Dragons are an endangered and unique species of aborted bastard babies from an orgy of eagles, leopards, and snakes. You can always tell an iguana from a dragon by fire-spitting behaviors exhibited by most dragons, their immense size or their magical ability to fly with wings. Most regular reptiles can't.
Dragons come in many different shapes, sizes and genders. They can tell us a lot about Humanity. Some people are "Dragons." It's that simple. When a person reaches the ultimate level of beastliness they simply become a dragon. Dragons are so powerful that a mere look at them through anything but a camera will cause instantaneous blindness to you and everyone you hold dear. Many dragons refuse to come out of their caves, except for takeout or to return their library books...and of course kick ass.
What are Dragons???
Dragons are, obviously, one of the most amazing creatures anyone can ever come across. Meant to be extraordinarily wise and intelligent, as well as undeniably strong and sometimes ferocious, dragons have been hounded for centuries by human kind, who killed most of their kind for a) their gold, b) their blood, meant to have magical properties, c) their gold, d) for the hell of it or e) their gold. Dragons are known to have very large amounts of gold, which they have collected over the endless centuries that fill up their lives. Many used to believe that dragons were immortal. However, being the heartless sadists that the human race are, there aren't any of a really old age to tell us, and the ones that there are would prefer to eat us for revenge and self-defence (as well as food; it's hard for a gigantic dragon to hide itself effectively while on a hunt, therefore has to put hunting off for as long as possible. Dragons get horny at blood, JUST LIKE BERNII!!).
If the reader still doesn't know what a dragon is, he might benefit by getting his ass off your couch and go anywhere with a geek who plays Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy XI, or another RPG/Fantasy game.
Like all reptiles, dragons are ill-tempered and often kill people. This killing may occur for no apparent reasons, although it has usually been attributed to their gold being stolen. Female dragons (Single Dragoness) are also known to kill people when their "time of the month" arrives, or to protect their little dragonets. Therefore, when coming across a dragon, first look between its legs to determine its sex. The first dragon was created by William Shakespeare, who named it Puff.
Dragon Types (Collect Them All!)
The Red dragon likes sports, particularly rugby and often has a subscription to a cable network to keep track of its favorite teams. Red dragons like to make bets and gamble and can often find themselves in hock to unsavoury characters after making bets that they cannot cover. Rumours indicate that it was a Red dragon who ate Jimmy Hoffa after becoming indebted to a powerful mafioso. The Red dragon's breath-weapon causes acute embarrassment. Victims are often deluded into thinking they are stark naked in front of their colleagues and associates. They are also huge fans of Hannibal Lecter. Most Red dragons have severe OCD and can be found placing all their money in value order in their dragony wallets. They are also known as my mother. Red dragons have waaaay too much treasure.
Green dragons have a great affection for gardening and can often be found puttering around in the garden on a weekend with only the occasional cow as a snack. The Green dragon's breath-weapon causes intense jealousy, so much, in fact, that it causes the victim to settle into a state of self-pitying hatred as they look to their own life in disdain and wonder why they couldn't have had the big house in Malibu, and why they couldn't drive a nice car, and why they are forced to work non-stop for the man while everyone else enjoys themselves with their fancy $300 wine and yacht clubs, and he has five kids that are all frikkin' assholes and a wife that won't stop nagging him and he can't take it anymore and just has to kill himself END IT! because his life is so worthless!. Green dragons are also very picky about grammar and absolutely hate run-on sentences.
The Blue dragon enjoys listening to emo and prefers to live in dark caves with a solitary blue lightbulb. Their breath-weapon causes intense despondency and often causes victims to hang out in seedy bars discussing the relative merits of Charlie Parker and Satchmo, and exchanging bad poetry. Distant relative of Eeyore, Blue dragons should not be confused with their larger cousins the dragon fly.
Gold dragons are very parental and like to remind everyone how "It used to be all fields round here". Golds are fond of small knick-knacks and bric-a-brac and often find themselves watching Antiques Roadshow to pass the time and assess their wealth. A Gold dragon's breath-weapon is terrible to behold as it reminds its listener that it really ought to get in touch with mom again and that you didn't thank aunt Vera for the book tokens you got last Christmas.
