Final Fantasy VI
|Final Fantasy VI|
|Release date||NEVER IN JAPAN!!!|
|Platform(s)||Super Nintendo/Game Boy Advance|
|Rating||M (SNES)/AO (GBA)|
|Would Arnold Schwarzenegger play it?||Fuck you for asking that|
“At least I'm not dubbed by Stephanie Sheh in Dissidia, that would have made me annoying.”
“Wait, is this III or VI? I'm confused!”
“Haha, so I ripped off these guys huh?”
“I was bored okay? Wouldn't YOU destory the world and rule it with a giant boner if you were bored?”
Final Fantasy VI (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーVI; Fainaru Fantajī Vee-Aye) is possibly the best Final Fantasy video game to be released, but also possibly not. Since VI, there were actual stories written in a Final Fantasy game, with the delicate exceptions of Final Fantasy XII and XIII. It's the 3rd Final Fantasy game released in the U.S, mainly because the first three were shit. It was also the last game on the SNES, meaning the last game to use action-figures for main characters. Tomoyo Asano stated that a Final Fantasy VI remake for the DS is "in progress" but that he's "too busy with all those orgies around."
The Story of the Story
The story is about Terra Branfold, a yellow-blue-green-purple haired girl who might be related to Jak. She is a half-Esper (:spoiler) who suffers through amnesia throughout most of the game and doesn't know what love is. She meets up with Locke Cole, a young man who steals stuff, but is not a thief, who promises her to protect her until she'll recover her memories in order to get some. But he doesn't, so he settles for Celes Chere, a girl who almost got excecuted by Kefka because she was far prettier than he was. He also keeps telling her how much she reminds him of his ex-boyfriend.
Terra meets other characters during her journey, but everything goes bleak when she transforms into an Esper-like form after she touched an Esper popsicle. There's a 5-minute scene in which Terra is shown flying. The main reason for that scene is to show her pixeled ass, which went on to become the first ever porn scene in a game. The party searches for Terra, whilst Locke and Celes have an argument on Facebook about who is more loyal to whom. Celes is proven to not be a traitor, as her Myspace account was proven to have been created by Kefka for major lulz. Terra is eventually found by her party hanging out with a 300-something years old esper, and has been permitted the friendship as it turns out she's also half human. After the happy reunion, the rebels decide to fight against the Empire once and for all. Meanwhile, Terra decides to look for all Espers and to catch them all.
They lead the attack against the Empire. After the fierce and brutal battles, Team Terra finds the Emperor completely defeated and they decide to make a truce. But during all of this, Kefka kills all of the Espers and absorbs all of their magic juices. When it turns out the peace treaty was as solid as the reason why the USA army invaded Iraq, Terra and co. chase Kefka's trail to prevent him and Emperor Gestahl from gaining the power of the mystical statues. However They fail from preventing so in time. Kefka backstabs Gestahl for having a stupider name than he did, and takes all of the power for himself. He also reverts the statues order and provokes 2012 a few decades early. Rocks fall, everyone dies, the end.
Or so we thought. We find out that Celes had a coma after witnessing the devastating events of a clown taking over the world (wouldn't you?) which lasted for an entire year. After realizing that the dying world won't save itself, Celes reunites the entire gang, plus Umaro and Gogo, the Yuffie and Vincent of this game, and launched a new raid against Kefka's evil forces. They reach the former statues of power and destroy them, which is proven to be useless since Kefka transferred all of their power to himself thanks to sucking their power dry. They finally face Kefka and defeat him despite his incredibly distracting boner. After his defeat, everyone hurries to escape the collapsing lair, who's insurance expired the second Kefka got bent. But Shadow stays behind because he felt like it. Terra starts to feel weak since she's part Esper, but she survives thanks to her human heritage. Her father is not as lucky. THE END.
The characters in this game are very small and barely visible. This was because most of the girls in the game never wear pants, and the creator didn't want kids to see asses.
- Terra Bradford: The protagonist of this game, which is surprising, considering that most Final Fantasy protagonists are either cheery surfer dudes, an angsty River Phoenix, a cheeky monkey boy, or a bunch of overrated emos that really need to stop polluting this series. Nevertheless, she wastes 12 hours whining about her powers and had to be replaced by Celes as the protagonist. She's basically the brainwashed emotionless chick of the series until she warms up to her friends and started owning some molesting clown's ass. She's also the character who's backstory was lifted by Aerith. Like Bartz, she is one of the few Final Fantasy protagonists that doesn't have a love interest. Unless you dismiss her boyfriend the Onion Knight from Dissidia.
