Christian Bale

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Christian Bale showing off his incredible acting skills by pretending to be mentally stable.

Christian Charles Phillip Bale (born 30 January 1974) is a Welsh English actor, known by many for his volcanic temperament, ethnic confusion, and borderline personality disorder. In addition to starring roles in big-budget Hollywood movies, he has long been present in independent films, of which many require Bale to starve himself to Ethiopian proportions.

Bale first caught the public eye when he was cast in the starring role of Steven Spielberg's Empire of the Sun at the age of 13. Since then, he has portrayed an EXTREMELY wide range of characters and went on to win the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor. Bale is especially noted for his cultist following, with Entertainment Weekly hailing him as one of the "Top 8 Most Powerful Cultist Leaders of the Past Decade"; EW also later named Bale one of the "Most Insane People in Entertainment" in anticipation of him going postal.

Early life

Although Bale was born in Wales, his parents were South African-born entrepreneur, commercial pilot, and talent manager David Bale, and English circus clown performer Jenny James. This combination of a playboy father and an exotic, circus-freak mother would doom him into mental disease even before he was born.

After leaving Wales in 1976, Bale spent his childhood in several countries, including England, Portugal, and the United States of America. Christian was bullied in all of them for his accent, cruelly only managing to fully adopt a regional dialect just before moving to the next one, to be bullied again. This eventually developed into severe ethnic confusion for Bale, being unable to control his accent when under pressure.

Settling for four years in Bournemouth and Henley-on-Thames, Bale attended Shiplake C of E Primary School and Bournemouth School respectively, due to both of them being where mild-mannered (at the time) Bale was bullied the least. As a child, he trained in ballet, which also did not help the abuse. In his teenage years, Bale would discover Rugby Union. Considered a magnificent sport that allowed him to knock down a man twice his size without repercussions, Bale found an outlet for his pent-up aggression.

Bale's father was very supportive of his son's acting, resigning from his job as an unemployed playboy entrepreneur, to travel and manage Bale's burgeoning career. David Bale later married feminist icon Gloria Steinem, who would come to conflict with the younger Bale's misogynist attitude.


1986–98: Early work

"I ain't working with no fuckin' Jews on this film," explains a rabidly confused Bale to an apparent homeless person (later revealed to be famed director Steven Spielberg).

Before finding fame, Bale first starred in the made-for-television movie Anastasia in 1986. It was an early example of his extraordinary acting talent, as he was the only person on set who could say his character's name; Tsarevich Alexei Nikolaevich of Russia. This was followed by a leading role in the fantasy adventure Mio in Faraway Land, with Christopher Lee. Behind the scenes of Mio, there was an ongoing feud between Lee and Bale over who was the better actor, culminating in an assault by twelve-year-old Bale, which was quickly split up by the cast and crew.

For those among us who do not wish to die, the losers at Wikipedia have a much nicer article about Christian Bale.

In 1987, Amy Irving, Bale's co-star in Anastasia, introduced him to her husband Steven Spielberg, who found it difficult to believe his wife's outlandish stories about the young actor's aggressiveness, and had to meet him in person. Spielberg, renowned for his mystic ability of finding child stars, saw the promise that young Bale showed and immediately cast him in his film, The Empire of the Sun, under the agreement that Bale would not aggravate or attack any of his co-stars.[1]

After the premiere of the film, Bale verbally assaulted the music composer; John Williams, for mixing the music too loud during one of his monologues.[2] Despite his string of assaults, Bale's performance earned him widespread critical praise, and the "Best Performance by a Juvenile Actor" award from the National Board of Review of Motion Pictures. Bale at first misunderstood the meaning of "juvenile", and proceeded to assault the members of the Board until someone explained to him the meaning in context.

The attention the press gave him and the intense bullying he received from his classmates took a toll on Bale, and he considered giving up acting until Kenneth Branagh approached him and persuaded him to appear in Henry V in 1989. Under the false impression that Kenneth Branagh was actually Ewan McGregor, a long time man-crush of his, Bale accepted the part, only to later find out Branagh's real identity. Inevitably, this led to another assault.[3]

In 1990, Bale played the role of Jim Hawkins in Treasure Island, opposite Charlton Heston's Long John Silver. Upon meeting the young actor, Heston wanted to get any issues the two might face out of the way, and so squared up to the virulent Bale and said to him "Take your best shot!" Bale did, and upon hitting the actor's square jaw, broke 13 out of 27 bones in his right hand. Bale would not assault another actor for ten years.

1999–2001: Bateman's Big Break

Unwillingly replaced by DiCaprio, Bale engaged in highly aggressive renegotiations to recover his part.

