Final Fantasy II

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Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that


may follow. Read on at your own discretion.

Final Fantasy II
Maria is not wearing pants.
Developer(s) Squaresoft
Release date Never
Genre RPG
Platform(s) NES, GBA, PSP
Rating T
Would Bill Gates play it? No

“I came across 4 of those rebels in the woods. Personally, I thought I was done for, but they simply proceded to bash each other in the face and neck whilst shouting 'My Hp level just went through the roof!' I ran off, found a wyvern egg and had it for breakfast. Which was nice.”

~ Some Imperial Guard on Final Fantasy II

“…… ♥ ♥ ♥ !!”

~ LamQueen on Final Fantasy II

Final Fantasy II (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーⅡ; Fainaru Fantajī Aye-Aye) is the sequel to the original Final Fantasy. It was highly praised by emos for the large amounts of death involved in the storyline. However, it's criticised by everyone else for being all; 'Oh Cid, boo hoo, you iz dead. I talked to you like twice in my life, and I didn't really get you, and I thought you was a bit cold, and I liked you more in FF7 (sooo good). But i'z gonna miss you man! Boo Hoo.' and 'Oh Noes Josef! You iz dead, crushed by a temple of doom movie reference. I knew you for 5 minutes, but you waz like a father to meeez!!'

Player characters[edit]


Firion is the main character and the only FF male character to wear a man-thong (it's true check the artwork). He has no real personality and once tried to bone Hilda. Firion was originally a LIGHT WARRIOR but after saving the world he ran away crying after being anally raped and was adopted by Maria's and Leon's parents. Firion likes to play the game Life but winds up losing because he is infertile and can have no children.


Maria is Firion's unusually pale younger sister. She does not seem to be romantically involved with Firion though they do have sex more than once.


Guy's the Guy. Seriously, his name's Guy. Yup, you don't get much Guyer than Guy. In fact, Guy's not just the Guy, he's the Guy. Without a doubt Guy is probably the best character in FFII, nay, the whole freakin' world! Men want to be him, women want to be with him (and vice versa). Guy, however, can only say two words: "Bone Hilda". Some say that Guy's Guyness is hampered somewhat by the fact that he's simply a reworked version of the Thief Sprite from FFI, but those people are just plain stupid. Don't listen to them. In fact, feel free to spit on them in public and steal their shoes. Guy changed his name temporarily to Gay as a childish stunt. He later denied the event. He has the amazing ability to talk beaver, this is not a term for something else, I seriously mean talking to beavers, the furry animals that chew wood.


Crazed serial killer that kills and takes Lion's Hearts and wraps them up and pretends they're his underwear. Also helps out the bad guys and good guys in his spare time. Has sexual fantasies of boning Hilda. Unfortunately, he was a victim of identity theft.



A homosexual White Mage, it is obvious he is homosexual due to his heavy reliance on White Magic, which is a girly thing. An ex-terrorist, he always says he boned Hilda but that is homologically impossible. Like a true terrorist, Mingwu blew himself up to help Gus get the the end of the game.



His Highness Boy Prince Gordon Wimpy Wimp Wimp Girlie Girlie Girl of Cashew-On (Casheon) and Coward[edit]

After appearing in this game, Gordon went on to invent the Live Journal,, and was the original singer for the band Linkin Park (this was BEFORE they sold out!). He is also a published author, having written several books decrying the fascist tyranny of his highschool teacher who just doesn't understand him, as well as sensual books about bonng Hilda, which are ironic in that Hilda actually boned him.


Just when you think that things couldn't get anymore cliched, you end up on a Pirate boat. But not just any Pirates. Oh no. These fellahs are led by a lassie. That's right, a chick. A non-male. A she-thing. A female Pirate! At the time this was major stuff. Major enough to start the suffragette movement a hundred years prior due to time-displacement and wormholes. And unlike certain other Final Fantasy cast members, she is proud of her feminity. She comes complete with a useless Lit spell. Hilda wants to bone her but can't.


A Dragoon. Yes, that's right, the world's very first Dragoon Knight was indeed Richard. He was also the first Dragoon to bone Hilda. However, he was also the world's worst Dragoon Knight, as he is unable to jump. He gets extremely upset when he discovers a boy is left in Dist, and he has to be the parent. In order to avoid parenthood, he jumps headfirst into a blender. The child grows up idolising his courage.


FFII looks strikingly similar to FFI. In fact, for the first ten minutes many gamers become confused and angry because the character selection screen refuses to load. So profound are the non-distinct differences between the two games graphically. To make sure gamers don't get confused the Japanese version has a picture of Domo-Kun that pops up periodically that bellows, "WE ARE OF DONKEY FUN MEGA GET!" so loudly the screen shatters. This was changed in the American version (released in the Year of Our Lord 1976) to a picture of Mister Rogers, who was deemed to have more marketability. The sound bite, however, remained intact, and has been frequently sampled by rap artists.