Silver dragons are like those neighbors across the street that you don't really like but are always inviting you over and saying "Howdy neighbor!" and "noodly doo" while watering their perfectly-cut lawn whenever you step out into your frontyard littered with dead grass and old peanut butter cup wrappers (Ned Flanders is a known Silver Dragon Man). There are alike in that they both secretly hold Satanic rituals and Roman-style orgies in their den whenever the schedule doesn't call for a modestly arrogant invitation of unworthy neighbors to barbecues that everyone enjoys except that one guy who only came because his wife forced him to, but in secret, he really hates them. Silver dragons also like watching the Food Network for tips on cooking that they think they'll use, but really never will. The silver dragon's breath weapon causes great annoyance. Recent evidence has also proven that silver dragons are fatal to werewolves. Although were-rabbits are known to kill the silver dragon for bad looking metallic clothes.
Black dragons are even more emo than Blue dragons. They love to keep away from society except for their regular Emo Concerts, when they just yell and screech the whole bloody time. Despite this, most Black dragons have a fondness for Abba and the Beatles, though not many people actually know that. Homosexual Black dragons can become Grand dragons but they've gotta really want to. One famous Black dragon is Toothless. They are liable to suffer from manic depression, insomnia and schizophrenia, but they don't care because they are fuckin' party animals past 1am.
Yellow dragons often attempt to pass themselves off as Gold dragons, but no one is fooled; of course no one wants to mention it because it would be rude, not to mention awkward and potentially dangerous if ever the yellow dragon decides to employ his breath-weapon on his fellow dragons out of rage. Often this rage is simply as a result of a tender need to be loved, but mostly its just utter and complete destruction. For the yellow dragon's breath has the power to not only to destroy and burninate but to cause extreme cowardice,and a complete lack of interest in everything from tending to a garden to making sweet dragon-love.
Usually a White dragon will find its home in cold climates so that it can be as far away from its natural enemy, the Emu, as is dragonly possible. White dragons and Emus have been at war for millennia and only the oldest of the species can recall the reason for the enmity. A long-lived and accurate stereotype of White dragons is that they cannot jump, and this is true, for if ever a White dragon is challenged to a jumping contest, they will immediately kill the other contender in an attempt to hide their shortcomings. White dragons are also known to have quite an addiction to sugar, causing them to stay up late, go hyperactive, and generally go completely random and Bat Fuck Insane, thereby writing the majority of the articles on Uncyclopedia. For the same reason, their breath-weapon has the ability to neutralize the effects of Ritalin and cause the victim to go Bat Fuck Insane as well. The white dragon is usually seen as the trade mark of you-gay-oh cards. Their names, when written in white, perfectly blend with cool white backgrounds of encyclopedias, because they're stealth as fuck.
Invisible to the human eye, these tiny dragons like to play pranks, such as putting your keys and other small, irreplaceable items in obscure places. Cats can often be found conversing with them in the silent language of the angels, swapping recipes, discussing literature, and generally talking about things which other dragons would simply find boring, leading ultraviolet dragons to be shunned from mainstream dragon society. Ever gotten an itch for no apparent reason? well thats the ultraviolet dragon's breath weapon. They're susceptible to heat, which is why exterminators employ infrared dragons to cure ultraviolet dragon infestations. This has led to the belief that infrared and ultraviolet dragons are natural enemies, which has no foundation in reality.
Chinese dragons have no legs and no wings, this means that whilst flying they look like majestic worms of the sky, much like Lindsay Lohan looks like a majestic worm of the ground until she quickly unhinges her jaw to swallow scores of unsuspecting guests to her movie premieres while they slowly digest in her four-chambered stomach. When on the ground, Chinese dragons deploy twenty-four legs for balance that unhinge from one of its six phannie packs strapped to the underside of its body. Chinese dragons like drum and bass, fish, dancing, and long walks by the beach. Chinese dragons do not have a breath-weapon but generally have really nice eyelashes which they flutter whilst dancing, stealing the female dragons away from their boyfriends who refuse to dance because they "have a reputation to keep', which would inevitably be destroyed once the Chinese dragon kicks his ass upon being challenged for the female dragon's affection.
