Final Fantasy IX
“This is my favourite Final Fantasy game”
“WTF, no Ultima spell?”
Final Fantasy IX (ファイナルファンタジーIX, Fainaru Fantaji NEIN!) is the ninth installment of the Final Fantasy series, a franchise that shows no sign of spreading until it achieves world domination. Unlike previous games in which the main character is an anti-social, emo brooder, this one has taken a complete u-turn and stuck its middle finger up to expectations by creating a poor excuse of a ladies' man, thrown in a punch of diversities and almost completely wiped out the human race in the process. Because they turned the lead into a nice guy, somehow the chemical they used somehow leaked into the creation of every living thing to the point where even the supposed "villain" is nothing more than a feminine sissy boy who is upset that s/he can't have everything.
In an attempt to ensure equality and fairness, Squarecrops (which later underwent a change to Squarey-Nips) took the DNA of several human beings and injected them into various species of animals, therefore allowing everyone to become humanoid beings that freely roam the earth and maintain a higher level of speech than actual humans. It is believed that this is the doing of orphaned children who broke into the offices during the staff Christmas party and completed the project without anyone realising. Despite this, this game was directed by Hero-yucky Eater and Hero-nobody Guchi-bag. This game is also known for its bare minimum use of soft porn.
Plot[edit]
At the start of the game, Zidane, a monkey who belongs to a group of grotesque outcasts, is asked to capture the princess Garnet so that they may offer up a virgin sacrifice for their kingdom of Windybum. Meanwhile, an orphan black kid sneaks into the Egyptian castle of Alexandria and tries to burn the place down as a sign of rebellion. The queen, a distant relation of Jabba the Hutt, experiences a bad case of wind, resulting in a catastrophic fart that knocks a passing airship out of the sky, along with Zidane, the orphan terrorist Vivi, the princess and her homosexual bodyguard. After escaping from three black terrorists intent on ruining the sacrifice by wanting to rape the princess, the four of them go to Windybum to perform the ritual at the end of the ceremony. Zidane tries to flirt with a prostitute named Freer, despite her being a rat, before being invited back to her place in the next city. The orphan boy follows because he believes everyone else to be racist towards him.
Garnet goes home with her homosexual bodyguard, where she is grounded by her mom and locked in the basement, not being allowed to call her friends. While she sleeps, two clowns try to gang-rape her, but gets rescued by Zidane. They go to another continent so they can get married and adopt the orphan, who is still following them, as well as a horny girl and her pet cat. Kooja, who is supposed to marry Garnet and rule the world with her, is most upset and throws a massive hissy fit, causing the queen to die of laughter. Garnet, who learns that she is the new queen, throws a massive party that gets out of hand and destroys half of her kingdom. Outraged that her friends let it happen, she refuses to speak to them for months. To lighten the mood, Kooja invites everyone to his palace for high tea, while secretly scheming to kill them and claim the kingdom for his own. The plan backfires and Kooja instead kidnaps the horny girl and tries to sell her into child labor.
Zidane buys her back and decides to go back to his home in the future, with the orphan boy STILL following him around. Since they are still married, Garnet is forced to go with him, as well as her homosexual bodyguard. The five of them live as one big family, with Freer as their pet rat, and are joined by a genderless slob who eats all their food, and a ginger guy with facial hair. Cue Planet of the Apes.
Characters[edit]
Zidane[edit]
Zidane is a monkey who broke free from the zoo. Due to his primal instincts, he is prone to try and mate with any female regardless of their appearance. He wears blue clothes, because everything about this game revolves around the color blue in some way, but when he is in Trance mode he sheds all of his clothing and unleashes his primal heritage accompanied by a glowing pink aura, indicating that he gains power from nudity. Fearing that people would react badly to his cheerfulness, he decides to have a brief emo moment to try and win everyone over, however he is no Cloud or Squall.
Vivi[edit]
Vivi is a black mage child who has no parents. He spends most of his time crying because he thought he was hipster until he realised that no only are there others like him, but they all take an adult form. When he isn't crying, Vivi likes to set imperial cities on fire.
Steiner[edit]
Steiner is a stuck-up nerd who likes to spend his time around teenagers, notably the princess with whom he is infatuated with, and Vivi, whom he approaches one night while he is in bed and asks Vivi to work some magic on his sword. Steiner has the biggest crush on Beertricks, but she is even more stuck-up than him and he doesn't know she is secretly a lesbian.
Garnet[edit]
Garnet is a teenage brat who spends all day in her castle. When she doesn't have her own way, she is known to try running away from home but fails every time. She has imaginary friends who live inside different crystals because she doesn't have any real friends. Zidane's crew wants to use her as a virgin sacrifice, however they don't know that Garnet was once a horny girl until she grew up. She has since decided on becoming a lesbian and has given herself a stylish new haircut to match. She and Beertricks have been seen going down to the basement together, quite often.
Freya[edit]
Freya is a rat who has learned to walk and talk and participate in animal-slaughtering competitions, just like a human being. It is implied that she and Zidane had/have a secret love affair.
Quina[edit]
Quina is a fat person who eats all the food, otherwise serves no real purpose in the storyline. She eats herself at the end of the game, causing a space-time paradox that ultimately destroys the universe.
Eiko[edit]
Eiko is an immature child who's been living by herself and her pet cats. She has a massive horn protruding from her head and wings on her back, in the hopes that one day she will evolve into a unicorn. She marries into Windybum's royal family and kills everyone, inheriting the throne by default.
Amarant[edit]
Amarant is a ginger man with a ginger beard, but because his skin is blue it is believed that he is actually dead, having been drowned for some time, but recently brought back to life. Him and his wife Lani are always fighting each other. Like Zidane, he also gains power from nudity when in Trance mode. Unlike him though, he doesn't need any overcompensating.
Kuja[edit]
Kuja is the stroppy villain of the game. However, no one takes him seriously because he is a drama queen. Kuja dresses flamboyantly and plans to take over the world, but because he has a massive crush on Zidane, he is easily overpowered and loses the will to live.
Reception[edit]
Final Fantasy IX contrasted starkly to the fanboy favourite. Thus, it received mostly negative reviews. In fairness to the critics the graphics sucked and the storyline sucked and the characters sucked except for the doll. These things convinced the gaming media that FF9 was probably the worst game in the series. Obviously these people haven't played Final Fantasy X-2.
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