Final Fantasy XI

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Final Fantasy XI
In-keeping with the previous FF series minimal box designs, FFXI features a blank case
Developer(s) Square-Enix
Release date 2002
Genre RPG
Platform(s) PC, Your Brain
Rating T for Total Control
Would Black Jesus play it? Probably not

“Ooo, my armour is red, like Ferrari!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Final Fantasy XI

“I Have love, I have 2 wife, I hate that real life..”

~ Gimya on gilselling

“I'am a Dark Knight/Warrior LV 75/30 and married with a beautiful Summener/White Mage LV.50/33, if only I could really marry a beautiful summener in real life. :( ”

~ Dark Knight Crimson X on Final Fantasy XI

Final Fantasy XI - Red like Ferrari (FFXI, FF11, FFXIRLF) is a revolutionary MMORPG from Square'anux. Released in 2002 Final Fantasy XI has since become the dominant game on the MMORPG market, because anyone who plays World of Warcraft is not considered human and does not count. Final Fantasy XI is Squezenux's flagship game to promote their 'Gaming together on any console ever made... ever' ideal, FFXI being the first game to run on any console ever made in the history of mankind. Including the original Gameboy. FFXI is sited as the main reason world of warcraft failed to ever gain a substantial player base, as FFXI was just too damn awesome.


Your a character who starts out in Vana' Diel and you must rank up do tons of missions and pull out all your hair completing CoP Missions because they're ridiculously hard but it all works out in the end!

Game play[edit]

Upon 'logging on' to FFXI, the player is confronted by TaruTaru Morpheous and given the choice of the Blue Pill or the Red Pill, when the player picks the Blue pill they are directed to FFXIs main server for play and forget about the Real World. Picking the Red Pill glitches the game into reloading the log on page, having the player once again confronted by TaruTaru Morpheous. Squenux stated they were 'looking into the problem', then determined that you're just going to have to 'deal with it' because of 'PS2 limitations.'


Standard jobs[edit]

Warrior is said to be the most complex job of FFXI. Warriors have a multitude of offensive and defensive techniques such as Defender, which lowers attack yet raises defense, and Berserk, a move that raises attack but lowers defense. These two moves are often cleverly combined to do nothing at all. In a party the Warrior's main job is to hit monsters with large swords so that they look all uber like Cloud. Once, it was believed that this job should not be used beyond level 30 due to the availability of advanced jobs. However, in recent times it has been discovered that a Warrior who dual-wields axes who is actually levelled past 30 will eventually learn the weaponskill Rampage, which makes all other weaponskills so obsolete that the other damage dealer jobs are now primarily seen seen drinking themselves into a stupor in the Merry Minstral in Jeuno, ranting about the good old days. Also, they get to wear all the kinky-tight smashin' breastplates.
White Mage
As white is the color of innocence, White Mages are of course in control of the light spells such as curing raising and protecting themselves and party members. White mage plays a vital role within FFXI and are better than Warriors
Black Mages
Black Mages control Mother Nature. Your plants a tad dry? Well, a Black Mage will turn on the water using the spell 'Water' and give them a good drink. This job has recently gone the way of the dinosaur due to every monster in the game having been given the trait 'auto-reflect'.
Red Mages
Red Mages are the transvestites of FFXI, they are people who can't make up their mind. Should I be a White Mage? Should I be a Black Mage? Should I be a Warrior? I think I like men and women? All these thoughts lead people to be Red Mages. White Wimps are not the only whores in ffxi. Red Mages derive their name from the areas they spend time in, as many people who play this job are seen in the red light district of Jeuno, 'refreshing' people (thus called refresh whores.) After an extreamly good few hours of 'refreshing' people in parties some lucky Red Mages recive their client's Pimp Hat and proudly wear it to show off to newbies. Gotta love the pimp hat...
Monk is the job for people who don't actually have time to play an MMORPG. The Monk's ability to deal just enough damage not to take hate if they just auto-attack and do nothing else means that a player can engage a mob, go AFK to do something, and only return every five minutes or so to see whether the current mob is dead and they have to hit auto-attack on the new one.
Thief is the job for people who hate everyone. Unfortunately, thieves cannot pop out of the bushes and tell another player, "Gimmie your GP or your HP, beeyotch!" as thieves can only steal items from mobs. The chance at actually stealing anything of any value is phenomonally low, not only because most mobs are broke, but unemployed. Also, the recast time for "Steal" is way too high, or at least high enough to make even the most industrious thieves seem like slackers. They do get a neat passive ability called "Treasure Hunter" which allows thieves to acquire rarer items at a marginally accelerated rate. All in all, thieves do the most damage from behind, a trick they are taught at level 5 by doing a side quest for the Duke of Jeuno, Snoop Doggy Dogg. Thieves are only good at DD (damage dealing, not dumpster-diving) if they have someone to tank the mob, so they can attack from behind like pansies. They can use the ability 'flee' to run twice as fast for 15 seconds, which is just enough time to run from one mob that would kill you in ten seconds into another one.

