HowTo:Choose your car insurance
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Choosing your car insurance can be a time-consuming, and expensive hassle, rivaling that of Golf or even Kitten Huffing. But Uncyclopedia can help you at this stressful time. Follow the instructions in the article, and we assure you that you will be happy with the results.
Determining if you need car insurance
Umm, yeah, you can be pretty sure that you need car insurance. Especially since the neighbor just hit your car while backing out of his driveway. You don't believe me? Look outside! See that paint scratch! You need insurance!
If you are the guy that just hit your neighbor's car while backing out of the driveway, first congratulate yourself for doing something that takes real skill to manage correctly. Acknowledging the fact that you have the mad skills required to hit a car that is all the way across the street, go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back. Go ahead, there's no shame in it. Now read the rest of the article to get your insurance before the neighbor you just hit sues you.
For everyone else, use the following criteria to determine whether or not you need car insurance.
- You have a car.
- You have hit a car.
- You think you can drive.
- You have money to spend on ridiculous amounts for car insurance.
- You are a teenager who is always late.
If you even needed to take this survey, you need car insurance.
Finding a Provider
This is the hardest step. With so many insurance providers, it can be hard to determine an appropriate provider for your car insurance needs.
The following providers are possible candidates.
Geico
“Sorry your mother died, but I have good news! I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!”
This car insurance promises to lower your insurance rate after talking to them for 15 minutes. This is a lie. That insidiously cute little gecko will lure you into their car insurance plan with its cute little bug-eyes and Australian accent, then grab you by the neck, hold you upside-down, and shake you for your lunch money. If you choose Geico, you must resist his cute little stare, or else he will lead you into an endless downward spiral of high insurance rates. You must remember: YOU own the gecko, not the other way around.
Allstate
“Are you in good hands?”
Allstate is the preferred provider of the paranoid schizophrenic, because it is a provider that always assumes the worst about life and all its fruits of labor. It also is the prime choice of emos and goths alike, because the commercials always talk about how life sucks and how you can be instantly killed to get money for your losses. But since your loss is generally your life, you won't be around long enough to enjoy your winnings.
Aflac
The CEO of Aflac is a duck. Do you really want to trust your car to a duck? Really? What if some hunter comes by, sees a duck in the main office, then shoots it, and suddenly, you don't have any insurance. What then? Then you have to go to Geico or something like that. Aflac is not reliable.
Nationwide
This provider is the most likely to lose your stuff while singing off-key by your side, as it's the only company that is nationwide (hence the name), and they still have not upgraded to computers. This means that they have literally millions of files of paperwork, and lose hundreds of papers around their offices every day. This is, by far, the least reliable of all the insurance companies, well, besides, of course, Microsoft.
Umbrella Corporation
They do EVERYTHING!!!! Zombies, military technology, viral weaponry, black market dealing, cosmetics, home products, and now, car insurance. Accepting a contract may entitle certain "strings" to be attached. End it immediately should you notice mutation, drowsiness, or a sudden desire for human flesh.
Vonage
This phone company recently started to sell car insurance, which means they give you a piece of paper labeled "car insurance", and then they send you on their way. They are the cheapest, only costing $0.99 for the first three months, but only because they only cover car accidents caused by cell phones. So they wouldn't make the best choice, but they're perfect for the car insurance enthusiast on a budget.
Microsoft
“ERROR: AN ERROR OCCURRED WHILE FILING YOUR PAPERWORK. PLEASE FILL OUT ALL 22 FORMS TO TRY AGAIN.”
A major error occurred in the Microsoft servers to make the computers think that they're a car insurance company. They decided to go with that to try and fool people that there was no error and this was all Bill Gates' idea.
This car insurance company is completely computerized. This company guarantees an error will occur every step of the registration process, and completely disregards any questions or comments that you e-mail them or fill out on the little paper slip. Face it. Bill Gates hates you.
Bob the Builder
He insures his own clay vehicles. He now has a contract with a sculpting agency and promises that all of your clay vehicles will be covered, no matter what kind of accident they get into. Vehicles made of Play-Doh are not insured, however.
Signing a contract
When a car insurance company gives you a contract, don't read any of the fine print. Just sign on the dotted line and accept whatever Terms of Service and License Agreements they have to give you. Do NOT, by any means, actually READ the actual contract. This is a very bad move, and may offend your insurance provider. Just be completely oblivious to whatever the people are trying to help you with.
When your car gets into an accident, do not be offended if they cannot cover your vehicle. You did sign the contract, after all, so you accept any and all disagreements that may happened. It was on the contract!
Sign it now. Right there. On the dotted line. That's it. Don't be afraid.
Filing a claim
Ha! Don't waste your time. Your car isn't that seriously damaged. Look at it! It's in perfect shape! Just a few scratches. And a few dents. And maybe even that crumpled up piece of metal over there. Oh, wait, that IS your car? Oh. We're still not going to cover you.
Filing a claim for any insurance company is as easy as 1-2-3!
1. Plead your sob story to the nearest provider.
2. Politely leave whenever the insurance provider turns down your claim.
3. Buy a new car/ Repair yours and watch as your insurance rates skyrocket immediately, even though we paid you absolutely nothing.
Leave Us Alone
To summarize, when approaching a car insurance provider, don't bother them with the details. Just sign the damn contract and get out. And never come back. You want to get covered? Don't get into a car wreck!
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Featured version: 17 August 2013 |
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