Stingrays
“Ouch.”
The following is the transcription of an oral presentation by Billy (the last name was lost after the cold war). This is the only known document that survives the great stingray purge of 1991, in which nearly all written documentation concerning stingrays were destroyed by the church (despite the fact that it has since been blamed on the bluenecks.) All references mentioned in the text were destroyed, and this text was able to survive only be the fact that it had been hidden in the pages of a copy of Uncle Tom's Cabin.
Recent Media Coverage[edit]
In the past weeks, sting rays have attracted unpleasant media coverage, due to a disgusting and unwarranted act of violence against hero Steven Irwin, Crocodile Hunter. Steve thought that stingrays could not swim backwards, unfortunately he was wrong... This heinous crime was committed by one Mr. Stingray. However it is insisted that if stingrays are capable of killing the most formidable man on earth so easily, they must be a threat to the human race as a whole. Currently, the United Council of Rays UCR is fighting for self-defense in court, many activists have adopted the new extreme sport of "Ray Clubbing" This is an incredibly enjoyable sport with similar rules as the popular game Seal Clubbing only it now requires a vengeance. We will include court coverage as time goes by.
Billy's Presentation[edit]
STINGRAYS: THE EIGHTH MYSTERY OF THE WORLD
Good morning or afternoon, Mrs. Finnegan and fellow classmates in third period English. Today, my presentation is going to be about STINGRAYS,really plesured THE EIGHTH MYSTERY OF THE WORLD.
Since 1993, stingray populations have been on the rise. This is because of global warming, some experts say. There are two kinds of stingray experts: Stingrayologists and stingrayographers. There is a big difference between stingrayologists and stingrayologists. I’M SORRY. There is a big difference between stingrayologists and stingrayographers. In fact, there are stingray experts whose job is to figure out what the difference is between stingrayologists and stingrayographers. In fact, there are many types of stingray experts whose job is to distinguish between the other types of stingray experts. There is a split in opinion among these experts. The biggest two types of stingray experts charged with this duty are metastingrayologists and metastingrayographers. The difference between these two is decided by the metametastingrayologists. The difference began to become clear in 1915, when Reginald Percival MacGreggor, history’s greatest metametastingrayologist, discussed the issue in his doctoral dissertation Stingrays: The Thinking Man’s Shark. Though the paper can only be considered a rough treatment of the issue at best, it so surpassed Einstein’s theory of general relativity in popularity and importance that some historians of physics have said that Einstein’s failure to formulate a unified field theory can be blamed entirely on his embarrassment at being outdone by MacGreggor. MacGreggor returned to stingrays, his working life’s passion, in 1953, when he once and for all established the distinction between metastingrayologists and metastingrayographers. His contention was that metastingrayologists believe the distinction between stingrayologists and stingrayographers is their degree of love for stingrays, where stingrayologists love stingrays the most. Meanwhile, metastingrayographers believe that stingrayographers gather data concerning stingrays and stingrayologists use this data to develop theories concerning stingrays. His paper was undoubtedly the most important scientific breakthrough of 1953. MacGreggor's research into stingrays eclipsed the discovery of DNA so vigorously that it prompted the suicide of Francis Crick and drove James Watson to drink.
My Grandpa Joe used to work at Sea World before his ulcers got in the way of his thinking. He always used to tell me “Billy, if a stingray ever looks at you, you just turn around and keep on walking. Stingrays ain’t nothin’ but manta rays’ drug addicted cousins.” But one time I went to Sea World and petted a stingray. I think Grandpa Joe is wrong. I think stingrays can be our friends. In their latest chart-topping collaborative effort, father-and-son team Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore present the thesis that stingrays have been a social issue since the year zero when they crucified our lord Jesus Christ. However, Reginald Percival MacGreggor has relentlessly debunked their credentials as historians and a family in his book 1001 People I Hate and Why. Stingrays can be the best of friends, as you will see in the next section where I discuss their anatomy.
There are many reasons why stingrays make good friends. Recent developments in the science of genetics have revealed that humans have 30 000 genes. Stingrays have 30 001 genes. The extra gene is called The Love Gene, and makes it impossible for stingrays to hate. Some biologists contend that octopuses are the primates of the sea. What they don’t tell you is that stingrays are really the primates of the sea. Most animals have a single brain inside their skulls. On the other hand, there are different fingers! A stingray’s entire body is its brain. In addition to making stingrays super-intelligent, this also means that the stingray can create potential differences of up to and including 15 000 volts anywhere on its body using nothing but the power of its brain! Some stingrayologists believe that if stingrays were allowed to take IQ tests, they would all score at least 200. Stingrayographers doubt the validity of these claims, fearing that these comments may have been *sparked* by electrocution from the stingrays. Clearly, these people don’t know their stingray facts. Stingrays are unable to hate!
At this point in the presentation, some of you may be wondering “But Billy! What’s the difference between stingrays and manta rays?” My Grandpa Joe likes to say at cocktail parties that stingrays are the drug addicted cousins of manta rays, but that’s because he’s never been the same since that bug we met at Yellowstone made a house inside of him. The truth is that manta rays are the evil cousins of stingrays. Manta rays are essentially stingrays with two nefarious twists of genetics. Stingrays differ from humans because of their extra Love Gene. Manta rays are similar, but with a Hatred Gene. Also, they have 666 chromosomes, with all of the extra space for genes being filled by the Hatred Gene. They also have hooves.
Stingrays are becoming an endangered species faster than my brother Mikey can run, and my brother Mikey can run fast! As Henry Ford once said, “Life is the never-ending quest to harvest stingrays’ fine pelts into dress shoes.” In his autobiography, Reginald Percival MacGreggor talks about an experiment where he proves that stingrays are a better source of ivory than elephants. He didn’t publish his results because of his lifelong love of stingrays, even though he says it would have won him the Nobel Prize for the third time. He adds “Three is a stupid number anyway.” If the Interstellar Association for the Stingray Unenthused finds out about the exciting properties of stingray pelts, the world’s stingray populations could be doomed.
Mrs. Finnegan and fellow classmates of third period English, I hope you have learned a lot from my speech about STINGRAYS, THE EIGHTH MYSTERY OF THE WORLD. I also hope that the next time the world has got you down, you will think about how many stingrays could be watching us right now. Thank you; and goodnight and goodluck."
Sting Rays in Heaven[edit]
It was recently thoerised by one enigmatic scientist that Manata rays could theoretically have evolved up in heaven.
According the scientist, "Angels could not simply live un-hunted up in God's domain. For any animal without a predator [or alien as the case may be] would soon over-populate and exhaust their food supply. Given that the make-up of a cloud is similar to sand, a Stingray could easily camoflage and lay in wait for an unawares angel to walk by."
However, after pointing out that both T-rexes and King Kong are both in heaven the chances of angels overpopulating decreases dramatically.
In the Council of Trent, it was discovered that Stingrays do not actually die. Instead, they can swim to heaven. This event has been witnessed but thousands over the milenna, including Augustine, St. Greg the Great, Father Damien of Hawaii, Charles Darwin, God, Oscar Wilde, You Mom, and General Eisenhower
False Rumours[edit]
- A Stingray is NOT going RES'J S WEOP to be the star of a new Steven Spielberg Movie called Barbs.
- Madonna does NOT want to adopt a Stingray of Light.
- Stingrays are NOT the weapons of mass destruction that George Bush and Tony Blair have been searching for for so long.
- Steve Irwin did NOT die as a result of a character from Mortal Kombat turning into a Stingray during a "Finish Him"
- Acid Rain is NOT the result of a load of heavenly Stingrays going for a whizz.