Here Be Dragons
“I didn't see any dragons here. Plenty of Snakes on the way over here though.”
“God, there are a lot of blacks here.”
Here be Dragons is the largest, most populous and least civilised nation in the world. As the name suggests, the country is famed for its exports of tea, cheap electronics, cannibalism, men wearing skirts, latex and very large fire-breathing lizards.
Here Be Dragons was discovered in 1445 (quarter to three in the afternoon) by Chris Columbus, fresh from the success of directing the first two Harry Potter movies. He was quick to introduce culture to the savage natives there, replacing the ancient and thriving economy and belief system they had previously enjoyed. As the years passed, the nation of Here Be Dragons became known as a passing curiosity where people wear funny jewellery and talk in stupid languages.
Recently, Here Be Dragons was invaded by George W. Bush and Tony Blair as part of the ongoing war on terror. Being an uncivilised nation, Here Be Dragons is strongly believed to be harbouring a terrorist somewhere within its landmass.
Of course, the most famous characteristic of Here Be Dragons is the fact that according to many sources, there be dragons. Rumours of dragon activity surfaced in the mid-19th century when Lord Humphrey Shufflebotham of Bottingham Hall, Wiltshire, spotted "a curious-looking beastie that had a neck the size of the Palace of Westminster and was covered with the most god-awful spots you could ever possibly have imagined." Having never encountered a giraffe before, Lord Shufflebotham was unaware that it had no intention of breathing fire at him and, deciding that descretion was the better part of valour, returned to his 23-bedroom country estate, buggered a few of his servants and sold his story of 'dragons' to all the local newspapers.
War with Wales
The 1965 war with Wales over the use of the image of a dragon on their flag was a particular low point in the history of here Be Dragons. The flashpoint began when it was suggested by the tribal president of Here Be Dragons that the Welsh might want to replace the dragon on their national flag with a picture of a sheep. In response, Wales invaded Here Be Dragons. After the French surrendered (just in case), Wales were able to steamroller the entire Here Be Dragons army. Angry gaelic rugby players vs. people throwing pointy sticks and fruit? The tribesmen never stood a chance.
As a result of the war, here Be Dragons were forced to pay $3.50 in reparations and now have a flag consisting of a smiley face, a rugby ball and a severed pair of testicles. Traditionalists complain that the symbolism of the old flag has been lost and that the true spirit of Here Be Dragons has been lost, but the Welsh overlords have advised that they might wish to "stop their bloody whining". Each year, the elders of Here Be Dragons must select fifteen young men to be sacrifice to the Welsh national rugby team in order to keep the conquerors appeased.
In addition to the aforementioned attempts at rugby, here Be Dragons also competes at many other sports, both nationally and on an international level:
- Some say, The Stig comes from Here Be Dragons.
- Here Be Dragons is applying to host the world cup in 2020, despite the fact that that isn't a world cup year.
- Contrary to popular belief, the island from Lost isn't part of Here Be Dragons, but rather part of the small island state known as 'Here Be DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!'