These racist dragons want to restart the Confederacy and slavery. They run the Ku Klux Klan, trying to recruit stupid people. Grand Dragons wear hoods over their heads to hide the fact that they are indeed black and gay. Grand Dragons breath fire on to crosses, cursing the God Obama for creating them with small dicks.
It is advised by the God Obama to drown these pests immediately with haste.
Very odd type of dragon that exists only inside cyberspace, the Virtual Dragons allied with the Cyber Ninjas to defeat their parents, who established their bedtime (7:35). They usually look a bit like short Chinese dragons with permanently deployed legs, though they retain their unique pale skin, a direct cause of sitting by the computer all day gazing at page after page of mind-numbing websites while getting absolutely no sun and no life. Their breath weapon manifests as floating bits of phlegmatic-looking binary which causes targets to become infected with spam, pop-ups, and penis-enhancing advertisements. you can keep them as pets if you have a large enough hard-drive, and sic them on the computers of people you don't like.
Unlike most dragons, the Platinum dragon is considered the royalty of dragon-kind. It has scales made of pure Platinum so it can't fly but it is respected among all dragons. Only one is ever alive at one time. Whichever one is alive at the time is considered the King or Queen of dragons.
Time Dragons are dragons that have absolute control over time and space. They can choose to take over the world if they want to. Fortunately, they are pretty kind creatures and prefer to stay at home and piss people off on the internet rather than the whole taking-over-the-world thing. They can hack really well in games (they always win, even against Koreans and n00bs combined!) by turning back time whenever they make a mistake or if they instinctively lose. Also they're controlling our world, although most of us don't know it. When ever someone finds out that a person dies, the person is instantly turned into a immortal otherwise. They also tell them the meaning of life when ever meeting a Time Dragon.
“Ahhh... being pink was sooooo much fun... good times... good times...”
Pink dragons are super-fun, super-sassy, and super-fabulous! All pink Dragons are males, which is a problem because same-sex marriage is still illegal in the Dragon Kingdom, and few Pink dragons wish to settle for those other savages, despite the utter sexiness of the female Green dragon. But of course, Pink dragons are people too. For example,
they must be allowed to follow their hearts...no...NO NO!!! For God's sake, don't even use that example! That was cornier than Oprah's toilet after the 4th of July!
The Chromatic dragons were created when MC Nefarian, an African American dragon and rap star/part time mad scientist who wants to take over the world, spliced the genes of the African American, Red, Blue, Green, and Gold dragons together. They were created to refill the ranks of Nefarians rapidly shrinking posse, so he could both defeat rival rap star/part time mad scientist who wants to take over the world Ragnawroz, and take over the world. Their existence has, for the longest time, been kept secret by Nefarian's agent/co-conspirator Rend "Warchief" Blackhand. However, starting in 2004, people started finding out about the existence of the Chromatic dragons. Usually, said people find out about the Chromatic dragons while in groups of 10.
Gray dragons are really really boring. They like watching Antiques Roadshow and talk non-stop about boring things like quantum physics, golf and ancient Swiss history in a maddening monotone voice. They often find professions in being professors (or golfers) in these fields. Their breath weapon causes extreme suicidal boredom so great it has made the toughest men cry like little girls with pigtails.
Fire dragons live in oceans and breath ice. what did you expect? The Sun is a big fat fire dragon. They are called fire dragons because they live at the bottom of the ocean, hoping da hoomins won't discover they're 3000°C body temperature. Fire dragons are often called black smokers, but generally will never see a cigarette in their lifetime.
Water Dragons are made of water and are, therefore, hard to kill, because any weapon just goes through them. They also live in water. Water Dragons often keep pet water animals in themselves. They love drinking water and their favorite sport is water polo. Their breath weapon is water that makes you into water. Water.
Pink and blue dragon
Pink and blue dragons are hermaphrodites. their breath weapon makes you change your sex. They used this on Michael Jackson and Lady Gaga, but the process was however interrupted part of the way through. This is quite apparent, not to mention terrifying. Should you cross the path of one of these dragons and perchance piss it off....run dammit, run.