In 1999, Bale played himself under the alias of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, a film adaptation of his controversial biography written by Bret Easton Ellis. Bale was briefly dropped from the project in favour of Leonardo DiCaprio, which led to him challenging DiCaprio to a serial-killer competition. The two were given assorted weapons and sent out onto the streets of New York, and aimed to kill as many people possible within five minutes without being arrested. Bale racked up at total of forty-seven kills, with an additional eighteen injured or in shock from his verbal abuse alone. DiCaprio, on the other hand, attempted to kill an old homeless bag lady for the whole five minutes with no success.

With Bale winning, the part was regained, and DiCaprio was forced by Bale to star in The Bitch. Unfortunately, Bale's accent had subconsciously transferred into French, and so DiCaprio thought he was supposed to star in The Beach. In 2000, Bale further channeled his psychopathic instincts by appearing as himself in John Singleton's remake of Shaft, developing his passion for violence further, as well as introducing him to Samuel L. Jackson.[4]

2002–04: Foray into filmic action

Sexual tension was highly palpable on the set of Reign of Fire, with crew members applauding Bale and McConaughey's on and off-screen chemistry.

Upon watching DragonHeart 2 and pondering how awful it was, Bale decided to star in the film, Reign of Fire, again as himself, which saw him hunting dragons, an endangered species at the time.[5] Reign of Fire also introduced Bale to his lifelong friend, Gerard Butler. For the time of filming, Bale served as an acting coach to Butler, introducing him to the acting method of "When in doubt, shout it out!"[6] During production, a fight broke out between Bale and Matthew McConaughey on set while the cameras were still rolling. The director was so lazy that he decided to use it as part of the plot, and dubbed the character's names over the trash talk between Bale and McConaughey.

In 2002, upon failing to kill another endangered species with a sniper rifle, Bale realised he needed firearm tuition. He went to famed firearm and martial art instructor Kurt Wimmer to be taught the mythical art of Gun Kata. Many of their practice sessions were filmed, so Wimmer, seeing a business opportunity, filled most of the scenes with CGI and released it as the dystopian action-thriller, Equilibrium. Bale is recorded as having the third most onscreen kills in a film ever with 118, exactly half of the movie's total of 236.[7]

After a year, Bale entered into a deep depression, reportedly from having to deal with the list of civil and criminal charges massed against him. He quit from acting and took a job as a machinist in a factory. Another opportunistic film-maker continued the trend set by past directors, placing secret cameras in Bale's workplace and watching Bale "be Bale" in a naturalistic setting. The director captured humiliating footage of Bale visiting a prostitute, calling an ambulance for his imaginary epileptic friend, harassing his co-workers, and losing his sanity. The film had great success, with many critics praising Bale's performance.[8] This exploitation only served to worsen Bale's depression, so in an attempt to kill himself, he ceased eating for 246 days. Miraculously, Bale did not die from this prolonged hunger, leading him to the delusion that he must be a superhero.

2005–12: "I'm Batman" phase

Bale talks frankly about being Batman.

To beef up for his new career, Bale ate one killer-whale a day, and did press-ups with his thumbs. Chuck Norris offered to be his personal trainer, but he declined, reasoning that "Chuck Norris is a fucking tired internet meme, who I want nothing to do with..." While seemingly a dimwitted statement by Bale, he was actually hoping this would anger Norris enough to fight him. As is predictable with any Chuck Norris related joke, he did not walk away, hospitalising Bale for four months.

However, Bale survived and walked out of the intensive care unit, with the beating only strengthening his belief that he was indestructible. After gaining fat up to Blob-level (450lbs) on his superhero-edition weight scales, he then proceeded to turn it into muscle, while also getting leaner at the same time. When Bale arrived at his optimum weight, he found that he was at Wolverine level, and so lobbied for the part. However, it was already taken by Hugh Jackman, considered by many Bale fans to be his arch-nemesis. The next closest on the superhero scales was Batman, who had been out of action for eight years since Batman and Robin, where George Clooney's characterisation was unfortunately overshadowed by Arnold Schwarzenegger's grand performance as Mr. Freeze.

With a superhero alias in mind, Bale sought funding to obtain his costume and gadgets. Doing door-to-door fund raising, he ended up on the doorstep of acclaimed director Christopher Nolan. Being a brooding, closeted psychopath himself, Nolan felt for Bale's plea, and offered to sponsor his vigilante activities, with the condition that he would be allowed to film it as a documentary chronicling the origins of this newer, less camp Batman and the re-emergence of Bale's acting career.

Bale set out on his new career as a vigilante, with Christopher Nolan documenting his journey. He began by asking legendary Jedi Master, Ra's al Ghul, to train him as a ninja. The Jedi accepted on the condition that Bale would smuggle a rare blue flower to him, for "recreational usage". Already versed in the martial arts discipline of Gun Kata, he took well to Ra's's regime of mixed martial artistry, and general ninja stuff. To finalise his training, Bale was asked to ceremoniously kill Boltok, the village rapist of the Ninja Temple Mountains. However, intense meditation helped Bale to momentarily realise the errors of his ways in the past, and he refused to kill Boltok. So instead, Bale fought his way out and escaped, exploding the temple and effectively killing one thousand ninjas and Boltok the rapist anyway.

