“Daddy gave me the broken car, and Hamilton got the good car. I WANT THE GOOD CAR!!!! I'M BETTER THAN HIM!!!!!”
Formula Floor or "What did you do to my lounge room?!!??" as it is officially referred to is a very popular type of hand propelled car racing. Virtually anyone can compete if they have something that can be pushed and resembles a car (If it ressembles a Meatball then it cannot compete was the rule we used back in 2004. Ah, those were the days, back when FFloor was more exciting than F1 Because Michael Schumacher won everything. Unless he didn't because no one ever bothered to watch.). The premier Formula Floor racing series is the Floor GP World Championship held irregularly, made notable for its sheer volume of temper tantrums, nearing 1% of Numerous club events are held in most households with young boys.
The rules governing Formula Floor racing are very lax, allowing almost any small vehicle with at least one wheel to compete. The most popular vehicles used are constructed by Matchbox or Hot Wheels, though generic die-cast cars from China are also widely used. Larger dump trucks are more popular for outdoor events as smaller cars are prone to getting buried or ruined, much to the disgust of the governing body who must pay for all vehicles (My stupid mom always buys those crummy little cars). Lego cars are also gaining popularity, but they must be built and are prone to inexplicably falling apart under the G-forces of particularly stress tantrums. Many children get Carpet Burns when they use Micro Machines because they're really really really small and it makes their fingers rub against the Floor/Track.
The performance of the cars is wholly dependent on the loudness of the sound made by the driver. All vehicles use the Noise/Speed ratio - the louder the sound made, the faster the vehicle.
The sound made by the car varies from vehicle to vehicle, this can range from the basic "VROOOM" of a Muscle car to the characteristic "vrummmmmm-vrummmmmmmmm-vrummmmmmmmmm" of a Formula 1 car. More knowledgeable drivers may use the deeper "Brumm-Brummm-Brummm" while driving a truck as this will give it the ability to drive over anything. Nitrous Oxide can also be used, when loosing, by changing the sound to a "WHOOSH". All cars have an infinite amount of Nitrous Oxide. If the sound made by Johnny is "Look at my Fire Truck" then Johnny is disqualified.
To turn a corner the car must make a screeching sound, but not too loud lest it go flying into a couch, fence or even - if fast enough - into the neighbor's pool (that mean old lady doesn't give them back).
When a car crashes it is the "BOOM" sound that determines the amount of damage done to the car. Most crashes consist of the vehicle flying through the air, doing numerous flips and rolls and then crashing into something, usually a wall or sibling (which gets you busted by my mom). Most cars are drivable after this (if they aren't stuck behind the couch), but not Lego cars, which shatter spectacularly. Most crashes happen at the end of the race when the competitors are cranky and or thirsty. If there are more cars than competitors delibirate crashes are common as many competitors discover they only have 2 arms rather than the 42 they think they have. Oscar Wilde is an expert at this.
The lounge room is Formula Floor's traditional center and remains where most races are held. However, many are held in other more distant locations such as the Backyard, the Sandpit, the Bedroom, a friend's house and the park. There are also plans to expand into the older sister's bedroom but this has been met with stiff resistance by the residents.
There have also been races held in the Bathroom and the Parents Bedroom but these proved unsuccessful, the former being called off after a washout, where numerous cars went missing, presumed washed into an open drain. Since then races are no longer held during "Bath Time" (cos my stupid mom is gonna lose my cars again... that was a real nice silver one too).
Races vary in length, from only a few minutes to sometimes over an hour, and usually finish when competitors decide there is something interesting on the television. Often the race ends when there is a dispute over who is in the lead, these disputes may become violent, forcing the governing body to intervene and hand out penalties, these may include sending a competitor to the bedroom or even physical punishment. Very rarely the race is ended by the governing body when it is decided it has run into Home time, this is generally represented by the symbol of a red hand-print on the backside.