These dragons are only visible on an infrared camera. They like to go to parties with Ultraviolet dragons, and will often end up getting drunk and breeding with them, which can result in large numbers of little baby hybrid dragons, dubbed Allyrjens. Their breath weapon will make the victim wish immediately for beer and sex, which in high doses can produce people like Bill Clinton.
Very rare but very dangerous, these dragons have been known to masquerade as lovable television dinosaurs in a ploy to molest children. They sing annoying-ass songs that can put you into their trance, when they will then pretend to dance around with you for a while, and once you are backstage, they will sprout their hidden wings and fly you to their cavern, where he will molest and kill you. They are extremely dangerous, and account for 206% of all deaths in British-Columbia and 57% in America. The rest are from being Rick Rolled. Oh yeah, and Spyro.
Rainbow Dragons are fused color dragons combined into one. As they fuse they will chant, "With your powers combined, I am Captain-" Wait... this sounds so familiar. Aaaanyways, after they are fused the light radius is so bright it can actually melt the human's eyes out. Even with sunglasses, you will still melt your eyes out. Rainbow Dragons have the powers to make the whole entire universe gay. Unicorns, furries, and 4chan members will come out of portals and dominate the history of man-kind. Rainbow dragons are so colorful, you can't resist having sex with it.
Blood Dragons are by far the most brutal and useless dragons in the land. With only 3 ever existing, they're prone to attracting bears, deer, elk, and Adam Sandler fans to their area of earshot. Once the prey is in sight, the Blood Dragon swoops out of its hiding place and dick swings the victim. Blood Dragons are mainly named for their extreme blood orgies. As of May, 1999, only 1 Blood Dragon remained in the entire species, named ASDFMark Garfenberry. He is currently undercover, but rumors are heard that he is disguising as a Clay Aiken lookalike in Northern Skyrim in the Dragon Mafia. Blood dragons were responsible for 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, WW1, WW2, the Falklands War, Mount St Helens, the Battle of the Somme and just about every war or natural disaster there has ever been. There just has to be a freaking Blood dragon messing it all up.
Dragons in the real world are different than the Dragons mentioned above. Mostly in how real Dragons are not the spawn of Bruce Lee, but rather David Carradine. Real Dragons also do not have a specific preference for virgins or princesses, but will instead choose to dine on anything that is made of meat. Although occasionally one can glimpse the rare Vegetarian Dragon pushing a rusted shopping cart around every Chicago farmers' market and demanding the "selective choice" of the Quinoa and other unpronounceable plant things. A typical Real Dragon's day begins by putting a Yes record on its special turntable from 1974, and by the end of the day the Dragon will have successfully finished three songs. Real Dragons also dislike being called "beast", "monster" or even "dragon", becoming angry that you didn't say it's actual name, which it never told you to begin with. REal Dragons also dislike bringing up it's sex life, which may result in you becoming the next part of it. The easiest way to avoid becoming a Real Dragon's real dinner it to begin a conversation about United States politics, which should give you a good 72-year head start on running out of it's lair, assuming that you don't accidentally bring up black people or the jewish, which will cut your time by about 65 years. Real Dragons also enjoy tea parties, naps, charred lamb, daily gold showers, any movie with Cary Grant, visiting their Swedish Bank Accounts for no apparent reason, complaining about Donald Trump, accidentally setting visitors on fire, and the color blue.
Habitat and Prey
Dragons prefer to live in caves due to the low overheads. Quite why dragons prefer to bump their skulls on these low overheads is a mystery. Most dragons like mountains and prefer to make their homes here, although house-hunting can be quite difficult as they have very high standards. Most dragons prefer to settle on mountains that have scary names - amongst the more popular dragon residences are places such as The Mountain Of Eternal Fear, The Mountain Of Excruciating Pain, The Mountain Of Ashlee Simpson or Not a 25th Level Fighter/Mage? Fuck Off Then Mountain.
Dragons don't kill you because they are hungry, they do it because it is fun. It's just one of these things. Dragons are the only creatures that kill for no reason. Well, apart from rabbits, birds, cows, worms and so on.