Bale did have the courtesy to save Ra's. However, he left him unconscious with a group of Vietnamese hillbillies, who would enslave and sodomise Ra's for several months before he and Marcellus Wallace, who was previously vacationing there before being captured, broke out from their sexual slavery and destroyed the village and its inhabitants. Ra's would return to take revenge on Bale, by burning down his newly bought mansion and leaving him for dead. Bale survived, and chased him in his new costume, thanks to Christopher Nolan's generosity, and confronted him on a train. Ra's then admitted that his persona was a disguise, and revealed his true identity: Liam Neeson.

Bale has expressed interest in rescuing the role of Indiana Jones from Steven Spielberg.

The resulting documentary, titled Batman Begins, was a critical success and went on to gross $370,000,000. Following Begins, Bale returned to independent films. He was cast as an Afghanistan war veteran/wigga in 2006's Harsh Times. Originally written as a comedic role, Bale's explosive episodes on and off set made for more interesting viewing, and so the director incorporated this into the character by attributing it as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Despite his aggressive behaviour with the cast and crew, Bale reported that he enjoyed shooting the film/people, immersing himself in gangsta culture, and the lifestyle of Kevin Federline.

In 2006, Bale starred in The Prestige, next to Hugh Jackman. Bale took the part hoping to beat the shit out of the person who had stolen Wolverine from him. However, Christopher Nolan (directing again) had already anticipated Bale's hatred for Jackman and incorporated a clause into his contract, specifically prohibiting Bale from harming any of the cast and crew members. Clauses like this have become standard in his contracts since then.

Bale also starred in the 2007 homo-erotic Western remake 3:10 to Yuma, about a rancher and an outlaw who fall in love against insurmountable odds, and try to escape from the oppressive Puritan society of Arizona by taking a train to Yuma, San Francisco. The film was notable for Bale co-starring with fellow brawler Russell Crowe. Both stars' contracts contained prohibition clauses limiting any animosity or violence on set, forcing both actors to resort to simple cat-calls and wrestler-like trash talk during lunch hours. One standout scene in the film is a one shot take of both actors in a staring match lasting 10 minutes and 37 seconds. The director edited out the ending of the match, leaving it ambiguous as to who the winner was.

Christopher Nolan wanted to create a darker vision of Batman...

Christopher Nolan, realising the lucrativeness of putting Bale's animosity on camera, created a sequel to Batman Begins; 2008's The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger was cast as Bale's main adversary, the Joker. In preliminary shooting, Nolan found Ledger's initial characterisation of the Joker unimpressive, so Bale introduced Ledger to Method Acting, while Nolan recommended his psychiatrist, who specialised in supplying celebrities with prescription painkillers and muscle relaxants.

Almost immediately after taking the pills, there was a sudden shift in Ledger's personality, and was notorious on set for terrorising the cast and crew when he was in full makeup. Nolan let this slide, as this new, less rested Ledger created much better material on camera, and outshone Bale similar to the way Arnold Schwarzenegger overshadowed George Clooney in Batman and Robin. In reaction to this, Bale overcompensated by taking Batman's rough voice to the extreme, through experimental surgery and powersmoking two cigarettes a minute in-between takes. The onscreen rivalry between Batman and the Joker would develop further offscreen between Bale and Ledger. Any further complications with Ledger's involvement in The Dark Knight are detailed in the controversies section of this article.

Bale was set to play George W. Bush in Oliver Stone's 2008 film W. but dropped out due to the excessive drug-taking involved.[9]

Because two major film franchises weren't enough...

After becoming frustrated at The Sims crashing on his laptop for the fifth time that day, Bale placed a Jihad on Machines, and helped write and starred in 2009's Terminator Salvation. Bale again employed the "When in Doubt, Growl It Out" acting method, as he had done previously in The Dark Knight. This film marked Bale breaking his violence prohibition clause not only once, but twice. From the moment McG told him who would be playing the part of Marcus Wright opposite his John Connor, Bale knew that he would have yet another intense and irrational hatred of a fellow actor.

Bale disliked the fact that Sam Worthington, a relatively unknown actor, was receiving more screen-time, more money and more cheesy action-movie lines than he was. One day during a production break, Bale finally snapped and hid inside Sam Worthington's dressing room for several hours in wait. When Worthington finally went inside, Bale locked the door and repeatedly struck him on the back with a plank of wood.

Worthington was crippled in a wheelchair for months; most visibly seen in the film Avatar. Complex CGI was used to make it appear as though he was walking in any scenes that remained to be filmed. This unfortunately drained funds that were supposed to be used for Arnold Schwarzenegger's CGI appearance, resulting in a very laughable cameo. Terminator Salvation was received poorly by critics, many of them questioning why the director of the Charlie's Angels movies was allowed to take control. On the other hand, James Cameron's Avatar was heralded as one of the greatest movies of this century, partly in credit to the boldness of having a disabled person in a wheelchair play the lead protagonist.

