Al Pacino
“In Soviet Russia, Al Pacino's little friend says hello to YOU!”
“When in doubt...fuck!”
“This is my rifle, this is my gun. This is for firing this is for fun.”
“I'm Tony Montana! You fuck with me, you fuckin' with the best!”
“HOO-AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”
“I love burritos, love them!”
Al Burgess Corleone Groarke aka Tony Montana or Al Pacino (born April 25 1940), is a crime lord and documentary subject from Italy and a close cousin of God. He is known by the alias of "Scarface" and is widely known for beating the crap out of Humphrey Bogart. He is the don of an international crime syndicate that includes other well-known mafiosi such as Robert de Niro, Martin Scorsese, Nicolas Cage and Joe Pesci, but not James Caan. Al is also an accomplished actor who has expressed a fondness for, Yelling, killing his brothers and trying to, in the crudest terms fuck his sister and watch afore-mentioned murder from his bathroom dressed as a Messiah.
Career[edit]
Beginnings[edit]
Al got his big break in the acting business after guerrilla documentary filmmaker Martin Scorsese filmed him and his family members during a troublesome period in their lives in the 1970s. Al made a particularly big impression on viewers when he was seen murderlizing 75 police officers in a restaurant as revenge for them throwing oranges at his father Marlon Brando, who can't act. The Godfather was an international success.
Rise to superstardom[edit]
Al then appeared in the sequel to this documentary, The Godfather Part II, which somehow examined his previous life, where he worked as a Robert de Niro look-a-like. This film was also highly acclaimed and was in no way over-rated. Al went on to appear in several more documentaries, which examined his rapidly-changing lifestyle. At various stages throughout the 1980s, 1990s and 2000s, Al worked as: a journalist, a film director, Johnny Depp's friend, a blind man, Carlito, Ben Affleck's father, a mediocre actor, an inspirational coach, George Clooney's father, Satan, an insomniac, a bad actor, a moneylending Jew in the 1700s and a cop on about 40 separate occasions.
Decline[edit]
Although the quality of both Al's acting and his films remained on a par with his best work (ahem), he nonetheless found the weight of the world so great that he began to steal food from other people's fridges and display them on his desk as though they were awards (conversely, there is a stack of acting accolades piled in his freezer). It is believed that the poor reviews for The Godfather Part III were devastating to Al, as he just wanted to move into legitimate business, despite Joe Pesci making it clear to him that it wasn't an option. It had become clear that Al's diminishing mental health was making him a risk to both his friends and Beverly d'Angelo. Consequently, in 2007 Al was housed in a retirement home, where he is happy and spends his time singing, shooting the breeze, pissing his bed and playing checkers with our other fallen icons, such as Eddie Murphy, Sean Connery, Paul McCartney and Margaret Thatcher. Al made one final move to restart his career by having his brother shot and watching his sister in the shower, simultaneously in an iconic scene. This scene is best known for Pacino's dramatic depiction of the direction of the penis when erect.
Pacino's Death[edit]
Al Pacino passed away during the filming of the Doggfather. Due to this unfortunate event, they were forced to make a giant ugly cyborg-model of Pacino equipped with super AI capabilities. The large stature of the cyborg made it very difficult to complete filming, and the staff grew tired of maintaining. With Francis Ford Coppola making the IT Department redundant in order to shrink the Budget, as well as eliminating any need to make small-talk with the geeks at the water-cooler, the Pacino-Bot went for weeks without proper care and maintenance, allowing his programming to go haywire. So the cyborg went into battle mode and killed everyone on the set.
“Get out my way, Motherfucker! Before I disassemble your ass! HA HA!”
This was a major setback in production. Soon, the US military arrived in an attempt to quell the giant ugly cyborg Pacino. They were unsuccessful and all died. So president Kennedy pleaded with giant ugly cyborg Pacino. But it was in vain. He judo chopped Kennedy in the balls and Kennedy doubled over like man getting hit in groin with football, only he actually got hit by the metallic arm of giant ugly cyborg Pacino which was assuredly far more painful than any football, unless it was a huge football made of metals and razors. Al Pacino is a roman catholic. And he is back alive.
“I told you I'd Be Back dickhead! Arnold Schwarzefucker ain't got shit on me! HOOO-AAAHHH!!!”
Legacy[edit]
Of all of the documentaries he's been in, Al is proudest of The Recruit; firstly because it stars notorious Irish madman Colin Farrell, and secondly because it shows his attempts to expand his syndicate to include more youthful members. After all, when James Gandolfini is your newest newbie, you really need to freshen up your Mafia!
In 1962, Pacino founded The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting, to train graduates, undergraduates, dropouts and stoners alike in the art of Tyranny at a loud volume.
Films[edit]
- My First Film (~3000 B.C.)
- Where Did You Learn Your Trade, You Stupid Bastard Twat, You Clownface (Comedy Originally Written By Shakespeare and modernised by Pacino) (Unknown year of release)
- The Panic In The Disco (1791)
- Tha Doggfather, part uno (1792)
- Tha Doggfather, part dos (1794)
- Dogg Nite Afterdusk (1795)
- ..............................................................................................................................................................and Injustice for All (1799)
- Cruising for a Fagkiller (1820)
- Dickless Tracy (1873)
- Sea of Cum (1889)
- Tha Doggfather, part tres (1900)
- Scent of a Woman's Pussy (1912)
- Scent Of A Womans Pussy 2: Where Did You Get That Scar? (1914)
- Carlito's Gay (1933)
- 2-Bitz (1955)
- Cold (1955)
- Any Given Hump Day (1979)
- Ins0mn1ac (1991)
- People I Blow (2002)
- Angels in Afrikaa (2004)
- 88 Hours (2007)
- 88 Minutes (2008)
- Not So Righteous Kill (2008)
- Hannah Montana: The Movie (As Tony Montana) (2009)
Upcoming Movies:
- Al Cappucino (2010)
- Al Kill U (2011)
- Big Gay Al (2012)
- Al Pissin Oh (2013)
- Al Be Back (Terminator Remake) (2075)
Due to the fact that the world's supply of money has been missing for a VERY long time, the film companies could only afford to pay Mr. Pacino money for these four, sorry five, films. Astronauts are currently flying to Mars to ask if we can borrow a bit of money.
| Year | Film | Salary |
|---|---|---|
| 1889 | Sea of Cum | A tissue and $500,000,000,000,000 (that was a lot of money in them days.) |
| 1912 | Scent of a Woman's Pussy | I can't remember. You'll have to ask Al. |
| 1933 | Carlito's Gay | English lessons |
| 1955 | Cold | The chance to touch Robert De Niro's world famous mole. |
| ???? | Where Did You Learn Your Trade, You Stupid Bastard Twat, You Clownface | Six-thouuuuuussssand dollars...and one cadillac! |
