Lada

No thanks.

Lada is a favourite Russian means of transport. There is big tension in Russia to classify it as an Automobile, although it suits the term of "self-constructed carriage" better. In Russia it's called also as the "жигуло" ("woman's best boyfriend"). Russians buy Ladas in pre-constructed status, with about 55% of parts in their places. Final assembly should be done by buyers with an assist of big hammer and vodka. Lada is the perfect union of Italian engineering of Fiat 124 with the AvtoVAZ Russian elegance.

Vodka is a kind of software called liquidware which controls the hammer. Vodka is programmed to operate the construction of a Lada; it has all the necessary blueprints programmed into it. It's created by a well known liquidware creator: "L.I.T.M.I.K.H.I.D." ("Leave It To Me I Know How It's Done") Corp. The blueprint program itself is called: "W.Y.P.O.S" ("Work You Piece Of Shit") Blueprint management system.

I was stopped for speeding in a Lada, but I was let off due to the cop laughing too much. You see, I wasn't even accelerating, someone pushed me down a very steep hill, and I managed to reach 34 mph...

Still, you don't have to think up any Lada jokes, the Lada is a joke. In Soviet Russian language, "lada" means swan - the name was chosen as the vehicle is basically an ugly duckling, but another nation had already claimed the name Turkey.

All of these Jokes where defiantly made by a NON Lada owner because one had to own them to know how good these cars are.

Lada cars[edit]

In order to boost flagging sales, each Lada was bundled with a free horse. Later, each horse was bundled with a free Lada.

All of these Jokes where defiantly made by a NON Lada owner because one had to own them to know how good these cars are.

How big of an engine can you get in a Lada?: Only depends on how many ponies you can get inside.

What do you call a Lada with a working engine?: Fantastic!

What must you always have inside your Lada?: A roll of toilet paper

What do you call a classic Skoda?: A Lada.

What is the equality between a Lada and a magic wand?: They both only works in the adventures.

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?: A miracle.

What do you call several Ladas at the top of a hill?: A car factory.

What do you call 100 Ladas at the top of a hill?: A scrapheap.

There is a big competition at my local pub: Footage from the Pripryatc Lada production line.; the first prize is a Lada; the second prize is two Ladas.

What's the difference between a Lada and tickets for an Oasis concert?: Oasis tickets go fast!

What do you call a Skoda full of food?: A Lada.

What do you call a Lada in the winter?: A freezer.

What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?: A garbage can.

What do you call a convertible Lada?: A Skip!; A dumpster!

How does one get rid of a Lada?: Using a RustRemover agent helps a lot.

What do you call a Lada with no doors or windows?: A climbing frame!; A jungle gym!

How many people in a Lada?: One. The other three are pushing.

How do you overtake a Lada?: Walk

What is the difference between a Lada and the flu?: You can get rid of the flu.

What is a Lada in 6 meters length?: A Chevrolett.

Why buy a Lada?: I dunno...dining table? Really sharp bed?

What do you call a Lada in the summer ?: An oven.
What do you call a Lada during the monsoons?: A Washing Machine

How do you know if your Lada is environmental friendly ?: It doesn't start.

How can you tell if your Lada is of russian manufacture ?: It doesn't cost more than a bottle of Vodka.; It can run on Vodka.; It runs better on Vodka.

Why do Arabs have camels and Russians have Ladas?: The Arabs got to choose first.

Lada manufacturing[edit]

"Leonidas and his Lada. Leonidas frequently promoted Lada automotive products"

How many people does it take to build a Lada?: Four. Two to fold and two to paste.

How do you reduce the wait for delivery of your new Lada ?: Bring back political crime in Russia

How do you tell if your Lada is made by convicts or ordinary workers?: The car assembled by convicts has nothing missing.

How else can you tell if your Lada was built by convicts?: Once it leaves the factory it runs and runs and runs ...

Why should you never try to assemble a Lada without being drunk ?: You will get an AK47.

When is Lada fastest?: On the assembly line with the three workers.

Drivers[edit]

How do two Lada drivers recognise each other?: It's easy... they already met at the garage this morning.

How do you avoid speeding tickets?: Buy a lada

How do you know that your Lada has been burglarized?: Nothing is missing.

Did you hear about the bloke who had his Lada broken into?: The thieves put him a radio in!

What do you call a Lada driver who says he has a speeding ticket?: A liar.

How can you tell a man driving a Lada?: He wears dark sunglasses.
How can you tell a Lada driver from the other people wearing dark sunglasses?: He doesn't have a white cane.

What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada?: You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.

Why are Lada drivers like corned beef?: They both come in tin cans

What is the similarity between a Lada and a bathtub?: You cannot step out of either one in a public place.

What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep?: It's less embarrassing being caught getting out the back of a sheep.

Whats the difference between a Lada and a tampon?: The tampon comes with its own tow rope.

I had to part with my Lada as it was costing too much,: I was only doing 10 miles to every pair of trainers/running shoes.

What do you call a person that drives the Lada for pleasure ?: A real man.

Operation and maintenance[edit]

Lada Niva Cossack in standard trim.

How do you double the value of a Lada?: Fill the gas tank.; Chuck a penny into it.

Can Moskvitch accelerate to 120 km/h?: Yes, but only once.

What is the maximum acceleration of a Lada?: 9.8 m/s²

Why is there one extra pedal on a Lada?: To inflate the airbag.

Lada is now equipped with Four Wheel Drive on NIVA models.: Pedals to the front and back seats, for the back-passengers to add more power due to the extra weight.

What do you call the shock absorbers on a Lada?: Passengers.

What happens if you apply rust remover to a Lada ?: The Lada disappears.

Don't forget the Lada emergency get-you-home kit!: Walking boots & a map.

What occupies the last 16 pages of the Lada User's Manual?: The bus and train timetables.

What does the trip counter in the Lada say when it is passing 10,000 miles?: Game over!

What is a must-have before driving a Lada ?: Life insurance

Options[edit]

What do you call a rust-free Lada?: A miracle.; Air.

What's the definition of an optimist?: The owner of a Lada with an alarm system.; The owner of a Lada with a radar detector.; The owner of a Lada with a trailer hitch.

Want to buy the new 16 valve Lada?: 4 in the engine, 12 in the radio.

How do you recognise a Lada Sport?: When the driver is wearing running shoes.

What do you call a Lada with twin exhaust pipes?: A wheelbarrow.

What do you call a Lada with automatic windows?: A toll booth.

Why do Ladas have a rear wash wipe ?: To remove the flies that crash into them.

Why do Ladas have heated rear windows?: To keep your hands warm whilst pushing them.

Why do Ladas need two spare wheels ?: So you can cycle home.

A guy goes into his local garage and asks "Do you have a windscreen wiper for my Lada???": "Sounds like a fair swap" replied the man in the garage.

What do you get if you fit a turbocharger to a Lada ?: A K-car.

Acronyms[edit]

Lend Another Diva Automobile
Lada A Dream Automobile
Lada Asks you to Drive Alive