- Locke Cole: A full-time burglar who loves to surf through the internet for some good old Guro porn. His hobbies include trying to revive his dead girlfriend through the entire game, and telling Celes that she reminds him of Rachel whenever he can. After defeating Kefka, him and Celes became official. Months later, Celes dumped him.
- Edgar Rice-a-Roni Figaroni: The ladies man who's also a King, but unfortunately, he couldn't call himself Mr. Big as that name was already taken by a fellow royal pimp. He couldn't even call himself King as that name was taken by a woman and a wrestler wearing a tiger mask. He ruled his land with justice since his brother was busy running his own company for organizing monk orgies. He preferred to take care of his green thumb, rather than actually do something productive with his life. Edgar secretly aided the rebels despite that he publically supported the Empire, but Kefka came along and trolled all of his plans inside out. Later on, he disguises himself as a thief called Gerad, which was pretty much the biggest fail in the game, because the only people who got fooled by it were the same ones who thought Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana were different people.
- Sabin Renée Zellweger "Mash" Figaroni: Edgar's brother, who's special ability is known in our world as Carate. Despite being the older twin for over 2 minutes, he didn't want to rule the country that he was supposed to, leaving his brother to take pity on him and their country's citizens by taking over himself by a flip of a rigged coin. He met Terra and the rest of the rebels when he was chasing his sensei's son, after he killed their sensei out of jealousy. It is argued that Sabin is a closet homosexual. It is also argued that what was said before was a cheap joke with no true proof as such. The editors shall now be stoned to death for their insolence.
- Shadow: A somewhat ninja manages to join Final Fantasy. Alongside man's best friend, dog. His dog's name is Toto, but his stage name was Interceptor for the time. He fathered Relm during his stay in a town, after he left his half dead partner in crime to die alone when he was helpless and mortally wounded. He is the only character who doesn't survive Kefka's collapsing tower. (:spoiler) You're supposed to feel sorry for him because he stopped running away from stuff right then, rather than, you know, follow the rest of the gang out to safety in order to amend his errors whilst he was still alive. But nope, that would require actual effort. Remember; if you're a ninja, you're excused for any type of shitty behaviour thanks to your code of HONOURRR! His real name is Kelvin Clyde. His dog eventually staged for the role of Angelo in Final Fantasy VIII before officially retiring.
- Cyan Garamonde: The incredibly wrinkly knight who wants to kill Kefka for poisoning his town's water, killing everyone, including his wife and son. How he survived the poison is never explained, but it's assumed the reason is his wrinkly face. He's also the second ugliest character in the game, right behind Strago.
- Gau: The energetic jungle kid who isn't Tomba. He aids the gang despite his lack of vocabulary and intellect. He was abandoned by his father because his mother died in childbirth. Still, his father picked him up from the jungle later on after finding out that being a single father on Facebook brings the chicks to the yard. Gau's likeable attitude is what eventually gave us the likes of Zell, Vivi and Hope. Out of all of Gau's succesors, Vivi is the least annoying and the most useful of them all. Suck it up Zell and Hope. You too Yuffie and Eiko. Perhaps Tidus and Sora count as well. Fuck, all of these annoying characters came to life because of this guy? Suddenly we don't like you anymore, Blanka-boy.
- Celes Chere: Also known as Cher to her friends, she is a former professional chief of the Empire before Kefka decided to banhammer her for having prettier hair than he could ever imagine. She also was a General at some point, but who cares about a woman having a career outside of the kitchen? *pum-pish* After shit happens, she is the one whom reunites the former gang in order to defeat Kefka once and for all. The final (and epic) battle's footage was documented and reviewed by the AVGN during the start of Tales of Phantasia.
- Mog: A Moogle. He can speak the human tongue perfectly thanks to sleeping through his English classes. Kupo!
- Setzer Gabbiani: Is an Italian flamboyant gambler, who is also a metrosexual. He generously donates your final airship, The Falcon, without wanting it back in the final act of the game. Man, what a nice guy. Fans debate that he is a distant cousin of Sephiroth. He is known for crossing streams, as he was last seen in Kingdom Hearts II, challanging Roxas into a duel to see who can collect the most balls under a strict time limit. He also is one of the few characters that can make Roxas cry like a baby on screen if he wins.
