From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Despite their performance features and marketing, Pontiacs are mostly limited to crappy services such as serving as staff cars.

Pontiac means "Poor Old Nigra Thinks Its a Cadillac". As a sub-brand manufactured by the General Motors Corporation, it was discontinued after supplies of ribbed lower body cladding ran out in the great plastic depression of 2009. Founded in 1926, Pontiac is widely considered the most fuel-efficient brand of American cars, with a few models even getting 22 miles to a gallon! And did you know that a girl group from South Korea named I.O.I did love Pontiac secretly? If you know Sofia the First, then you know Enchancia that had a shitload of flying horses and Pontiacs that their license plate says: Yes I Love it I.O.I!!

Pontiac models (current and historic)[edit]

The 1968 Firebird.
  • Pontiac Grand Prix: a car specially designed for obese Americans, it is three lanes wide, contains an in-dash vending machine, and weighs 40 tonnes when empty. "Wider is Better."- Yeah, at least to these obese tubs of lard.
This is the newer Firebird that looks like a genital sausage Corvette
  • Pontiac Trans Am: similar to the Firefox, but equipped with huge genitals and attracts more women. It is a trim line on the Firefox, but for decades dickholes have insisted that Trans Am is a firefox.
  • Pontiac Firefox or Firebird: an open source car created by the Godzilla Foundation in 2003. It has since been named on Steve Ballmer's infamous hitlist. This should not be confused with the open source car, Firefox Is A Sedan Version With A Seating Capacity Of: 4* Pontiac Big Prix: an obnoxious low-riding coupe, with a 10 foot high unpainted aero-foil. Comes fully pimped with bling, it is considered the car for young asian men who desperately want to be black
  • Pontiac Montana: a large, bleak minivan, very few were produced, one for each resident of the state of Montana.
  • Pontiac Safari: a station wagon produced from 1955-1989, this model came equipped with a blunderbuss, a colonial hunting hat, and a giant dashboard-mounted handle-bar moustache.
  • Pontiac Ciat' Nop: Sold only in France, this vehicle can be driven forward or backward without regard to traffic laws.
  • Pontiac Firefly: a compact sports car, notable for its giant abdomen that glows in the dark and vibrates while the engine is running. A personal favorite of the legendary captain Mal Reynolds.
  • Pontiac GTO a popular high-performance muscle car originally introduced in 1964, but discontinued in 1974 due to protests about similarities to Ferrari's "GTO" and the end of the muscle car era triggered by the fuel crisis. A war broke out between the two manufacturers over who really invented the GTO. In 2003, the war ended with a victory for Pontiac, which led to the re-introduction of the GTO in 2004. Best source for information on the "goat" can be found here: http://forums.performanceyears.com/forums/
  • Pontiac Mayfly: a marginally scaled-down version of the Pontiac Firefly, powered by a mayfly instead of a three-cylinder engine.
  • Pontiac Gayfly: a reproduction of the Mayfly that is even more compact and comes with a tea set and a copy of Halo Wars.
  • Pontiac Sunfire: created as the arch-nemesis to the Dodge Shadow. The Sunfire, originally called Sunbird, is open source like the Firefox, however, lacks many of it's features, like usefulness. But what it lacks in horsepower, it makes up for with it's highly advanced calendar services. It has been proven that cheeseburgers are best enjoyed when aten in a sunfire. Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan owns 5,671 Sunfires.
Pontiac Aztec.jpg
  • Pontiac Aztek: made entirely of gold and fitted with human sacrificial altar and loin cloth. Approximately -5 were sold. Why? Have you ever seen one? What fag is going to buy a car that looks like it's fucking another car? It's uglier than my girlfriend, almost. Its bodywork was designed by George Bush after he was trapped in an elevator with a pencil and a piece of paper although he claims its actually a self portrait.
  • Pontiac Bonneville SSE a car with a body made of old card board boxes, with a spoiler added, has a computer keyboard instead of a steering wheel. Also recently seen on an SSE was a jet engine which added to the already whopping speeds of the car.
  • Pontiac Dustbuster: Pontiac's first foray into utility vehicles, other than seating seven and being hard to service by one's self, it doubled as a handy, albeit macro sized vacuum cleaner.
  • Pontiac Wave: A new revolutionary binary car, accelerator, brakes and even the steering wheel are bifurcated, and are now less confusing for all those daily drivers for whose driving is painfully complicated.
  • Pontiac Torrent: A car with a built-in BitTorrent client and 750GB hard drive, used to illegally download music and movies for in-car play. Lawsuits from RIAA, MPAA, and/or their members pending.
  • Pontiac Solstice: Sadly, the real thing does not change into a wise-cracking robot. Pretty, though!
  • Pontiac G6: a Chevrolet Malibu rip-off with pimpin' packages, rally equipment; 276 of them given away to audience members of The Oprah Winfrey Show on the talk show's fall 2004 season premiere. Also used as company staff cars. Known as "America's heaviest 4 cylinder sedan", The G6 can outpace the 1996 Geo Metro LSi on the quarter mile, with a time of .5 earth years.