Final Fantasy IV
CECIL BECOMES A LIGHT PALADIN WITH LONG SILKY HAIR, KAIN IS A TRAITOR, ROSA WILL NEVER STOP BITCHING AND WHINING, RYDIA DOESN'T DIE WHEN THE SHIP CRASHES, YANG DOESN'T DIE EITHER, AND NEITHER DOES THE SPOONY BARD, THE TWINS ARE TURNED TO A STATUE AND FROZEN TO LOOK LIKE THEY'RE USING A DOUBLE-ENDED DILDO. SICK.
may follow. Read on at your own discretion.| Final Fantasy IV | |
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| Developer(s) | CocaCola Beverages |
| Publisher(s) | Doritos |
| Release date | 2-3 centuries ago |
| Genre | Boring |
| Platform(s) | Playstation |
| Port | Port of Tacoma, Washington |
| Rating | 0.2 stars |
| Would Hugo Chávez play it? | Nobody cares |
Final Fantasy IV (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーIV; Fainaru Fantajī Aye-Vee) is a high-scoring, best-selling game in the Final Fantasy series. It introduced many new aspects to the series, such as plot, names, and numerous characters wearing very similar armor that you can hardly distinguish from one another. The story takes place in a fictional world, and, like all Final Fantasy games, follows the game's lead character as he ignores a hot girl trying to seduce him, and stalk his "best friend" instead.
Upon release, the game received mixed reviews, with some praising the main cast's stand-out appearance and personality, and others insulting its retarded plot twist near the end.
Plot[edit]
The game begins on an airship specialized in holding fashion shows. Cecil, a supermodel, is showcasing various armor designs when he is attacked by a monster. He is able to defeat it with the help of his crew, "The Armorelle Fashion House Crew." He then returns to the castle to talk to the king, who is his father, but at the same time not his father. Cecil and Kain; his BFF and top jump-dancer gamer, receive an assignment from the King. As a dark knight with a high position, he and Kain got the most dangerous mission; delivering a box.
On the way, Cecil begins questioning the kings motives, why he decided to assign Cecil a job for a pizza delivery boy. He is later re-assured by Kain, who is very loyal to the king. The two arrive at the destination, and after opening the box, Cecil and Kain are terrified when they found out that the box, somehow, contained fire. Realizing the king had effectively troll'd them, Cecil and Kain decide to oppose the king. Before leaving, they notice a small girl, mourning her mothers death. Kain proceeds to kill her, but his nicey-nicey BFF stops him, and suggests raping her instead. The girl loses her sane and attempts to beat the living lights out of them, and somehow manages to do that by summoning a genie, who in turn fucks the place up.
Knocked unconscious, Cecil wakes up to find himself "accidentally" on top of the unconscious little girl. Determined to save her, and not giving a shit about his nowhere-to-be-found comrade, Kain, Cecil takes Rydia to a nearby town so they rest in an inn. Later, Wild bad guys appear! Cecil defends Rydia, and when she sees that, she starts taking a liking to him. Cecil decides to go back to Baron and lecture the king about his oh-not-so-kind doings, but on the way, he finds Rosa, being the usual bitch she is, sick. Somehow, Final Fantasy manages to temporary transform to a Zelda game, as Cecil and Rydia now have to go find the cure for Rosa. On the way to find the cure, they meet some old fart who is not a pedophile, and goes by the name Tellah. Fascinated by Rydia's summoning abilities and Cecil's dark knight power. He decides to help them get the cure thinking it would make him look younger. The trio then decide to head over to Damycan, a castle that got fucked once they laid their eyes on it.
Inside, they find some NPC at the brink of death, and her boyfriend, Edward, crying just like he's going to do through the rest of the game. Tellah is mad at Edward for being such a pussy, and a fight ensues. Anna somehow gets back to life, stops the battle, then dies again. Tellah rage quits and Edward cries. AGAIN. Rydia bitch slaps him and and tells him to man the fuck up. She also bribes him to take them to the place the cure is being kept. After getting the cure, they go back to Rosa and treat her. Of course, in the medieval times, medicine took 2-3 seconds to function, and Rosa is okay again. They then decide the next stop is some town filled with bald people.
Unfortunately, the road to that town is blocked by ice, and Rydia can't cast fire after witnessing her hometown become a grilled steak suitable for serving at Chili's. Instead of using a match or firewood like any group of human beings with brains, the party tries convincing Rydia to use the fire spell instead. After hearing Rosa's whining about being stuck for 3 hours and not progressing further, Rydia is able to cast fire, hoping it would make Rosa shut the fuck up. On the way, the party meets a bald guy who looks like a penis shooting semen, called Yang. Noticing he's fighting monsters, Cecil and company decide to help. Cecil tells Yang that a guy called Goalbeez is going to reduce his town to ashes, then do a moonwalk on the dead bodies afterwards.
When arriving at the castle, the girls are taken to safety because of the kings sexist policies, while Yang, Cecil and Edward (who was mistaken for a guy), stay and fight. After fighting Goalbeez' soldiers off, the trio find themselves in the crystal room, along with Rydia and Rosa. Kain appears, visibly angry at Cecil for not giving a shit about him being MIA, and beats the shit out of Cecil, just like Golbez beats the shit out of Yang and Edward. They also take Rosa hostage, making her the Bitch in Distress of the game. The party gets on a ship, but they later find out the ship's warranty was worn out around 300 thousand years ago, and the ship crashes. Everyone dies. The end.