The great Formula Floor tragedy of 1993
Arguably the darkest day in Formula Floor history occurred in the 1993 Grand Prix of My Bedroom. As a pack of around 30 Micro Machines, all locked in hard combat, negotiated the high speed final turn by my bedroom's door, my annoying 8 year old sister came barging in through the door, sending 19 competitors flying off course. My sister later apologized.
14 lego people acting as spectators were killed instantly.
John Bricksburg's death
John Bricksburg died during the 1999 Grand Prix of the Old School Gym. As a pack of 51 Hot Wheels, Matchbox, and generic die-cast cars from China, leaving marks on the concrete floor, negotiated the high speed final turn by the old performance stage, John Bricksburg and his 1951 Chevy die-cast car lost the brakes and smashed into the wall.
John was killed instantly.
Formula Floor Legends
Nigel Mansell, in between winning the 1992 F1 World Championship, won FFloor races that year in all sorts of machinery, mainly because he was the only driver I'd properly heard of at the time and he was my hero.
After Mansell faded, Damon Hill came to the fore, but both these drivers feats were eclipsed by the legendary Gianni Morbidelli who shattered all FFloor records and was unbeaten in competition from 1994 until the series' cancellation in 1997 because by that stage I was too busy going out getting pissed and watching porn and stuff.
Last Weekend's Floor GP World Championship
Here follows the report of the latest Formula Floor Neighborhood Championship from esteemed commentator and former racer Billy who has taken time out from his busy post racing schedule
Last Weekend was the bazzilionth Floor GP World Championship. It began at lunchtime and ended when Fred got angry and went home. Numerous famous manufacturers took part, including Ferrari, Tonka, Matchbox, Hot Wheels, that company that makes those model cars daddy likes and Lego.
|Lounge Room GP
|The race began with Fred driving the Firetruck, me driving the Ferrari, Bob driving the Lego car i made once and my stupid brother driving his dumb police car. Off the start I was in the lead, Fred second and my brother third and Bob last, because his car fell apart. Bob then promptly chucked the Lego car aside and commandeered his spare car, a model car my dad took a long time to build. Round the first corner I was still leading but now my brother was second because Fred had run into the wall and knocked the tower over.
I was still leading but my brother was catching up, Bob had lost his car under the couch and Fred was hiding the broken tower on Dad's Seat Mountain.
Then my dumb brother pushed my car out of the way and took the lead but i got him round the next corner and his car crashed, so I was the winner. But then he went to the governing body and claimed I "threw his car out the window" which obviously had not happened because it was he who moved over on ME, but I got penalized. Luckily we were all penalized when mom saw the tower that had fallen over was actually her favorite vase and banned us all from driving there ever again.
|Dirt Heap GP
|For this race I was still driving the Ferrari, Bob had the model car again, Fred had my dump truck and my brother had an old broken bulldozer. Unfortunately the race only lasted a few meters before my car and Bob's car got stuck in the mud. My brother's bulldozer also broke and fell down behind the pool. Fred won but I let him know that I let him win.
|Fred (really Me)
|The next race we all used the same cars, except my brother who went in to watch Transformers. Bob's car got buried in sand so it was just me and Fred. Fred was winning again but then I took a legitimate shortcut and was in the lead. Fred didn't like that, but he knows I won, even if he did throw my Ferrari in the pool.
|Mom's Bedroom GP
|After watching Transformers, it was a really good episode too Optimus Prime was really sticking it to the Megabots, we started the Mom's Bedroom GP on mom's bed. Bob had got his car out of the sand and I had got my Ferrari back, Fred was still using his dump truck and my brother had found another police car.
I took the early lead by a long way, Bob had too get all the sand out so he hid it under her pillow, Fred was close behind but my dumb brother dropped his car and knocked over the bedside cupboard and all this stuff came out. In the stuff we found some fuzzy handcuffs and a strange shaped baton, I didn't know my dad was a police man, so we played cops and robbers for a while until mom came and got really angry.
|No One (still Me)
- the most recent champion being ME, despite objections from Johnny, who claims that I "threw his firetruck over the fence" even though it was obvious he had taken MY Mustang.
- except Johnny's firetruck