Like FFI the object of FFII is to save the world (who could have guessed?). Except this time the world contains many more increasingly useless towns that thankfully get destroyed part way through due to their uselessness. The method by which this is done is through a statistic system so complex that not even Harvard, NASA, nor Bill Nye the Science Guy could, or would, figure it out. As such, no one has ever completed this game. In fact, seven people have been known to have been killed while attempting to understand what was going on (though in all fairness they were very old and probably were going to die soon anyways). As such the game comes with a health warning advising that no one ever play the game... ever. Unfortunately, due to gross negligence on Square's part, this warning was printed in Welsh, and as such is unreadable by all.


Ok, have you seen Star Wars? The original three? Of course you have. Everybody has (apart from all the girls I go out with, but that's another matter entirely and I don't like to talk about it). Anyway, FFII is Star Wars in a Final Fantasy. Firion is Luke who is actually also the son of The Emperor, Maria is Leia (And, yes, they do have sex, just like in the movie), a little ship is also eaten by a big ship. There are other bits that give it away, like the plagiarised script lines, but down at the nitty gritty, what this means is that whichever you see/play first will remove the need to play/see the other.

The only major difference between the two is when Josef, or Hans Solo, leaves the party for accidentally dying. And so Reila, MingWu, Hilda and Piggles (you can work those out for yourself) venture of to the distant land of Cashew-on. A kingdom who's favorite (or only) food: Cashews. Prince Scottsman and Prince Gourmet were strict rulers who forced all the denizens to eat nothing but cashews, and not the salt-less ones! So our four heroes go into a boss battle and defeat the princes of Cashew-on. Then Piggles sacrifies himself so that the next party member may join. Prince Gourmet of Cashew-on joins but only has 64 HP so they just kill him off since he's so worthless. Then Hilda and Gourmet run off with each other... but then they both die. So now since the three main characters are no longer all alive the adventure ends. Just like Star Wars.

NPC Characters[edit]

  • Her Highness Lady Princess Hilda of Fishfinz (Fin) - The Princess of Fishfinz. Enjoys long walks on the beach and getting boned.
  • His Highness Man Prince Scott of Cashew-On (Casheon) - He died at Fin ;_;
  • Morgan Webb - Hides behind a fence in Cornland.
  • Philip - A dead father and husband.
  • Erina - An alive mother and widow.
  • Bobby - An alive son and daughter.
  • Martin van Buren - A serious dick.
  • Your Mom - You typical mother.
  • Emperor Mateus "David Bowie" Palamecia - The bad guy of the game, who is actually a woman trapped inside a man's body. When he died, God gave him the woman's body he wanted, but he was now blue and a fish. He also has a part-time job as a David Bowie impersonator.


Fire - Removes the fourth party member and employs a new one.
Lit - Sparks you up a fat-ass blunt of the most fire chronic in all the land. Which gets you lit. Damn, that's some good shit!
Ice - Shoots the puck across both the red line and the opposing team's goal line without the puck going into the net.
Bane - Makes you sit through a golfing tournament on TV.
Phys - Thinks its cooler than Psyc (see below), but it isn't.
Psyc - Think you cast a really cool spell, then PSYCH! It does nothing!
Nuke - Launch missiles at Casheon.
Slep - Sheep Leap. Launches everyone's favourite farmyard animal at the enemy, packed with explosives. Causes fluffy damage.
Stun - Special Tactical Urine Napalm. Does the same thing as Nuke, but with slightly altered modifications, such as piss.
Stop - Makes you skip turns till you cast the Go spell. But since you're skipping turns, you can't do a thing and the console flies away.
Conf - CONFer. Lets you talk to your party members, specifically Guy, because no-one cares about the other three.
Blnd - Spray your enemy with Hydrogen Peroxide, turning them into a Blond and unable to understand whats going on.
Curs - The CUReS. Plays Boys Don't Cry several times in tandem on a loop for five hours. Domo-Kun/Mister Rogers is deactivated during this time.
Toad - A secret summon spell, summons the little mushroom freak.
Brak - BRownies AttacK. Calls upon the services of the Brownies' Girl Scouts Squadron, whom must be appeased soon after with a blood-offering to Baal.
Rub - Request Maria and Reila to give you a back massage.
Zap! - Replaces your enemy with another random one in case you're bored with the current one.
Powr - POW Right in the kisser. Summons comedians to make the party laugh. Laughter is the best medicine after all.
Fast - Disables the "Fight" command; you must attempt to defeat your enemies through nonviolent means.
Aura - Reveal the inner karma of an enemy. Alignment shifts can be achieved through a slow and purposeful series of group therapy session, after which the enemy sees the error of it's ways and kills itself for causing such a fuss.
Cure - Cures AIDS. Cut out of the final version of the game.
Life - Allows the procreation of life in any organism via osmosis.
Hel1 - Sends you to the first layer of hell, the one with Satan.
Hel2 - Sends you to the second layer of hell, the one with Oprah.
Shld - Turns all party members into turtles.
Ruse -Sort of like Mist, except lower. Or is that higher? No, definitely lower. Yeah. Lower.
Fog - Mistyping of the word "fuck". Only aviable after beating the game 40 times (with the fist)
Shel - Say HELlo. A friendly greeting towards the enemy. Does minimal damage.
Wall - Makes the enemy get a time-out and stare at the wall.
Xfer - Misspelling of extra fur. Gives your party fur to keep them warm in winter areas.
Mini - Creates a car of the same name on the world map to be drove around as you see fit. Avoid rivers and seas if possible. Also requires the item DRVNG LIC.
Mute - It was intended to turn off the dialogue, but the dialogue was removed so it does nothing.
Anti - Creates an anti you to kill yourself.
Lose - Lose the battle.
Slow - So LOW. Challenges the enemy to a limbo competition. Enemy subsequently break their backs attempting to get under the one inch bar.
Swap - Swap bodies with your enemy to kill yourself.
Fear - AtmosFEAR. A complete NES translation of the popular DVD board game Atmosfear, specifically the gatekeeper version. Bad acting follows.
Fade - Enemies colors get ruined in the wash. Causes them to flee.
Warp - What ARe Plants. Possess rudimentary biology question that puzzles the enemy long enough to allow escape.
Xtal - See 29 Ultima: A brief guide and UAQ (Unfrequently Asked Questions)