Bale also starred opposite Johnny Depp in 2009's Public Enemies, where an FBI Agent falls in love with the very same criminal he is trying to catch.

In arguably one of his finest performances, Bale played an emaciated crackhead boxer alongside Mark Wahlberg in 2010's The Fighter. Going on to win the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor, Bale was lauded for his broad immersion in the role of Boston boxer, Dickie Ecklund. In actuality, the film was an afterthought by director David O. Russell, who merely wished to emulate a HBO documentary concerning the real life Ecklund's crack addiction. In another bizarre piece of metafilmography conjured from Bale's gaudy antics to become the greatest actor, David O. Russell filmed a docudrama chronicling Bale's crack addiction whilst channeling the character of Dickie Ecklund.

Filming was initially halted due to Mark Wahlberg stalling over salary issues, so Bale conducted a con where he would sell pirate copies of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch CDs to unsuspecting consumers and then rob them blind whilst acting as an arresting police officer himself. Unfortunately, Bale's status as a living legend in Lowell rendered his quality acting slightly easier to see through, and he was arrested for impersonating a police officer and evading the police. The police also broke Marky Mark's hand for making that godawful music in the first place.

Bale was warmly welcomed by the Lowell State Prison members, many of them venerating his cult status as Batman. Upon release, David O. Russell had edited a working film together with the footage he had captured and old boxing videos of the original Dicky Ecklund and Micky Ward, Mark Wahlberg's apparent character in this ironical farce. With enough exposure from both the Terminator Salvation incident, as well as the assault on his sister and mother, Academy voters finally recognised Bale's name, and awarded him the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Bale accepted gladly, giving a short speech before excusing himself to score some rock for when they film the DVD commentary. Bale was also privy to receiving a Golden Glove for the same award, giving another lengthy foul-mouthed monologue and being cut short just as he was about to address Robert De Niro. Whilst open to interpretation, it is assumable that he intended to tell him to "go fuck himself."

For 2011's Flowers of War, Bale was cursed by his wicked stepmother, the arch-feminist Gloria Steinem, after Bale drunkenly berated her during a party, accusing Steinem of being a cold unfeeling liquid metal robot sent from the future to abort him while still inside his mother's womb. The film was co-produced as a recruitment ad for the Chinese Army and as a legal settlement with Japanese history textbook publishers. Bale is a mortician who happens to be burying a Catholic priest in Nanking during the Japanese invasion. He's still an alcoholic but this time he's a happy drunk, who finds himself as the sole adult put in charge of a Catholic girls' school until a brothel shows up seeking shelter. At first Bale doesn't seem to particularly register the corpses in the street; however, like Batman, he warms up to being tasked with guardianship of orphans, and helps the hookers with hearts of gold escape a warzone. Needless to say, the film is a romantic comedy about starting an adopted family in the vein of Cheaper By the Dozen and Bale really hones his comedic chops, making for an excellent date movie.

Not to be outdone by Tom "Big Guy" Hardy's performance as masked villain Bane, to prepare for 2012's The Dark Knight Rises, Bale once again showed his dedication to method acting, drastically morphing his body as he had done shedding pounds for The Machinist this time by breaking his own spine, causing a delay in filming. You see, Bruce Wayne has been a reclusive rich nutjob like Howard Hughes; by this point, he realized he was no spring chicken and couldn't hold a rocket-propelled candle to Tony Stark, but Bale does now sport a robot cast for his broken leg that he uses to continue to kick people with his injured extremity. Everything is pretty low-key except an attempted robbery by Catwoman, until Bale remembers that Liam Neeson was the head of an entire army of unseen assassins that had been running things since the outbreak of bubonic plague, and Batman had only murdered at most a couple dozen ninjas, plus that one imprisoned thief he refused to kill then subsequently immolated when he blew up Neeson's house. Normally Batman is really good at tying up loose ends, like when he tackled Harvey Dent off a building and dropped him to his death, so he should have really done some detective work over the years following leads on his mysterious archenemies' extensive finances.

Pretty soon Gotham succumbs to Islamic/Tibetan/Ninja terrorism and Batman gets his back broken and left alive by an incompetent Bane in a third-world prison. Batman returns from his vacation to find Gotham lawless and quarantined by the military after the police were buried and replaced by the league of assassins holding the city hostage. Soon an incompetent army of criminals forgets how to make shanks as an army of starving police are released from a collapsed tunnel after a month and do battle. Batman realizes he was also acting pretty incompetent and should have installed a self-destruct device in case someone tried to steal his nuclear reactor/bomb. Batman then heroically hijacks the bomb and flies it over the ocean using the opportunity to fake his own death, yet like Elvis, many report continuing to see his ghostly visage.