Dragons dislike Mormons and MLG gamers more than anything else but have a great deal of respect for hardy adventurers. Nothing gives a dragon more pleasure than giving away some of its treasure to anyone willing to tramp up the mountain (besides raping the shit out of MLG gamers on XBox Live and laughing at their inferiority to their dragon sniping skillz). Problems can arise due to the exceptionally poor eyesight of dragons and many is the tale of the adventurer who trudges to the top of the mountain to get a share of dragon goodwill only to be mistaken for a representative of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Dragons always feel really bad about chewing up adventurers and would take their rage out on the LDS Church but who can be bothered to fly to Utah? So they just get on Halo 3 and pwn the sorry asses of all the MLG gamers.
Dragons consume up to 20 tons of food everyday. They eat things such as cows, sheep, babies, cute little bunnies, and cigarette butts; although, they prefer eating pizza, Moo shu pork, cows and virgins but really, really dislike haute cuisine as dragons have great difficulty with cutlery.In extreme situations, Dragons may resort to devouring their own treasure if necessary. A traditional and favourite dragon food is the princess. These are kidnapped and later swallowed, after the stupid knight fails pathetically in his attempt to save them. With the decline in princesses after 2005, dragons have begun to enjoy babes, chicks, hot chicks, Asian Chicks, My Little Ponies and schoolgirls. Many of these also fall under the category of porn star (See below). A significantly smaller amount fall under the category of virgin (Also See Below).
Very few dragons choose to live in the United States of America but because of this they suffer from local illnesses and diseases. Many American dragons suffer from depression, arthritis, and ADD. But among all these diseases dragons suffer mainly from anorexia, bulemia, and obesity. This is mainly because of the change in prey that the experience. Pizza is abundant, but cows in america supposedly have mad cow disease and are deemed inedible, and almost no one is a virgin in the USA. The new dragon prey is then a large Big Mac with fries and a Diet Coke. But nothing can come close to their favorite meal, the virgin. However in America the dragons find a new type of delicacy, the porn star. It's quite the opposite of a virgin but it has the same "zing" that dragons look for.
Enter the Dragon
The first erotic movie starring a dragon, Enter The Dragon was discovered, along with several etchings (see image) in the cave of a dragon in 1898. It was surrounded by several tons of encrusted dragon-size tissue. Spectral analysis of the tissue's contents have been inconclusive, but whichever way you look at it, that's a lot of tissue.
Why do Dragons live in caves with treasure?
One mystery about Dragons that has been hard to solve was why some sort of treasure was found in most Dragon's Lairs (caves). The treasure itself would vary from gold, silver, rubies, diamonds, DDs, 8-balls, $.99 double cheese burgers, and sporks. The only explanation we have that makes any sort of sense was given to us by a man who went by Nokard Sore.
His findings while working as a Dragon Ninja (he wasn't, in fact, a ninja but preferred the name as it was a much better title than the given "voyeur of private parts", as Dragon Lairs (caves) were considered an invasion of privacy.) *ahem* were quite intriguing to Dragonosophers.He reported that the treasures found in the caves depended on the Dragon's diet....(meaning Dragons shit treasure). This trait was an odd enough find but when he furthered his studies, he noticed that Dragons would only leave their caves (lairs) to eat or breed (females). Their behavioral traits pointed out that most Dragons suffer from social anxiety disorder (hence the awkward burning of all humanity, and most other species, except cockroaches) and probably urophobia as well.
Kimono dragons refuse to accept that the 1970s ended and continue to live in oriental styled houses and pretend that they know how to kill mocking birds in a drunken stae of corruption with a hint of karate. Most of them lounge around wearing silk kimonos (hence the name) and smoke cigarettes and attempt to lure unsuspecting rollerskaters into their bachelor dragon lairs for some extremely dangerous sex.
There is some suspicion that Hugh Hefner is in fact a Kimono dragon, skin cell tests certainly show a reptilian element to his DNA but this is currently being disputed by Hefner's legal team. Kimono dragons are not great long-term partners, their poisonous bite and tongue could be deadly to any females whose "la-la area" is bitten. Luckily Kimono dragons do not seem to be aware of the concept of foreplay.
