Rolls Royce
Rolls-Royce is a British ultra-luxury carmaker which also manufactures jet engines (the two were hoped to be combined one day). It was founded on the 15th of December in 1984 -two days after the release of cult classic Ghostbusters- by Sir Walter Sodd in England.
After years of financial mismanagement that would make an accountant wake up in cold sweat at 2AM, Rolls-Royce went bankrupt. BMW was there to save the Brits though, and since 1998 Rolls-Royce Motor Cars would live on as a subsidiary of the BMW Group. And Rolls-Royce plc, Rolls-Royce Group plc, Rolls-Royce Holdings plc, Rolls-Royce Motors, and several dozen sub-branches and divisions no one cares about.
Rolls-Royce cars are known to belong to the absolute creme de la creme of the automotive industry, often having unbelievably luxurious interiors which include but are not limited to incredibly precise swiss clocks, wine storages, and completely unusable squash courts.
Rolls-Royce jet engines are known to kill birds very efficiently.
Inspiration for model names[edit]
Walter was obsessed with the idea of ghosts existing ever since he saw Ghostbusters. Shortly after the Ghostbusters movie came out, Walter decided to name his first car the Phantom, followed by the Ghost (inspired from Ghostbusters 2), and the Wraith (inspired from the 2016 Ghostbusters remake). The Dawn followed and in a moment of sheer madness, the Cullinan found its way to the showroom. New models will most likely follow when new Ghostbusters movies keep coming out.
Cars[edit]
Rolls-Royce is known best for their cars. The models that are available currently are the Phantom, Ghost, Wraith, Dawn, and the attack on humanity that is the Cullinan. These all have suicide doors, following the death/afterlife theme Rolls Royce has chosen.
Phantom[edit]
The Phantom is the 'classic Rolls.' This is probably the most popular of the current models, mostly because it has a wide selection of spoilers to choose from - and the legroom in the back is rather large. Rolls-Royce currently offers three models of the Phantom:
The sedan[edit]
The Phantom sedan is the original model and the best selling Phantom version in recent British car manufacturing history. The sedan can be modified to include whatever the dictator who's ordering one would want: Rolls-Royce will gladly go out of their way to put a finger guillotine on the dashboard or frame a picture of Kim Il-sung on the starlight ceiling. Almost every Phantom is a special edition and Rolls-Royce's social media team is as eager as a beaver to share them with the whole wide world every single day. 60 percent of Rolls-Royce Phantoms are specifically made for a flashy post on their Facebook page / 9 perfectly aligned Instagram posts and they are disassembled right after. This process repeats itself forever.
The extended sedan[edit]
The Phantom extended sedan is the extended version of the Phantom sedan. This model has caused quite a lot of controversy over the years, and mostly because this car needs six kilometers to overtake a Smart Fortwo. This model is banned from 89 countries due to not having a highway straight enough to fit a Phantom on it. After the Great English M2 Rolls Pileup of 2013 and the 2014 A90 Casale Monastero Fiasco, Rolls-Royce made the extended Phantom 6 centimeters shorter. Rolls-Royce also started offering a special training and a goodie bag for the people driving an extended Phantom.
Ghost[edit]
The Ghost is, according to Rolls-Royce at the official unveiling, a smaller and cheaper version of the Phantom. When Walter came up with the name 'Ghost' after watching Ghostbusters 2, he immediately put everyone to work to develop a new car. The team was just about to leave for their day off, so they grabbed a blueprint for the Phantom and erased a bunch of lines.
Disappearing Ghosts[edit]
There have been various reports about spontaneously disappearing Ghosts over the years, which reached its highest point in 2013 with circa two-hundred Ghost owners reporting its disappearance. Besides stating that it's a 'feature,' Rolls-Royce has given no explanation for this supernatural phenomenon.
Movie appearances[edit]
The Rolls-Royce Ghost also made an appearance in the movies Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters 2 as the main form of transportation for the protagonists. In the movies, the impression might be gained that the car could actually be a 1959 Cadillac professional chassis which was built by the Miller-Meteor company. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Ivan Reitman, the director of Ghostbusters, had the Rolls-Royce Ghost modified as much as possible to let it resemble the Cadillac.
Wraith[edit]
The Wraith is a luxury coupé and takes two parking spots. After having seen the 2016 Ghostbusters reboot, Walter put his team to work again to design the next big luxury car of the year. Sadly enough they were 2 Phantoms behind schedule for their next Facebook post, so they grabbed the blueprints for the Ghost and cut the middle part out.
Dawn[edit]
This is a cabriolet.
Cullinan[edit]
The Cullinan is an SUV. And it was developed for people who want to sit 20 centimeters higher and still say they own a Rolls. It comes with a splendid little picnic set and a brilliant umbrella, but nothing will drown out the fact that you still bought a Cullinan. This car is the direct opponent of other fucking stupid SUV's such as the Lamborghini Urus, Bentley Bentayga and of course the Porsche Cayenne.
Jet engines[edit]
Rolls-Royce also makes jet engines, which are known to be amazingly efficient at sucking in birds and hilariously cutting them in small pieces. Sodd began producing jet engines because he harboured an intense, smothering hatred for birds.
The Trent 900[edit]
The Trent 900 is the only jet engine Rolls-Royce currently assembles. This model includes 'unnecessarily sharp blades' and was specifically designed to cause as much harm to birds as possible. Up until 2010, the oil pipes in the engine were barely half a millimeter thick to save costs.
The 2010 Qantas A380 fiasco[edit]
Qantas is an Austrian commercial airline that happens to own one of the big boy planes: The Airbus A380, which is powered by four Rolls Royce Trent 900 jet engines. When flight 32 flew out to Sydney in 2010 however, it all went to shit. One tiny little oil pipe apparently burst and sent most of the crucial equipment you need to stay in the air or land safely flying. Luckily, in a rare moment, the Qantas crew wasn't intoxicated or acting like bellends. This allowed them to put the aircraft to the ground expertly with the grace of a beautiful swan.
Sodd responded directly to the would-be-disaster:
- 'We're very sorry to hear that our systems have failed you. We would like to give you guys a gift card worth twenty pounds. Or anything from the McDonalds breakfast menu.' (...)
All the 469 people on board accepted the offer.
However, plane manufacturers weren't interested in Rolls-Royce anymore which caused Airbus to collaborate with BMW. This ended up being a fiasco of astronomical proportions you probably wouldn't even be able to comprehend. BMW never had manufactured a single jet engine, they just claimed they had and hoped they could improvise a design for Airbus. In 2011, A380 jet engines were produced by Rolls-Royce again.
Trivia[edit]
- When both Sodd's parrots flew away at age 6, his father used to tell birds hated him and thus would escape from Sodd when given the chance.