"Advanced" jobs[edit]

After reaching level thirty, you are automatically stuck into the Virgin class for the rest of the game (or your life, whatever ends first). However, this new job comes with new and exciting sub-classes/variants/whatever, offering a wider spread of choices and whatnot:

Probably undoubtedly the true heroes of Vana'diel. Bards specialize in giving party members what they desperately need (songs), whether it be shooting up Minuet for the melees or snorting Ballad for the mages. For this reason, and this reason only, parties CRAVE Bards like Manthras crave attention. However, Bards are usually terrible in combat as their usual method of fighting things involves a slap and instant gratification. Bards have been known to sport the color red (awesome! doesn't really matter) as well as sometimes hanging out at Yagudo Feathers, the local Jeunoan bar run by Cid, of Bastok. There, they can often be found performing "Refreshing" favors for other mages. Bards are much more effective at "Refreshing" whole parties at a time, because they have an A+ skill.
The greatest damage dealer job of FFXI. They have to fight off the party invites! They are able to use a job ability called "Call Wyvern" which activates "Fly". With this they can travel to any area they have been! Cliffs? Not a problem, use “Jump”! Cliff too high? Use “High Jump”! Be careful with Super Jump though, you might fly up to Sky and have to solo Kirin. Unfortunately, getting this job requires rescuing the last Wyvern in existence, so only one player can get this job per server. Most Dragoons are either Japanese players who've been playing since the beginning, or hackers who made their characters on Atomos (test server) and then transferred them to another server. However, Squaranux has looked into player queries and has finally come with a solution to this unfortunate problem: As of their newest patch, Dragoon semen is infused with wyvern DNA, allowing for future Wyverns to spawn, fully grown, out of those poor, poor Dragoon ladies. This fix has also been reported to encourage female ragequitting and returning to the kitchen, which is always good.
Corsair (Crack Pirates)
Crack Pirates are one of the most unusual jobs in the game, with exciting “Luck based” abilities such as “smuggle” where the user gets a random chance to enter any of the three countries with out being caught or reported by authorities. Sporting in-game Jack Sparrow accents, they are commonly found with Slutty whores.
The only job in the game that's forced to use a two-handed weapon, the Great Katana. They have the ability to use Meditate and gain TP, 20/tick with their AF helm. Samurais have found to have a third nipple, which can be used through the ability "Third Eye". By using this ability they're able to dodge the next hit directed to them. It is rumored that they can absorb more than one hit with this ability through the use of the defensive ability Seigan, but since it and the offensive ability Hasso are mutually exclusive, no one has bothered to test this theory.
Paladin was once relegated to obsolescence upon the discovery of Ninja tanking years ago, but has since enjoyed a renewed popularity when it was realized that Ninja tanking sucks a bag of dicks. This job is only available during "Campaign" battles in the Wings of the Godless expansion pack. In order to unlock this job, players must earn at least 30 credit hours of Philosophy at an accredited college in order to master the Stoicist school of thought, as the Paladin's primary task is to be beaten like a rented mule and ask for more. Furthermore, Paladins who die must, by Federal law, accept all verbal abuse by primadonna White Mages who rightly assert it's the Paladin's fault that the White Mage didn't heal them enough.
Blue Warrior
A job based on the power of masochism. Blue Warriors can be seen across Vana'diel with their backs turned to enemies that they've gotten pissed off at them by beating them up to near death. This is in hopes that the monster will use the one attack out of twenty that the Blue Warrior can learn to use, inexplicably through the use of MP, and that this time the Blue Warrior will in fact actually learn it. Blue Warrior players have also been known to enjoy looking for Pink Tails in Final Fantasy IV.
This job calls powerful beings called "Sleeping Gods" to destroy enemy armies for you. Summoners have an incredible amount of power, including the ability to transfer their subjob traits to their "pets". However, being a Summoner is illegal in Windurst and you have to constantly fend off fanatical Tarutaru trying to bring you to justice. Also, this job is roundly criticized for not being able to heal very effectively. Sleeping Gods available so far: Ifrit, Shiva, Garuda, Alexander, Odin, Clinton, Odin Clinton, Bahamut, Elmo, Jormungandr, Atomos, and Anima.
For those who loved playing with dolls in their childhood (or still do), be they girly men or... uh... girls, this is the perfect job. Puppetmasters specialize in calling out their "Automatons", which is just a fancy name for the dolls they play dress up with. Many go to an old Galka collector who lives in his parent's basement (or eBay) to find that one perfect outfit to make their Automaton the prettiest at the Vana'diel Ball.