2013–present: Do the Hustle

For 2013's Out of the Furnace, Bale played a steel worker from a Rust Belt swing state, who's just a regular Joe who pays off his brother's gambling debts. Bale accidentally kills a woman while drunk driving and is treated to a prison montage. Unfortunately, while he was away, his Iraq War veteran brother and friendly neighborhood underground fight manager Willem Dafoe end up getting whacked by Woody Harrelson. Bale then decides to go hunting the most dangerous game, man, and plays amateur detective with Harrelson as his prey, borrowing True Detective's drone cam for shots of southern scenery and the name "Rus" from Woody's costar Matthew McConaughey, as Bale brings his best Appalachian accent, proving once and for all that Christian Bale is the best detective. In the end, Sheriff Forest Whitaker feels bad for Bale and lets him off with a slap on the wrist and a ticket for hunting man out of season, as long as he promises not to become a murderous vigilante and pursue his only brother's killer again.

For American Hustle, released a mere week after Out of the Furnace so that audiences could get double their Bale fill, Bale played a fat balding con artist from Brooklyn in the '70s and was required to exhibit emotions other than screaming furiously, whispering authoritatively, and blankly staring at women until they sleep with him. Without fight scenes or as elaborate a set as an abandoned warehouse, it was up to Bale's impression of a '70s Jewish grifter to trick audiences into forking over admission price to be entertained. While Bale is an honest crook, he needs medicine for his light heart and regrets befriending a New Jersey mayor (played by Hawkeye from The Avengers) just to use him. Richie DiMaso, on the other hand, is a crooked Italian FBI agent trying to make a name for himself and willing to beat up his boss to get his sting operation to have the best production values, while forcing Bale and Adams into doing his dirty work. Between setting up a series of three meetings between mobsters and a fake sheikh in the hopes of leading Congressmen into a wired hotel to be entrapped for bribery, Bale repeatedly stabs the audience with a love triangle involving his manipulative wife Jennifer Lawrence and her son he's trying to do right by, and fellow con artist Amy Adams whose fake English accent is like a siren's song. Adams then goes in-between the intercoastal ribs and into the heart with her own love triangle, caught between an FBI agent who lives with his mom and cheats on his fiancee and the crook loyal to the wife that's using him. By the time you realize there was less plot development in this movie than a half-hour episode of Lupin the Third, you've already swallowed enough crime planning and romantic arguing that you're full-on filler, and don't have room for a second helping of cheesy crime movie cliches at the Italian restaurant.

In 2014's Exodus: God's and Kings, Bale was the schizophrenic barbarian terrorist Moses in Ridley Scott's atheist exodus. God coincidentally is about the age of Moses's son and he first sees him following a head injury during a rock slide. The ten plagues sweep Memphis with as much CGI disaster blockbuster spectacle as rains over New York every other week from a flood, UFO, meteor, or Godzilla; the disaster is even explained by an ancient Egyptian protoscientist. The movie is also a bit like Ender's Game, in that it omits the sideplots with his brother and sister. To prepare for the role, Bale learned the new moves of trembling with religious awe and to make his voice sound hoarse from years of war, he even circumcised himself and wandered the deserts of Egypt for months, working on his tan and pronunciation of both Hebrew and ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics.

There's more chariots tumbling out of control than a podrace, and the desert is like a painting of bloody armor being poked by birds and grass caught fire — you know, like the way battlefields normally look after the fact. Thousands of refugees walking the street, horses falling off mountains, and goats being engulfed by the sea are more inspiring than a single clone trooper and robot copy-pasted a million times. The digital cityscapes of Memphis filled with pyramids, palaces, giant statues, and the quarries of Pithom with slaves atop scaffolds look every bit as epic and ominous as Coruscant, but with more wood and stone and less plastic and metal. It even has a bromance where the two have the other's sword, though it does seem kind of weird that his brother Ramses thinks about killing him, yet Moses keeps breaking into the palace to personally deliver a message then walks off, missing a number of chances just to kill him. To be fair, Moses, unlike some chosen ones, actually has a bit of character development, going from loyal Egyptian general, to shamed adopted royal living in exile with his hot Jewish wife, to doubtful leader of his people, to cold-blooded, steely-eyed, first-born son killer, to king without a country leading a traveling nation. Eventually he ends up back at the waterfront, like poetry, and Moses escapes Pharaoh's army to focus on the refugee crisis after benefiting from another freak accident.

The action figures Mattel released as a movie tie-in were considered much more faithful to the source material than the film itself, and quickly outsold Bale's Batman merchandise. The toy makers really went all-out giving Moses a bunch of cool gadgets for kids to play with, like his transforming snake staff so you and a friend can fight through Pharaoh's magicians as Moses and his little brother Aaron. The Nehushthan is great for having fun outdoors, letting you treat your unbelieving friend's fiery snake bites as they repent for doubting the rabbi announcer in the commercial. The Ark of the Covenant and tabernacle play set even bakes tiny little manna cupcakes from the ancient of days (batteries sold separately), and comes complete with an extra set of stone tablets so you can carve your own diary!

