Fernando Alonso
Fernando Torres Xabi Alonso Dìaz (born 29 July, 1981 in a cloud of his own vanity) is a Formula One driver He is the worst driver in F1, in terms of his idiotic mindset on fussing about little things. but after numerous cases of mistaken identity and several close encounters with the infamous pirate Hook, Peter Pan was forced to take legal action against Fernando in, what has now become known as the “Hey that bastard stole my name, and I’m now sick of it” court case of 2005. Since that cases outcome found in favour of Peter, the only now acceptable references to Fernando are; “Mr Sulky Pants” (a trademark in which he uses to promote his own range of male denim wear), “Eyebrows” and “Spanish Cry”. However these policies are reversed within the country of Spain, where in this case, all of the above references are outlawed and are punishable by immediate on site execution by Armada. When within the country of Spain the only acceptable references are; “The Almighty Fernando”, “The Chosen One”, “God” “Super God”, “The God of God” and “Mr Fantastic”. The latter of which however, after numerous cases of mistaken identity and several close encounters with the infamous Doctor Doom, Reed Richards of Fantastic Four fame was forced to take legal action against Fernando in what become known as the “FFS not again” court case of 2008.
Early Years[edit]
Fernando was born in a typical standardised Spanish hospital and as soon as the mist of his own vanity had cleared, he was laid down within the standard Spanish hospital issue half cut 55 gallon oil drum cot, tastefully upholstered with recycled newspapers.
Upon turning the age of 8 Fernando’s Life clock turned yellow and this signified that he was ready to commence work in the nation of Spain. His father Retardo Alonso was fisherman by trade, who specialised in sailing deep into British waters to catch (the Spanish word for steal) cod. Naturally Retardo insisted that Fernando took on a role within the family trade and employed Fernando as the main dockhand wheelbarrow pusher due to Retardo's worsening heart problems. While at this role Fernando accumulated a large portion of his racing knowledge via the maintenance and running of the wheelbarrow and this is also where he learned the importance of careful tyre strategies. In an interview for Spanish press Fernando’s father remarked that he was amazed by watching his young son’s speed at which he carried out his job of pushing the wheelbarrow and subsequently let Fernando leave to fulfil his ambition of competing in the Spanish Touring Barrow Championship (wheel barrows of course being the most state of the art vehicle produced within the country of Spain at that time).
Spanish Wheelbarrow Championship Years[edit]
Fernando went on to become the youngest Barrow champion the sport had ever seen by winning the 1993 Barrow Championship by a 20 point lead, and continued his winning streak in the following season. In the final race of 1994 Barrow Championship, Fernando, after qualifying poorly, started from 16th while his main title rival Pedro Della Rosa, who was on equal points in the championship was on pole., however upon the tenth lap of the race Fernando’s team mate Nelson Parsley suddenly and completely unplanned, accidentally on purpose turned into the direction of the hay bales and spilt the horse manure contents of his barrow along with its debris all over the track, creating a safety mule deployment. During this deployment all teams pitted for a tyre change costing them vital race time, however a completely unrelated and totally unplanned but rather convenient and very well thought out, totally unsuspicious early pit stop by Fernando meant that he was luckily able to pass the leaders during their stops and take over as race cheater, sorry race LEADER. Fernando's father Retardo was not able to see his son take the championship crown as sadly a wheelbarrow accident while unloading stolen British fish caused a Retardo to go into fatal cardio arrest.
Formula One[edit]
After the death of his father Alonso decided to junk his wheelbarrow and go to race in Formula One, the pinnacle for all egotistical racers. After driving for a couple of shit teams, Flabbio Briatore was quick to spot Alonso's potential to become as big as an asshole as Flabbio himself was. This resulted in a contract at Flabbio's team Renault. Alonso continued being shit as a driver as a Formula One car was very different from his wheelbarrow. That didn't stop him from claiming himself to be the best. However, he was facing difficulties scoring chicks because of his bushy eyebrows obscured his entire face.
Left without his 'star' driver Flabbio put a Spanish monkey disguised as Alonso in his car. The monkey immediately showed more talent than Alonso and won the title in both 2005 and 2006. This led everyone to believe Alonso was actually a good driver. But there was trouble at Renault. Earlier in the year the mass damper in their cars had been banned so Alonso's massive eyebrows would not be able to fit in the cockpit. So he left Renault and joined McLaren for 2007.
McLaren boss Ron Dennis was always a sucker for a big eyebrows. The deal with McLaren was signed but Dennis realized too late that McLaren did not have the car design to accommodate Alonso's huge ego and huger eyebrows in their car. So McLaren chief designer Mike Cocklan stole car designs from Ferrari and was able to successfully create a car to fit Alonso's eyebrows and ego. He started winning but then the FIA found out and things worsened at McLaren because Dennis preferred Hamilton's eyebrows over his. Alonso was surrounded again by a cloud of his own vanity and refused to believe he was being beaten by a black man, showing what a bigoted racist he was. After missing out on the title while at McLaren, he returned to Renault.
With Renault's '90 car bein so slow, Alonso almost achieved the near-impossible feat of Backwards Timetravel. He decided not to bother, however, since he technically wouldnt be in the present/future to get the resulting attention.
His utter lack of pace in the Renault prompted a change of name from Alonso to 'Alon-slow' but even then, on the 11th hour, he was able to draw from his wheelbarrow experience to win a race. In the Singapore Grand Prix, Alonso's team-mate Nelson Prick-K IV intentionally crashed into the barriers leading a safety car deployment. During this deployment all teams pitted for a tyre change costing them vital race time, however a completely unrelated and totally unplanned but rather convenient and very well thought out, totally unsuspicious early pit stop by Fernando meant that he was luckily able to pass the leaders during their stops and take over as race cheater, sorry race LEADER. This was remarkably similar to how he won the the Spanish wheelbarrow championship.
This time he was hired by the evil empire of Ferrari. Associating himself with such an organization meant Alonso was now able to declare himself as the Supreme Lord of the Universe. Renowned for his supposed development qualities, Ferrari thought they had snagged a winner. But after winning the first race of the year due to everyone being rather crappy or having too much Red Bull to drink, he once again showcased his talent of extreme mediocrity. His excuse for the bad results was that he was building a pure gold statue of himself in the Ferrari factory and could not be bothered to race. By the time the statue was completed, it was time for the German Grand Prix. There he discovered that he was so shit that his half-dead team-mate Massa, who was driving with a cracked head, was easily faster than him. Using his whiny schoolboy voice, he convinced the Ferrari bosses to tell Massa to give him the win. Finally Alonso was able to celebrate a manipulated victory that could rival his 2008 win in Singapore. Since then (and before then), it was proved that Alonso was much faster and better than Massa. While he is second in the championship (and most importantly, in front of crazy-crash-black hamilton), Massa will have to fight to mantain sixth place against such important cars like Kubica's Renault or Rosberg's Williams.
Most notable in the final race Fernando had to be reminded that Petrov in a Renault was not on Ferrari payrolls and that he had to pass him on his own which could not happen. After the race Stephano Domincalli was in a team meeting with the Italian Mafia and his big daddy Luca to eliminate Petrov after Fernando was found sobbing. To console Fernando, Ferrari presented him with their latest overpriced underpowered Italiya Forda Street Racer unicycle.