This is a pure mage class that relearns the same damned spells they already knew before. Like the Sage class that Tellah from FFIV was an example of, the Scholar uses both black and white magic, has the ability to "Remember" spells that they know from other jobs but can't currently cast, and physically hits like a girl. Rumor has it that if you level Scholar to 61, your character turns into a Gyarados. They can't splash though.
Time Mage
Masters of space and time, this hidden job, discovered by Lago of Lakshmi, is unlocked by eating a rare bazaarable food called Time Mage Hat while talking to NPCs as described here. The Time Mage has a wealth of abilities and spells themed around space and time, including Comet and Meteor (but inexplicably not Haste or Slow). The exclusive "Timing" job ability allows them to choose when their spells go off, such as just after a skillchain, or when the mob hits 10% HP, or just before the mob almost wiped out the party three battles ago. They can also cause skillchains by storing up and releasing the chain effect of a WS or blood pact; this has made skillchains so easy that many players complain they never see SCs anymore in parties without a TIM. A few enterprising players have discovered that TIM can tank by taking all its damage in manageable chunks after battle; this has been roundly criticised as the worst method of tanking yet envisioned due to excessive downtime, and many White Wimps dread staying for hours after the party to heal the Time Mage tank.
Master of the beasts, this job uses the force of angry NPCs to assist you in battle. Beastmasters are easily one of the best jobs to have on your team, because they are basically a 2-in-1 class. Beastmasters can further their pets' abilities by marrying them. If the beast accepts the proposal, both receive an additional +10 to all stats. Beastmaster wield one-handed axes, 2-handed axes, claymores, holy capes, footballs, and telephones.
This job is unlocked if your account has been active 24 hours a day for 365 days. Mainly played by Chinese masters, these players fight without armour to hone their skills in dying. Ussually consists of small cult of asian children killing one monster all year in rotations.
Masters of the bow, gun, crossbow, and online Chinese gil buying, Gilbuyers are an elite class in the game. For a mere $90 one can acquire 2 million gil and buy all the most uber gear and ruin the economy all at once! One can wear leather clothes and shoot things, enjoy the comforts of a pimp Mog House, not to mention the extreme pleasure of being able to receive abuse from the rest of the players.
Like the Samurai, this job wields katana, but wields one in each hand. This deadly assassin uses a number of super-secret "ninjutsu" spells such as Utsusemi, a spell that causes them to automatically win a battle. They also have the ability to commit seppuku as a 2-hour, which lets them warp and gain xp instead of losing it, thus making them the best solo job. Other jobs usually sub Ninja because it allows them to use two weapons, thus hitting twice as fast, and makes them invincible, taking no damage from anything the mob does.
Dancers use the ability, Dance, to inflict many ailments on enemies or teammates. They can only use 3-handed weapons, and throwing items. Their dance ability can inflict ailments such as Chicken Pox, Nosebleed, Toe jam malfunction, and n00b stomach. Nosebleed has been proven to be the most useful, as it causes the enemy to run away, and return in a weakened state. Along with Beastmasters, Dancers are perfectly adept to soloing. It's been rumored that Dancers can take out Fafnir alone.
This is considered the trickiest job in the whole FFVI to FFVI 1/2 series. While bashing monsters with their Special Edition of Pugad Baboy, they have to perform various actions like checking their facebook, tending to their carabaos, insulting n00b teamates' mothers with "your nanay" jokes, and blaming the judgemental cats that the americans brought upon them. They can also summon fake infernals in the belief that they are playing Dota and not FF.

How to play[edit]

Chances are, you're playing the game incorrectly, especially if you are one of the following jobs: war (War), nin (Nintendo Entertainment System), rdm (Radar machine), or mnk (Monkey). The proper party is a drk (Dork), a pld (Plaid shirt), a thf (Can opener), a blm (Bellhop), a whm (Wham!), and a brd (Breadboard).

Additionally, proper play of the game requires that you meet the following creteria:

  • 722 buttons pressed per second, on average.
  • 23.7 hours spent each day on play.
  • 100% of your financial assets spent on the game.
  • 100% of your loans or other debts spent on the game.
  • You have played the game nonstop since the day before it came out. Bonus points for playing before beta.
  • Survival on Cheetos and Mountain Dew. Five-hour-energy heroes need not apply.
  • Must Be over 250pounds
  • Requires living in a basement with your mother