Ifrit
Ifrit (Arabic: ʻIfrīt: عفريت, pl ʻAfārīt: عفاريت) is a type of demon portrayed in the Qur'an as a conniving flame spirit, though in most artwork he better resembles an oversized caveman. He often appears in red, although early works dress him in a bikini.
Ifrit has penetrated modern Western culture. He is a staple in Final Fantasy I through to LVIII. The Marvel Comics Universe casts him as the Human Torch (a member of the Fantastic Four).
Existing as a spirit, Ifrit occasionally manifests himself through a human who shares a Junction Bond with him. However, Ifrit may only be Junctioned to fictional fantasy characters such as King Solomon, and also through those who have played enough Final Fantasy that their minds have been overrun with Chocobo and Moogles.
Creation[edit]
There are many different theories to how this God of Crud and Flame came to be.
One theory is that Dante, the God of Ass Kicking, used his magical Fairy & Pixel Fire Gauntlets to destroy his evil brother, Virgin, by infusing him with the spirit of the Pixie-demon Eefreet, which was blue, blonde, and female. This brother then disappeared into the Lifestream and underwent a multitude of changes before finally re-emerging from Cape Town, South Africa, as a large demon.
Another theory, seemingly crafted by the early Malariasians, states that Ruby, Princess of the City of Treno (The Realm Of Eternal Ladies Of The Night), ran away from her parents to attend Whoreschool, but because she was Malariasian, she had contracted Super AIDS and therefore was not credible enough to attend. Consequentially she slit her wrists (because the majority of Malariasian people were emo).
The most recent and credible theory of Ifrit's creation was that Sea Chimps fed on Dead Hedgehog Matter. This, combined through alchemy, created a large, Santa Claus-like entity.
Ifritians[edit]
Ifritians are those who worship this God of Fire, Autocracy, Burnt Pitas, and Crud. They are often involved in forms of terrorism and self-pleasuring and can often be recognized by their display of clothing labels and their promiscuity. They call themselves Gangstas and are based around the ghetto.
A rogue group of Jenova's Witnesses branched off and decided Ifrit would totally pwn Sephiroth. Sephiroth proved this to be wrong, however, as a war between the two gods sparked off, and Sephiroth totally pwnt Ifrit with his sword.
The recent rise of Ifritianism is a response to the rise in Shiva-ism and also Alexander-ism. A few ascribe the rise in Ifritianism to an increase in the use of playing cards, rather than a deadly battle in which the loser gets sent to the Shadow Realm.
Physiology[edit]
Ifrit enjoys stiff alcoholic drinks, which fuel the large flames that Final Fantasy fanatics call the 'Hellfire' technique. Ifrit often tries to steal Odin's horse and Carbuncle's Ruby from his head. Of course, only the Goddess of Thieves can do this. Her name is Yuffie Kisaragi, who works on the side as a crack whore, pimped out by Ifrit. Many geeky Final Fantasy addicts vicariously experience Yuffie's immoral pleasure. But they have all been deceived — for Ifrit plans to come to you in the dead of the night and take your soul, which the fire demon will absorb. Was it worth the cheap thrill?
Ifrit in the media[edit]
Ifrit has often been used to promote travel destinations such as Tonga, London, and Myspace. Ifrit has also appeared in several movies. His most recent appearance was in the movie Edward Scissorhands, disguised as the beloved emo Johnny Depp.
In the television show American Gods, an Ifrit is used as an extra. He appears as a taxi driver. This is historically inaccurate, as most taxi drivers on the East Coast are Slavs or sometimes Afghans. However, Ifrits are equally likely to take the long way to the desired destination, and to race off with your suitcase if they feel the tip is inadequate. If your Ifrit cabbie runs out of gas and has to get out to refill 'cause it's self-service, you should wait around the corner of a sturdy brick or steel building until the nozzle is again securely sheathed.