For 2015's Knight of Cups, Bale found himself playing, of all things, an actor in California, traveling the fool's journey of the tarot, perpetually chasing skirts and staring at the ocean like he's Don Draper. Apparently Bale is part-Atlantean in this, because he can't go five minutes without swimming in a pool or walking on the beach lest he dies of dehydration, the curse of all Californian Mer-people spawned of Poseidon's lineage. The film was funded by the California Department of Transportation and the state tourism board as Bale aimlessly wanders the streets of LA, urban-exploring and dramatically standing silhouetted against the city skyline atop rooftops like Batman, whenever he isn't checking out the apartments of a flock of hot women or driving down the majestic California state highway system. In-between tripping his balls off at the aquarium and checking out statues and architecture in Vegas, Bale indulges in his travel-induced sore feet foot fetish with six models, actresses, and exotic dancers.

As an art film, Bale doesn't really talk to other actors as much as narrate a poetic monologue over the scene; in between haikus, the audience deciphers that Bale has an estranged brother and dad as well as a doctor ex-girlfriend, as well as a career walking down backlots in Hollywood and corporate skyscrapers, so his universe doesn't revolve completely around exploring and abandoning strange new women. After getting Natalie Portman pregnant with his abortion, Bale grows as a person and decides to go wander aimlessly along the desert with the lucky winner of the dating game, completing the hero's journey of getting laid with one rich hottie to getting laid with a different rich hottie, and pulling out every trick in the low-budget student filmmaker's well of artistic depth and cheapness.

In 2015's edutaining docucomedy, The Big Short, Bale headed one of three storylines as a metalhead hedge fund manager who discovers that the housing market is like a house built on an asset bubbling swamp of high-risk loans based on mortgage-backed securities, like the Irish potato famine everyone was invested in these. Telecommuting from his study, Bale completes the hero's journey of going from millionaire to billionaire by betting against the American economy and shorting the market, sparking the forest fire. It's like an insurance scam using credit default swaps when mortgage bundles fail instead of torching your own factory, it's as if all the main characters are like a scraggly crew of pirates robbing wealthier more crooked pirates; only the trickery is as legal as robbing foreign vessels at sea with a letter of marque. Bale truly excels as a socially isolated sociopath cashing a fat check. To prepare for the role, he removed one of his eyes, and like Odin gained knowledge of the inner workings of banking. The film's rap soundtrack and Spock-like use of oversimplified analogies to explain expert terminology makes it clear that just because it's white-collar crime doesn't mean banking fraud is any less gangster.

Still not pleased with his heroic labors, Gloria Steinem sent her stepson back to the dawn of the First World War to live as an American journalist in Turkey who witnesses the Armenian Genocide as preparation for 2016's The Promise. Bale once again shows the world his ability to be an angry drunk at parties and that he isn't in fact a terminator and does show humanity, teary-eyed over piles of dead Armenian civilians piled in the woods, and knowing mortal man's fear of gunshots and explosions. Bale is the third wheel on a romantic bicycle, as Oscar Isaac and Charlotte Le Bon handle most of the emotional heavy lifting with their face muscles, some actors just work better in masks.

Future projects

Writer/director Joe Carnahan confirmed that Bale would be involved in the movie Killing Pablo.[10] However, producer Bob Yari filed for bankruptcy in 2008, putting the project in development hell until further notice. Bale is also in the running to play legendary mass murderer, Solid Snake in the film adaptation of Metal Gear Solid.

Bale is also attempting to publish an independent film which chronicles the difficulties of his life as an actor, and his attempts to conquer his inner rage while he destroys all those he loves around him. The film was completed several months ago, and the few critics who were submitted for previews have called it the best film in decades. Unfortunately, its title, I Am Sick of Christian's Ways; A Final Solution has, for inexplicable reasons, been difficult in terms of advertising.


Assault on his mother

Is a caption really necessary?

On 22 July 2008, Bale attended a London police station by appointment and was arrested in connection with a drive-by shooting on his mother and sister, who called the authorities. Due to the British police force being completely inept, Bale was released without charge, as he cunningly convinced them with his acting skills that he did not have hands, and therefore could not have operated an AK-47 assault rifle. Bale then went home and took retribution upon his mother and sister for ratting him out. The police were again summoned, and Bale was arrested.

This time, Bale revealed to the London police constabulary that he was Batman, and that he needed to be free in order to prevent an attack by some kind of terrorist organisation on an important and well populated area. Despite Bale not specifying who the terrorists were or where they would to strike, the police were more than happy to oblige, not only releasing Bale from custody, but also granting him diplomatic immunity as a protector of the British Empire. Should Great Britain ever commence its long delayed war on America, Bale will lead Her Majesty's Militia.