Key items[edit]

Ring - The Ring Video Cassette tape.
Canoe - Mispronouncing of "Knew." Allows you to know stuff, then forget it.
Pass - Shoves you through a mountain.
Silver - You win the Olympics, except you must be Russian.
Snowship - A ship of snow. Highly ineffective.
Chime - An annoying sound, used to drive off the robbers in level 3.
Torch - One of the fantastic four. Refuses to be your boy toy.
Sunblaze - The sun. Don't touch it.
Pendant - A necklace made of diamonds. You can sell it on eBay.
Egg - Bald guy.
Whi.Mask - Pretend to be a white man.
Blk.Mask - Pretend to be a black man.
Xtal Rod - The old man's Extra-Tall Rod!
Dragon - It doesn't frolic, but it's useful anyway.
Distraction - You spend hours trying to find out wtf this does.
???? - A MYSTERY!!!!


Altea - A town named for its love of all tea.
Gathea - A town deticated to Garth from Wayne's World.
Fin - It's what fish use to move.
Palakia - Where the evil empire lives and rules. Near Silent Hill and Doo-Doo Pee-Pee Sandwich-land.
Mysidia - A town filled with Satan-worshiping Witches.
Palm - is part of the thing you use to fap with.
Parm - A town in Grandia.
Casheon - A place with Rick Santorum and his hot doggy action.
Salamand - A fire breathing lizard swallows your party after they are shrunk to bacteria size. This is a town of friendly bacteria, sponsored by Yakult -
Bafusk - I have no idea.
Dist - The past tence of "diss" but spelt wrong.
Pandaemonium - It's Hell, but with a cooler name. It's really quite nice in February and March.
Hell - It's Pandaemonium, but with a cooler name. It's really quite nice in March and February. Only in the Game Boy Advance version.


FFII was originally going to have voice-over dialogue and live-action cut scenes but they had to be cut out because the game was too old. It should be noted that many characters from the original Final Fantasy have gotten new roles in the story.

Planned cast[edit]


Firion - Tom Cruise
Maria - Deborah Harry
Guy - Biggie Smalls
Leon - Picasso.
MingWu - Osama bin Laden
Josef - Patrick Stewart
Gordon - Meg Ryan
Reila - Layla Kayleigh
Edward - Debra Wilson
Aeris Dies - Cloris Leachman


Princess Hilda - Grace Jones
King - Lady Diana
Scott - Kurt Cobain
Nelly - Jenna Jameson
Spell Seller - Bl.MAGE
Heather Morris - Cheryl Mason
The LamQueen - Kain Kary
Goblin - George Bush
Borgen - Saddam Hussein
Mulbor - Oscar Wilde
Inn Keeper - Dakota Fanning
Bobby - Microsoft Sam
Erina - Hillary Duff
Empire - Alice Krige

USA Release[edit]

A gory drawing of how we think it happened

There were plans to bring FFII into the United States under the title Final Fantasy II: Where Do Babies Come From? but a sea monster of some sort killed the translators. So two guys who knew no English started translating the game, It was going all right until the sea monster came back and ate all of the cartridges. Except one and it was later auctioned on eBay. It will be officially released in Never.