“I'm a modest man. I take my private helicopter home from work, park it in my airport, and sleep in my ivory framed bed under panda-skin sheets just like everybody else.”
Bill "Papa Bear" O'Reilly (born September 10, 1949) is an Irish-American political commentator who hosted The O'Reilly Factor on Fox News, a program widely held as the gold standard in U.S. journalism. He leans moderate right on most issues, or at least when compared to Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh. He is also notoriously bad at phone sex — more on that later.
O'Reilly is renowned in the field of political commentary for his strictly unbiased approach to news, his scintillating wit and profound sense of courtesy, and his ability to address the nuances and subtleties of a story whilst raising his voice. His techniques have been described by leading news analysts as "fair and balanced".
O'Reilly was born in 1949 to Irish immigrant parents Mary Baba and Terry Reilly in New York City. Growing up on Long Island, Bill was mischievous, and killed a raccoon and stuffed it in a neighbor's mailbox at the age of four. However, one day, he found Jesus, who directed young Bill to the way of conservatism and prompted him to reform. In 1964, O'Reilly won the Nobel Peace Prize for helping wipe out leprosy in New York, by compelling the lepers with the Power of Christ.
In 1986, great network news and sports tycoon/god Roone Arledge hired O'Reilly as a reporter for World News Tonight. His overly conservative views clashed with demigod anchor Peter Jennings, a diehard liberal. Jennings begged the boss to get rid of O'Reilly, and soon enough Arledge budged. O'Reilly was sent on repeated assignments to Saudi Arabia, where in one memorable episode, he interviewed Mujahideen rebel and war hero Osama bin Laden.
Afterwards, Jennings used his influence to delegate O'Reilly to doing business briefs on the network. O'Reilly would always open his briefs with the same line "I'm Bill O'Reilly, and this is a business brief, and I'm not wearing any briefs." The briefs came to an end after only one year when an apparently drunk and high O'Reilly came on air, announced that the economy was screwed, and attempted to have sex with Barbara Walters on-camera.
“We'll do it live...WE'LL DO IT LIVE! FUCK IT! DO IT LIVE...look, I'll write it and we'll do it live! Fucking thing SUCKS!”
In 1996, O'Reilly packed his bags and moved over to Fox News, where he started his own show called The O'Reilly Factor (also known as The Me Factor). It was a much-respected and renowned program, critically acclaimed for its elegant format and unbiased intellectual discourse. During each 60-minute episode, O'Reilly evaluated a statement made by a politician for truthiness, commented on a current event or the state of the country, chatted with guests over a cup of coffee, and read fan mail to the camera reminding viewers why he is the smartest man alive. Then at the end of each show, he would shoot two liberals in the kneecaps. If the gun jammed, he just looked sheepishly at the camera and mumbled "Frodo Lives" until Fox broke for a commercial.
O'Reilly's continued efforts on his show to smite the liberal media and secularists provided means for his selection as a major General of the Second Civil War: the War Against Secularism. This format proved to be immensely popular with millions of viewers every night, making The O'Reilly Factor the second-highest-rated evening show for viewers over 50, after reruns of Green Acres. In 2017, O'Reilly left Fox due to more sexual harassment allegations (as if the 2005 phone sex one wasn't enough).
In 1998, O'Reilly wrote a crime novel, Those Who Trespass, about Shannon Michaels, an Irish-American TV journalist who seeks revenge for the loss of his job at Global News Network by systematically murdering everyone he holds responsible. The hit list of this roman à clef includes a woman named Hillary and a portly gentleman named Martin Moore.
Phone sex scandal
In 2004, O'Reilly was sued by a former Factor producer for sexual harassment. He is reported to have phoned her and advised her to use a vibrator and a "falafel" (presumably he meant a loofah, a sponge, or lafah, the kind of flatbread falafel is often wrapped in). The multi-million-dollar suit was settled out of court. The terms are, of course, confidential, but it is believed that O'Reilly paid multi-millions of dollars to her as "hush" money. The settlement occurred one day before audiotapes of the calls would have been reviewed in court. As part of the settlement the tapes were destroyed, but (depending on who you ask, thankfully or horrifyingly) there are complete transcriptions of the lewd phone calls in the original lawsuit, as well as audiobooks adapted from these calls.
Fun with Bill and Al
An episode of The O'Reilly Factor from May 2013 began with a graphic featuring of a photo of conspiracy
wackjob theorist Alex Jones with the words "Hate Speech" next to it. Jones reacted with the amount of dignity you might expect, calling O'Reilly a "coward", "punk", and "rat bastard" on his way to challenging him to a pay-per-view boxing match. Jones then kept on going a day later, referring to O'Reilly as resembling a "giant ferret" and bringing up the aforementioned 2004 phone sexual harassment incident. Unfortunately, this brouhaha did not result in an actual boxing match between the two or something equally outrageous.
O'Reilly likes to get his point across by shouting the words "Shut up!" ad nauseam. He differs from most of his Fox News peers (and most Republicans in general) in his claimed support for gun control, acknowledgment of the existence of global warming, support for civil unions and gay adoption, and opposition to the death penalty.
Rear Admiral O'Reilly also leads his legions into battle every December against the vile secular progressives in the War on Christmas (despite his own sabotage to the cause), in the name of traditional Christianity (by his definition of the term, anyway). In 2012, he justified his pro-Christmas attitude by arguing that Christianity was not a religion.
O'Reilly is divorced, and his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy, has accused him in court of abuse. He's also tried to get her excommunicated from the Catholic Church, annul their marriage (despite it producing two children), bought off their "neutral" child therapist, and tried to ruin the career of her new husband.