they all lack any physical skill.

• The Emo: He is the one you want to aim for to crush his life. He is usually the one walking in the back of the crowd with no ball because he shows no sign of effort.

• The Queer: The kid who sits out on the bleachers and does nothing, just drools and looks at the pretty red balls.

• The Russian: The kid who just got transferred, and holds a knife in his shoe, and a pistol in his pants.

• The Official: This is the guy who when he was a kid loved dodgeball, but was never any good at it. Now as an adult he is stronger than the kids so he became an official for dodgeball. During the games he is known to go away from his referee stand to grab 'the enforcer' and throw it in an unsuspecting kids face. He is wanted in 8 states for 20 murders...each.

Variants On Gameplay

Those cars frickin' hurt!

Over the years, many people have come up with different ways to play dodgeball in order to make the game more interesting. Here are a few of the most popular modifications.

• Doughboy Dogdeball: This variant is played in a normal environment with different rules. Everyone groups up from each team and both captains pick the fattest kid. Then, everyone gets a ball and throws it at him the only thing is, that ball is make out of cake. yes cake, and the fattest child trys to catch it in his mouth as a treat for winning.

• Dodgeball with Sharks: This variant is played in a pool, with one team made up entirely of sharks. The game usually decomposes into chaos, as the sharks tend not to follow the rules and the humans tend to get eaten.

• Dodgeball With an Angry Gorilla: This variant is played with an odd number of players. One of the players is an angry gorilla. You can also use a real gorrila as it is more fun. Be careful, the gorilla usually does not co-operate. The gorilla is placed on the shaft along with the balls at the start of the game. Then the fun times begin.

• Dodgeball With a Bomb Filled With Knives: Like regular dodgeball, except one of the balls is actually a bomb filled with knives. The game usually ends when the bomb explodes.

• Dodgeball With Cars: Dodgeball with cars instead of balls. This is fairly pointless, but it gives me an excuse to use that stupid picture on the right. You'd better F***ING enjoy it.

• Dodgeball With Bowling Balls: STRIKE!

• DodgeRay: This variant is famous amongst daredevils of the animal world it is also played with aliens on various occasions. It is like normal dodgeball, but instead of using a dodgeball, a live Stingray is used. Due to their shape it is much harder to throw them accurately, as well as without being electrocuted to death. It is rumored that Steve Irwin was killed by a Stingray during DodgeRay when he got someone out and grabbed the nearest Stingray to throw it at the ground in victory, only to miss and hit his foot, causing the Stingray to shock him to death because he didn't want to see his pathetic face in DodgeRay ever again.

• Courtroom Dodgeball: In this variant, the parents of whichever kids you hit with dodgeballs will sue you because they are douchebag helicopter parents with too much time on their hands and are going to raise their kid to be as soft as the Pillsbury Dough Boy and also because they think any games more violent than hide and seek should be banned. These said douchebags are ruining America's future because they raise kids to be soft so that when one eventually gets elected president, they will cry when Osama Bin Laden says Iraq is better than America and will spend all of their press conferences bragging to everyone that their mommy said they were the best president ever.

An impromptu dodgeball match, using locally available ingredients, occurred during a press conference of George Dubya Bush in Iraq in 2008.

• Dodgeball With Shoes:While this version is similar to normal dodgeball, it differs in that a shoe or shoes are used to play rather than dodgeballs. While it is not common in western society, it is popular in the Middle East and among visitors to this region. As well, the game is not played on any sort of standard court, but rather is played anywhere. There is no standard starting of a game besides one person throwing a shoe at another. If the shoe hits them, then they must play, but if they miss then the thrower is deemed a loser and is tackled to punish him for his insolence.

Getting the Most Out of the Game

Making the game even better is easily accomplished. Just do some of the following to make it more enjoyable:

• Fill balls with hydrogen. Bring matches.'
• Practice dodging wrenches.
• Practice dodging responsibility (see Jon Gosselin).
• Use a shotgun to dodge balls.
• Practice dodging a firearm.
• Practice dodging traffic.
• Practice dodging your ex-wife/girlfriend. Oh, wait, this is Uncyclopedia. Nobody has an ex-wife/girlfriend here.
• Aim for the fat kid.
• Weaker people on your team are there SOLELY to be used as human shields. If necessary, they may also be used as dodgeballs themselves but don't forget to be responsible and give them a piece of candy for being a team player.