Heath Ledger's mysterious death

Bale in his scouts uniform.

On 22 January 2008, Heath Ledger was found dead in a rented London apartment from an apparent accidental overdose on prescription painkillers, his favourite snack at the time. However, Police suspected foul play as Ledger had several bruises, and it appeared as though the pills had been taken forcibly. Also of note was that forensics found Bale's fingerprints on a discarded pill bottle, a small length of rope, and an empty syringe; all next to Ledger's body. Other sources also claimed that Bale and Ledger had a heated argument several days earlier about who would be more remembered after people had seen the film. Further sources indicate this argument developed into a fight, in which Bale incapacitated Ledger and then told security staff that he was just trying to "help him sleep".

Despite this seemingly incriminating evidence, the London police had learnt from their previous mistakes of accusing Bale and did not bother to follow up any investigation against him. Christopher Nolan's psychiatrist, however, is awaiting trial on charges of drug dealing and improper job conduct relating to several other patients.

Terminator Salvation incident

Bale was also unaware that the cameras were still rolling as well as audio equipment...

Shortly after attempting to murder his mother and sister, Bale had a psychotic episode on the set of Terminator Salvation. Shane Hurlbut, the autism-afflicted director of photography, had interrupted a scene 112 times to adjust the lighting. Bale, unable to tolerate his constant interruptions, took him aside and calmly tried to communicate with him, taking a more sensitive approach due to his mental condition. However, Hurlbut constantly interrupted him in conversation and unwisely admitted that he preferred George Clooney's interpretation of Batman over Bale's, and that he could not understand the point of making another Terminator film. This proved to be a step too far for the already mentally-tender Bale, as he went into an explosive meltdown, viciously threatening and belittling Hurlbut.[11]

Other cast members tried to calm him down, but Bale had entered deep psychosis. Seeing strange hallucinations, and hearing the voices of some of his characters in his head, Bale came under the impression that the cast and crew were Scientologists trying to abduct him to replace Tom Cruise as their new poster boy.

In defence, Bale brandished a twelve-gauge shotgun and, after listening to some brief advice from a hallucination of Bruce Wayne and then promptly telling him to "shut the fuck up", took Hurlbut hostage, warning everyone to stay back. Bale then programmed one of the prop-Terminators to act as his bodyguard-accomplice, and together they forced the cast and crew to evacuate the film studio and locked it down. Using the cameras, they presented their demands to public TV, requesting food, weaponry and defence-amulets to protect themselves from the thetan spirit of L. Ron Hubbard and his warrior-mages.

In an attempt to control the situation, the police sent in Bale's longtime friend Gerard Butler to negotiate and convince him to surrender. However, Bale instead convinced Butler to join him in his cause against the Scientologists, who they believed were sieging the Warner Brothers film studio. Bale and Butler, along with three hundred Terminators, waged a war against a million Scientologists who had gathered outside in protest at the slanderous remarks Bale had made about Scientology on live TV.

Breaking out of the film studio, they fought their way through Los Angeles to the Scientology Headquarters and annihilated the Thetan Army once and for all. Due to media sensationalism and the general public's overwhelming hatred for Scientology, the original reasons for war were forgotten, and Bale and Butler were celebrated for their brave defence of Los Angeles from the alien invaders. However, this would only prove to be a small victory, as to this day, Scientology has been working to repopulate the ranks of its armed militia, waiting to strike upon Earth once again.


Both Christianity and Baleism also, for some reason, took issue with the physical similarities between their central figures.

In 2003, during Bale's great depression at the growing list of civil and criminal charges against him, he sought solace in religion and subsequently joined the Catholic church. Sadly, Bale found the sermons uninspiring, the idea of an omnipotent super-being in control of the universe unbelievable, and was, quite frankly, uncomfortable with the many sexual advances he received from the church priest. After much deliberation and philosophical thought about the existence of God, one of the main characters from the storybook that Catholics worship, Bale came to realise that he was superior[12] to any number of deities that he compared himself to. Like L. Ron Hubbard and King James before him, it was only natural that he then declare himself a god.

“I sought help from a higher power to better myself, only to discover there was no higher power than me.”

~ Christian Bale on a thought that has gone through every megalomaniac's mind at least once in their lifetime

Parallel to the community of his fans growing in numbers over time, Bale's religion has also been steadily attracting worshippers since its inception. Unsure about what his new religion should actually believe besides the idea that he is a god in human form, Bale decided to base it around the wisdom and teachings of his own films.

Due to the contrasting and often violent nature of the characters in his films, the Baleistic belief system is shrouded in mystery, with even upper-hierarchy Balehead (the official term for a member) ministers admitting confusion about the true values of the religion. This has drawn considerable criticism from journalists and the Media, as well as Human Rights Watchdogs, who have observed Baleism's considerable track record of its members physically and verbally assaulting people who unfairly criticise or disparage its beliefs. Bale has simply put this down to general policy, stating:

“If Muslims can go round blowing shit up just because some kid drew a picture, then why can't I??”

