Hellfire
Keebler elves, which make all of the Hellfire in the world, have been around for centures, inspiring stories of dwarven miners and gnomes. The evil little bastards spend their time mining ores and boiling them with urine. Stocks of Hellfire are known as uranium, and used as fuel by unwitting humans, thus exploiting the pain in Hell for energy. It was first discovered in the crusades, when some person noted that hot things often were on fire, and also learned to read, thus becoming able to read about Hell and fires in Hell in the bible.
But What Is It, Exactly?[edit]
It is a fire the burns forever. More specifically, Hellfire can be said to be three things, relative to science, religion, and politics. As far as science is concerned, Hellfire is essentially a very hot, melted substance akin to both rock and liquid. It tends to disprove the theory that rock and roll is based upon evil. People have noted that Hellfire, (and lava, a commonly misidentified version of Hellfire,) flow, but do not roll. The rocks that early rock bands were referring to "roll" thus they are solid, and able to revolve around a central point. If the rock was molten, the music would be "Rock n' Flow." Religion defines Hellfire as a painful and condemning, all- consuming flow of hatred and fire mixed up into a doughlike batter by the evil Keebler Elves, which are all known Satan worshippers. This liquid/ gel is poured into and onto massive vats of evil people for the entertainment of Satan and his friends, Bob Dole and Hilary Clinton. Although not confirmed, the elves apparently may be trying to push a new deal in which Satan gives them money for cookies too, but so far no word has been given one way or the other. Politically, Hellfire exists as a stench- ridden and putrid odor and vapor in the Senate whenever any combination of Hilary Clinton, Ivo Robotnik, Ted Kennedy, Bob Dole, John McCain, Any member of the Bush family, or any member of the Defense Commitee meet and talk. It also occurs in the oval office when a Bush or Clinton is in office.
Hell, and the fun you can have there.[edit]
Things to do in Hell include many delightfully evil acts. Unfortunately for the inhabitants, all of these things are very unpleasant, and frequently depraved, deranged, and sexually perverted. For a look at some of the things which happen, see this excerpt from Sickness in hell, a relatively unknown, wildly unpopular series of short stories with little relevance in the world.
"Satan has a much more exciting plan in Hell. He decides to rape his mutated captive for the first time shortly after killing the humans in the world above him. He twists his smaller manhood into the creature for a while, eliciting some pleasure, but grows bored when the mutant stops screaming. He tries larger genitals, but they do not help. After some thought, he rigs up his largest penis and forces the mutant being to crawl into his bloated urethra, licking it clean first, and then being told to dance inside of the member. Satan's eyes glaze over as the thing inside of him pulses, slowly crawling in deeper and deeper until he finds the opening to Satan's testicles, pulling his way into the opening and inserting his head into one of the balls, squishing through the rubbery and acidic semen into the ball further and further, until he curls up in a fetal position in Satan's scrotum. Satan finds this to be most unpleasant, hitting himself in the testicles to try and get the point across that he wishes his manhood to be inhabited, not his sperm making organs. The mutant responds to the blows by slamming a spiny fist into the side of the ball, rupturing it and climbing out into the area between the testicle and scrotum. He makes sure to kick it while leaving, and Satan cups his giant hands over his damaged manhood. As a drastic measure, Satan leaps like a freight train and opens his legs as he flies forwards, slamming balls- first into a column of granite, punching into it so hard that his testicles are shot through the scrotum and wrap back around with a swinging motion, wrapping and tangling the testicular cords around the column, forcing the Devil to carefully extract them, punishing the mutant by inserting him into a fleshy bag full of maggots to be digested slowly as the meat runs out and they begin to bite him bit by bit. Afterwards, the Devil no longer has any problems when he wants someone to lick out his swollen penis."
- (Sickness in Hell XXIII.)
Although Satan feels uncomfortable discussing his sexual nature, he has failed to stop people from discussing it. A sober Satan appeared recently on Fox News, and told the people of America how badly he felt when they confused him with Pan, the horned God of party animals. He was mistaken for Bill O'Reilly for several minutes, and took advantage of this fact by using the airtime to convert people to Satanism. He failed to convert people, as Bill O'Reilly's hold on their minds was far too powerful for any angel of darkness to break.
What does this Shit have to do with Hellfire?!?![edit]
Hellfire is a substance hotter than the core of the sun, and more dense than a conservative's forehead, or a liberal's ass. Found in Hell, it is the chief method of torture there, but also music from Boy George and Madonna have been used to great effect. For a while, the stretching rack and dunking in fiery, rotting piles of dead bodies and pork was favored, but Astaroth managed to convince Satan, who he privately refers to as an old geezer, to use more modern methods.
Hellfire in modern technology.[edit]
The vast amount of Hellfire in modern equipment is astounding to science. In the eighties, a movie, "Gremlins," was made by Satan to explain away why the vacuum- tube computers and lead- fueled automobiles suddenly stopped working at times. However, this story isn't entirely true, as the Mogwai were really demons, related to the Whore of Babylon. There were 666 Mogwai distributed in all parts of the world. This is why electronics, such as Windows Vista, Laptop batteries, Cell phones, microwave ovens, and life support machines, don't normally work when they are needed. This has led to many horror films in which the people, stalked by demons or monsters, try to call the police, and the call either doesn't go through, or there was no coverage to begin with. The Mogwai use Hellfire to fry tiny electrical cords in many products. Normally, these cords are the smallest parts of the machine, are the hardest to remove, the most expensive to fix, and lie in the most deep part of the instrument. Hellfire is, however, currently being tested as a way to block out static interference and radioactivity by secret societies in Idaho. Companies absolutely known to be using Mogwai, or that are currently associated with the Devil are Microsoft, Dell, Compaq, Chiquita, Wal Mart, McDonalds, Wendy's, General Electric, Earache Records, Both American Political parties, and Social Rehabilitation Services, which explains all the rapes and runaways in SRS custodial situations.