- Strago Magus: Just some old dude. Apparently, he thinks he doesn't have to retire yet. But he really should. He is secretly the son of Tellah but tells no one because of his father's "suicidal impulses" and gay clothes. Had a brief affair with Queen Brain in Final Fantasy IX at the end of Disc 6, but he kills her with Grand Train which is his ultimate attack.
- Relm Arrowny: A little 10 year old girl shoo, go away Pedobear who is convienietly Strago's granddaughter. She seems to know Shadow's dog pretty well, which would imply that Shadow Clyde is her long lost father, who mysteriously dragged the family dog to a long road trip. That would also impy that Shadow had the chance for a normal life at some point, but he ran away from it because he had ran away from helping his dying sidekick decades ago. Wow girl, your daddy's a bit of a wimp, he's no Ryu Hayabusa that's for sure. She is an artist on Deviantart who loves to post her art on Neopets. If you thumbs up her art, she'll like you very, very much! Shoo Pedobear! No child molesting bears allowed!
- Random Returner Dude #4: The most popular character in the game. He pwns Generic Narshe Guard #2 in just about every way imaginable. He returns in the series in Final Fantasy: Dirge of Ceberus for a cameo as WRO member #14. You'll recognise him as that motherfucker with a stupid beanie who had a bazuka as a weapon whilst sky diving and the guy in Final Fantasy VIII who owns the motorcycle guy during the battle between Balamb and Galbadia.
- Gogo: Most often remembered as a Governor of Illinois and as a presidential candidate for the Democrats. Successful in mimicking everything he sees which would lead people to believe that he is popular.
- Umaro: He's bascially the Cat Sith of the game. Except that he's a YETI. What more do you want? Sign him up!
- Cid: Another Cid character named after that Cid from Final Fantasy II onwards. He's somewhat useful in this game too. Spoiler: He's not your father in this game.
- Vicks and Wedge: These two guys seem to be the newer version of the Cid expys that are all over Final Fantasy; except the first one. They first popped up here, then in 7, then in 8. It is unknown if they showed up elsewhere, because by the point of 9 everyone was sick of them. Kinda like the boring Let's Players whom all they do is rant about how stupid any game is rather than actually play it. In which ever version they star in, they're always the boring comedic duo whom are supposed to be funny, but even if you're an 8 year old you'd feel that they're trying too hard to make you laugh at their jokes. Whenever you see these guys, all you can think of is "The third stupid guy of the trio is missing."
- Kefka Palazzo: The dastard spawn of Tim Curry and Freeza, Kekfa is that kind of villain whom you treat like shit for the entire run, until he pretty much owns everything and you can't do nothing about it. (Like Ice T and that guy from Chrono Trigger.) He is a full time clown, not because he is the local town's jester, but because he really loves wearing makeup. His idol is Alex from Clockwork Orange and his favourite book is 1984. Surprisingly, despite the fruity image, he is actually straight. He's obsessed with Terra because he'd like to date her, but Terra rejected his advances because he wasn't as handsome as Vega. When he found out that Terra found love in another game, he went berserk and stalked her once again in order to change her status to "single" on Facebook. Both Terra and her Onion Knight ignored the tart. He is also the Yang to his twin brother's Yin, Edward Scissorhands. Not everyone knows that he's actually Italian and is possibly related to Il Palazzo. Man, that explains everything.
- Palpatine: Kefka's Sith mentor. He ensured all Sith prophecies would come true. He gets killed by Kefka for major lulz.
- Leo: A character who was crossovered from Tales of Destiny. He will rename himself as Judas for betraying Namco here.
- Vargas' Bears: The most evil, deep, and famous villains in any game ever to exist. Vargas' bears, named "iPooh" and "iPooh". They sold 5,000,000 songs and can fit in your pocket protector. They bear (get it? get it?) a striking resemblance to Sabin.
- Ultros: Kefka's squid pet. This creature shows us just how fucked up a clown can be if his pet is a floating purple tentacle abomination. He stalks the main party (like master, like pet) wanting to jump on their corpses (as seen above) if they're defeated. See kids, don't lose the game or the TENTACLE WILL DANCE ON YOUR BODY. It also religiously reads all of their Facebook profiles. He tried a career in tentacle porn, but since many other Tentancle porn stars are available for peanuts, his attempt was cut short too soon. He is currently living in a local town called Silent Hill. He'll be waiting for you there, darrrrrlings.
Bascially, whatever Final Fantasy VII did, this game did it better. Too bad Final Fantasy VII is the cash cow of Square-Enix, even to this day. Irony!