~ Christian Bale on equal opportunism and generally just being a flat-out racist

Since the sect's struggle to become an officially-registered religious organisation, there has been a long standing conflict over domain name with the popular fantasy-folklore based church, Christianity. This dispute eventually came to an end after a lengthy legal process, when the Christian church played the "We Were Here First!" card. This ultimately won the argument in court, leaving the sect to settle for Baleism.

Bale would sometimes talk at length in his interviews with Martin Bashir.

In 2005, Martin Bashir conducted a series of interviews with Bale as part of a documentary on Baleism, attempting to capture their way of life. The revealing documentary uncovered many shocking insights into the cult, with much media discussion centred around a clip of Bale talking candidly about his feelings as the leader of the religion, only to be interrupted by someone walking in front of the camera. Bale then began threatening and menacing the individual, causing a fight to ensue. Many passers-by rushed to the defence of the person, who was cowering on the floor whilst being severely bludgeoned by Bale with one of his shoes. Baleheads nearby also came to the aid of their leader, developing into what was coined by The Daily Mail as the September Balehead Riots. Casualties were in the thousands... and that was just by Bale.

Personal life


Errr... what?

On 29 January 2000, Bale married his very own mail-order bride; Sandra "Sibi" Blazic (born 1970), a one-time model, make-up artist, and suicide-watch assistant to Winona Ryder. The couple have a daughter; Emmeline, who was born on 27 March 2005, and is taught street fighting every other afternoon by Christian. He also owns two German Shepherds, which are trained to attack minority groups on sight. Bale has three older-sisters, whom he beats on a regular basis:[13] Erin Bale, a musician; Sharon Bale, a computer professional; and Louise Bale, a theatre director and actress, who finds her career meaningless as she is continuously compared to her brother.

Philanthropy and charity work

Like his father, Bale actively supports environmentalist groups such as Greenpeace, the IRA, and the World Wildlife Fund.[14]

Many have speculated that Bale might possibly be a vegetarian when it was discovered that he has not eaten a McDonald's meal since 2001. In reality, Bale has a long term ban from any McDonald's franchise restaurant, after he mercilessly pulled a McDonald's worker out of a Drive-Thru window for getting his order wrong. Even though the claims of his affinity for animals have since been dispelled, Bale has still commented that he has very few issues with them, appreciating that they do not answer back to him, unlike human beings.

Bale also regularly goes out of his way to reduce his carbon footprint. For example, on days with heavy traffic congestion, rather than sit in a traffic jam for hours with his engine turned on, he instead takes the Batmobile to work, blasting through road barriers, trampling over cars that are in his way, and driving cross-country whenever he can.


Few have challenged Bale to a drag race and lived to tell the tale...

Bale has admitted, at the risk of being called a geek and/or a noob, that he is a video game fan, citing Tetris to be his favourite way to cool down after an abusive episode. He can be found regularly playing World of Warcraft, under the username "Balezout", with his own specially commissioned character class; a "Dark Knight" that is proficient in close-quarters-combat and has the Intimidating Shouts talent, which wards off lower-level enemies as well as inflicting minor damage on any other players nearby.

In an interview for Public Enemies, Bale offhandedly commented that he enjoys the Metal Gear Solid series, having great respect for Solid Snake's mullet and stubble, even going so far as to try to replicate it in films such as Reign of Fire and Rescue Dawn. The reporter further asked if he enjoyed any Final Fantasy games, to which Bale replied that it was for nerds, and that he should mind his own fucking business.

Despite his affinity for video games, Bale has declined giving his voice and likeness to any tie-in games for his movies, as he has not yet fully recovered Christian Bale killed Heath Ledger[15]from the shock of playing the Batman Begins video game.

See also


  1. However, Bale would go back on this agreement, attacking not only John Malkovich, Miranda Richardson and Ben Stiller, but even the director, Spielberg himself.
  2. A performance Russell Crowe would later replicate at his Academy Award acceptance speech.
  3. However, his dream eventually came true in the film Velvet Goldmine, where Christian not only got to appear next to Ewan McGregor, but got to make out with him as well.
  4. And subsequently his love of racism.
  5. Now, thanks to Bale, they are completely extinct.
  6. Butler would later demonstrate this method in the Academy Award winning, historical-epic, 300.
  7. However, in the two films that beat it, the kills were not real unlike Bale's.
  8. Despite the fact he was not acting.
  9. Bale's doctor also recommended he pass on the role, as the IQ drop necessary for remaining in character could have been irreversible.
  10. This is not a joke.
  11. Breaking the world record for "Most Profanities in a Workplace Discussion".
  12. At least in his own mind.
  13. In self-defence, of course.
  14. Not to be confused with the World Wrestling Federation, which he also avidly supports.
  15. Subliminal messaging! The truth will out.

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