A surprising delicacy are the testes of the male dragon. On ingesting a number of Dragon Ballz one can often find oneself turning into a Super Saiyan. Male dragons have 7 testicles. Stealing a dragon's balls can prove very difficult and is practiced only by Elders of the saiyan race. There is a handy book on how to learn though, How to steal a dragon's balls by Cressida Cowell.
A dragon's lair is always inaccessible by normal means (there are no roads), and almost always located on top of a mountain or in a cave (except in extreme cases where you have met this dragon before, have managed to piss said dragon off and then he will be in the remains of your home, chewing on your partner's arm). When entering a dragons chamber it is important to make sure the path leads down. A downwards path always means easy access to the treasure. If you find your adventurous ass going upwards be warned, as you will eventually come face to face with a vicious yet tired sleeping dragon (pillaging is hard work). Once there you must scale the dragon which is always followed by a breakneck slide down the dragons tail down to the treasure. Collect your treasure but be warned said dragon always wakes up when you are a good 3 minute run from the exit.
The Dragon Dung Farm
Dragon's tend to crap a lot,which led to the global warming of Mars and subsequently ending the Llama reign on that babalicious redneck anally inclined shithole of hell.To solve and prevent further damage to the Earth the Confederacy establish a Dragon Dung Farm Association or D.D.S.A. which when the letters are switched around the form the word D.A.D.S which stands for Dastardly Anal Duck-Fuckers Society.
Stop Dragon My Heart Around
This is a classic Dragon Love song written and performed by Tom Petty but made famous by Stevie Nicks. Weird Al Yankovic did a cover with improved lyrics. Tom Petty had additional fame by being one of the survivors in the post-apocalyptic movie The Postman, directed and starring Kevin Costner who also starred in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves with Sean Connery who was the voice of Draco in Dragonheart, which has to do with dragons and was hardly as bad as Waterworld.
How to deal with dragons
It's simple: don't believe in them. It's common knowledge that dragons only exist if you believe in them, so just turn your back on it and say: "You don't exist", and the dragon will vanish into thin air. It works on most dragons. Be advised, though, that there are certain breeds of dragon that have been genetically modified to resist existentialistic denial tactics, and those will probably just fry you out of annoyance. If you happen to run across this sort of dragon, it is best to fuck off with all possible haste. There are also the problems that someone else somewhere will believe in them, whether you do or not, and so this tactic rarely works at all. Only once has this worked - unfortunately, sometime afterwards it was found the man's travelling companion was a disguised sorcerer and so just sent the dragons to somewhere else. You can also try to fight a dragon, but seeing as a dragon is basically a flying magical T-Rex that breathes fire, shits wisdom and reads minds, you'd have to be a complete fuckwit to try.
How can I stop dragons from carrying me away?
If threatened by a dragon, do not attempt to kill it, even in the unlikely event that you have the necessary weapons and training. Dragons are protected by law in all countries of the world (except Britannia, Norrath, parts of Vana'diel and three US states), even against self-defense. Even if you manage to kill one (which is most unlikely), it may eventually turn into a zombie dragon. If it does, good luck...
Instead, several techniques exist for banishing a dragon. The most common is to challenge it to a game of dice. In theory, this leaves much to chance (particularly problematic since the human will usually need to wager his own life); however, there are ways the human player can gain an insurmountable advantage. One that has grown in popularity since the 1970s is to complicate the rules such that both players need (preferably multiple) rulebooks to keep them straight. Unless the rulebooks are printed in draconic script, the dragon will be unable to read them, hence the human's advantage. Do not stand too near the books, however; red dragons in particular are likely to set them on fire when they become frustrated.
Of course if a dragon is really interested in you, your fate is sealed, since all dragons are the spawn of Bruce Lee, they are invincible and cannot be stopped.
Dragons in Folklore
Every story told needs a dragon. No matter how much the story you're telling sucks, add a dragon. This is the be-all, end-all means of improving any tale, yard, anecdote, or unnecessarily gratuitous rambling about your own boring life. Try it. I'm not lying.