Sir Michael Caine

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Sir Michael Fucking Caine
Michael caine1.jpeg
Sir Michael defeating an axe using only his death ray eyes
Date of birth: 12895 B.C.
Birth location: The A113, in a small caravan near the Garden of Eden
Date of death: Impossible
Height: Very
Notable role(s): Jaws the Revenge
Academy Awards: All of them

“My name is Michael Caine.”

~ Michael Caine on Michael Caine

“His name is Michael Caine.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Michael Caine

“Hang on lads, I've got a solid hard on!”

~ Michael Caine on Michael Caine

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

~ Michael Caine

Sir Michael Caine, CBE (born Maurice Joseph Micklewhite; 14 March 1933) is a bad English actor who plays a young cockney in most films. He is noted for his many accents ranging form west london cockney to north london cockney and very occasionally east london cockney, but never south. He was born in london in 1945 to a man and a woman. He began "acting" at an early age appearing in amateur dramatic performances of The Italian Job. He was picked up by an acting scout age 8 and landed his first film role in Scrooge.

Early Life[edit]

He was born Michael John Caine The Great in 1948 to Lucinda and John Caine, wot was great folks if every he knowed 'em. He remembered 'is fourth birfday, 'e did, an' 'ow it woz rainin' all through the streets of London town. Caine, bless his little soul, always 'ad a knack for gettin' up to mischief. Ol' Mr. Barnaby 'ardly set foot outside when little Michael woz runnin' up an' down, re-enacting battles wot was fought in Crimea. 'E wanted to be a brave little soldier, 'e did. But there was hard times, there was. When the Sailor Sam stories was all over the radio, an' Bengal Tigers was in the zoo, li'l Michael was taken away in the night by mighty strange tangerine salesmen. Dey never wanted to let the li'l blighter go, an' when they did, 'is parents was wringin' their 'ands like nuffin you'd ever a'seen.

Caine and Abel[edit]

Sir Michael (by this time already knighted) was furious with God's general lack of direction and poor time management skills and sent him an extremely angry letter saying his position was in doubt at the universe and if he didn't buck up his ideas he would have to pack up his stuff and find work in another universe. God was shocked and killed Sir Michael's brother Abel, this required Sir Michael to travel to Newcastle Upon Tyne to find God who was at that time attempting to hide as a 1970s-style gangster.

The Life and Times of Sir Michael[edit]

Since then Sir Michael has had many famous escapades that have if anything further enhanced his formidable reputation. As of course Britain is the favoured nation of all dieties, in particular Sir Michael, so he has often looked after the nations interests stealing Italian gold, promoting the Mini Cooper, defeating the Luftwaffe single handedly and fathering Austin Powers, though not common knowledge. There has been controversy however as he bested the entire Zulu Nation on his own despite there being 'thousands of em' leading to claims of genocide. This is simply not true as African's at this point were quite clearly classed as animals and Africa needed to be freed up for the use Gypsys who of course now roam the plains of South Africa, and we all know that. Occassionally Sir Michael finds the time in his hectic schedule to act in a movie although this is rare and it is more likely that the movie you are watching is based upon the life of Sir Michael(usually portrayed by Michael Fassbender) as he has done over 67.589% of things there are to do in the universe and therefore over 92% of films are based on him. Sir Michael recently led the Conservative Party of Britain to victory although now pulls the strings of power letting David Cameron play a minor role as Prime Minister. Currently Sir Michael lives in a small house in Surbiton keeping an eye on his many famous neighbours such as Al Pacino and Jack Nicholson, Not many people know that.

Rivalry with Sean Connery[edit]

Not many people know that Michael Caine has a bitter rivalry with Sean Connery as both were once friends. As legendary womanisers they have had sex with the majority of people who have ever lived when combined (although since Sir Michael is father of the human race this is a bit like incest). This buddy act fell apart however when a trip to Central Asia went tragically wrong. Sean Connery went mad with power after he was declared a king of the Taliban and copped a cheeky digit in Caine's then wife. Caine was forced to cut off Connery's head and throw him off a bridge in revenge however much like a hydra Connery's head regrew and he continued in an inferior acting style and accent to the great Sir Michael.

Beating the living shit out of Sean Connery

Sir Michael's Powers[edit]

Sir Michael's powers are legendary allowing him to accomplish feats many could only dream of. His super strength and martial skills honed over years of scrapping in East London mean he is one of the few people ever to best Ross Kemp in a fight. Although a mighty man on his own his special powers largely derive from his legendary glasses which mean women are powerless to resist him and he must wear them as often as possible, becuase if he were to remove them it releases an invisible death ray. Sir Michael's farts smell of love but tinged with the slight aroma of lost causes and regrets. His gooch secretes a special substance that if bottled and drunk gives a euphoric high that is usually too much for normal people to take causing catastrophic dilation of arteries and cranial explosion.

See also[edit]