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Clocks will destroy us all.

A clock is a device from the future, sent back through time by Flavor Flav to speed up time. The design of the clocks seems simple; however, it uses holographic mutagen technology that will not get invented before the year 3084, and which basically fools your eyes. In reality, a clock is a humongous machinery which powers itself on human souls. Each clock covers around 200 million acres of land, and they are all connected through telepathy. Clocks melt at temperatures above 222 degrees Fahrenheit Celsius. Also, a clock is the device used by the owners of companies to imprison their employees during the "12 hour work day".

A clock is also an evil mind. Beware clocks might set themselves to twelve am like mine did (no joke). They are also an eye magnet to children during school, during political speeches, and by recipients of honorary degrees at graduation ceremonies.

Clocks can be seen everywhere, from libraries to bathrooms, in attempts to keep the public blissfully unaware of what's actually going on.


A typical clock.

The clocks are being future because people there can't wait for their cool time to start. In the beginning, they noticed that it would take 200.000 years for humanity to reach their spoiled rich-daddy age to take place, and they didn't want to wait that long. Clocks speed up time around 10 times. In reality, people live 1000 years, and George Bush was president for 80 years. But again, the people in the future wanted none of this for us, so they shortened our lives to make it better for themselves. There's not much we can do about it but to complain, or commit ritual suicide, or get rid of all the clocks in the world. The first option takes the least work.

Alternative theories[edit]

Old-fashioned clocks are for smart people only.

However, there is still a controversy over why they have sent the clocks back through time. One hypothesis is that the men from the future are suffering from global warming. So they have sent the clocks to speed up time. As the time ran faster because of the clocks, these clocks have also the function of a fan which produces a progressive cooling. This leads to fears about global cooling, which would be 8 times worse than a global warming!

A clock goes tick-tock, but a clock is not a clucking cock.

What clocks aren't[edit]

Above all, clocks are not toys. Messing around with one can cause serious bodily harm to yourself or to others. Think of a clock as a grenade that causes slow death. If you mess around with the switches without safety precautions your loved ones will have to pay for a funeral too early.

Clocks are electrical hazards that should be kept out of the reach of children. Ages 3+ (contains small parts). Also, do not try to eat a clock. Clocks also are not to be used in business. Keep in mind that clocks were sent back from the future to speed up time, and it is only their secondary function to show time. As such, if the clocks get depleted, it may display a random number, like 15:34 (everyone knows there are no more than 12 hours). In case of a digital clock, it may show a blinking 00:00. This will probably urge you to buy more batteries, but remember, this will only speed up your doom.

The T-1000 clock riding a T-1000 cock to appear more humorous to humans and thus catch them off, guard

Types of clocks[edit]

The digital clock is the most common model today. It uses 6 plutonium reactors to power itself and emits massive radiation. Digital clocks can only be destroyed by being thrown into hot lava.

The analog clock is the older model. They only use 4 plutonium reactors, and require daily human maintenance. As such, they emit mind-control signals to force their "owner" to rewind them in cyclic intervals. These signals become weak through time, and the owner may forget to rewind the clock, causing it to hibernate. The clock is never dead, and as soon as the owner comes nearby, it may need to be rewound again.

See also[edit]