Characters[edit]
Cecil University of Harvard[edit]
When the game starts, Cecil is an evil, fearsome, dark knight and a part-time supermodel. However, after a certain incident, his morals change, and he becomes an hero instead. Known as simply 'Ceci' to his friends, he grew up with Kain and Rosa, and is the son of Harvard, the university. He is also the one responsible for blowing the shit out of Rydia's town. In battle, Ceci's abilities are that of a knight, and aids his comrades with powerful blows. Or at least used to aid, because after transforming into a Paladin, Ceci is completely and utterly useless unless he uses his "darkness" ability which lasts for no more than 30 seconds. He also goes back to lvl 1 midway through the game, making all your level grinding before that part as useful as a bathing a peace of shit using piss.
Kain High "on" Cocaine[edit]
Is a dragoon, and Ceci's Best Friend Forever. Famous for wearing armor just like every other fucking character in the game, and for his first name rhyming with his last. Kain backstabs Ceci later because unlike him, he's not stuck in the friend zone. His feelings for Rosa are pure, and a huge amount of the fanbase think they should've gotten together because he's a major A-hole and she's a bitch: chemistry. Kain's abilities in battle are that of a hyper rabbit. It takes about 5-10 minutes for him to land from a typical jump.
Ready? Yea[edit]
Is a little girl with Greenhair's Syndrome. Rydia is the last surviving air-bender Uchiha summoner. She's lost when the ship crashes, but later returns, 11 years older, after being eaten by a water dragon, however that shit worked. In battle, Rydia uses black magic and summoning. They're really the same thing except that summoning uses shitload of her power which is why nobody uses her summoning ability.
The Legend of Rosa[edit]
The aforementioned whiny bitch, Rosa, is a white mage and an archer at the same time. Rosa's main role in the game is giving you pointless gameplay as she can't do her own shit by herself, and makes you do everything for her instead; such as having to get medicine for her when she's sick, or having to rescue her from the bad guy's grip. Kain's feelings for Rosa is also the main reason he turned his back on Cecil. In battle, Rosa is only, and ONLY good for healing. She sucks with a bow and arrows and her attacks are as strong as tickling.
Yang[edit]
Is a Chinese monk. He plays no role in the story and is better off dead after the ship crashes. In battle, he fights with the same tool he uses for masturbating: his hands. Possibly the only character other than Rydia who isn't actually useless, Yang does more damage with his slaps than Cecil does with his sharp-sword. His ability "focus" doesn't do anything, and is implemented in the game as a joke that nobody got.
Edward Cullen[edit]
Is a vampire spoony bard who gets depressed after his girlfriend dies in a castle. Edward is also full-time pussy, and hides behind little girls during battles. Edward wants to get revenge on Baron because they killed his girlfriend who was obviously retarded for ever going out with him. In battle, Edward gives the party what they need most, songs. He also plays ugly music, making the enemy's eardrums explode, giving the other party members the chance to attack them.
PomPom and PamPam[edit]
Twins where the boy looks like a girl and the girls looks like a boy. PomPom and PamPam are useless in battle just like all the other characters, because like PomPom, Rosa already can heal you, and like PamPam, Rydia can cast magic. They are also frozen to statue form because the writer felt the cast is getting too big.
American Port[edit]
Having snobbed the American market for their second and third releases because of the feedback they got about the first Final Fantasy being "too difficult" and having "too many numbers and not enough explosions", Square decided to venture into the western market again with Final Fantasy IV, its scenario having already so many similarities with a typical Hollywood dud. They however made some changes to the final product out of fear of offending the simple people of the occident.
- For one, they made the bosses easy enough for a Turbo controller with its button stuck to beat the entire game on its own. To simplify the gameplay further, they removed some battle commands which could have been too dangerous or distracting, such as "Dark Wave," which inflicts damage both on the enemies and the player. Because, like, that's just confusing and players would end up killing themselves or something.
- Secondly, they significantly dumbed down the dialogues for easy and fast reading, making everybody speak in three-to-four words sentences, and hence sound like they stopped to have a conversation although they're late for a meeting or rushing to the bathroom. To do this, they removed all the bits about metaphysics and the secret of happiness, and filled the holes with cookie-cutter stories about evil, crystals, light, and stuff like that.
- Finally, some changes were made to the nomenclature. Edward's orignal name, "Gilbert," was changed as they mistakenly believe Gilbert was the name of a sacred American totem. They also renamed the legandary white magic spell from "Holy" to "White," going from the strange presumption that western Christianity was focused on white supremacy. At last, the title's number went from four to two, as marketing feared that "Final Fantasy IV" would end up being pronounced "Final Fantasy ivv".
Americans were none the wiser until several years later, when Square-Enix started releasing ports of most of their classics, including Final Fantasy IV, for the PlayStation. These ports were much more like the original games, which inadvertently made their web of lies collapse. Since then, Square-Enix released ports of Final Fantasy IV on every possible platform except Nintendo 64: Game Boy Advance, Nintendo DS, WonderSwan, N-Gage, TI-83, Virtual Boy and VIC-20, each one with worse versions of the original score than the last, in a tireless yet futile effort to make the world forget the SNES port ever existed.
Controversy[edit]
When the game was released, several protests aroused due to the game being a controversial one. The game features same-sex marriage, bad language and sexual images in the form of gang rape. Sumreligious Muthafucka, editor of the Knock Knock Who's There Jehovah's Witnesses magazine, stated that after playing the game, he was "shaking. I was so scared, it's like Satan was feeling me up. I could feel him!" Tetsuya Nomnom, creator of the game, has stated that there is no same-sex marriage in the game, "Cecil is a guy," he commented, "deal with it!"
Perhaps the most controversial scene (perhaps not), is the scene where Tellah and Edward have a fight, and Tellah insultingly calls Edward a "spoony bard", possibly for eating spaghetti using a spoon during their last supper. The insult also went popular with fans, being one of the most memorable scenes in Final Fantasy history. If not the only memorable one.
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