Jesus

So you want to learn more about Jesus?

Here is a list of the various interpretations and related personages attributed to Jesus. Further information can be found by visiting some of the places frequented by Jesus: Israel, the houses of tax collectors, big open fields, Heaven, and the southeastern US (proving that He could walk on swampland as easily as on water).

The Sacred Host of Major Jesii[hide]

Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus.
Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself; the one who started it all!	Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus
Jebus: Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother	Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus
Evil Jesus: Drunken saviour, friend of whores and thieves.	Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware
Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes!	Your own: Personal Jesus
Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere!	¿Qué?: Jesús
Ultra Jesus: All Jesii wrapped into one	Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus
The moral superiority of being religious, without the calories: Jesus Lites™	Back with a vengeance! Zombie Jesus
Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said.	Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus

The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii[hide]

Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you	What would Jesus smoke? Sweet smoking Jesus
Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter	Salvation by Trickle-Down: Supply-side Jesus
Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: He drank TOO much wine.	Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah
For your tiny sins: MicroJesus	Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus
Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone	He's blonde, cultish, and believes in racial purity. No, he's not a Nazi, he's Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV	An alpha prototype Christ: Jesus 1.5a
Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find	The one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something: Jesus LaBrie
MC Jesus: The Jewish Rap Sensation

The So-So Company of Other Jesii[hide]

Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus.
Monster Jesii
Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard	Save yourself from Werejesus!
Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark	And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus
Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out!	This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus
Munchie Jesii
Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good.	Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus
Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES!	Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick!

The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii[hide]

Pity them, and feed them table scraps. If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch!
Bad Jesii
All Jesii wrapped into no-one: Atheist Jesus	Sabbath Night Fever: The Bee-Jesus
Piss Christ: Ewww!	You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus
Evil Jesus: Careful of this Jesus	"Promoting God's chain of Churches": McJesus
Prehistoric Jesus: The find of the century	Djesus: French Jesus
The real reason Christ was crucified: Jesus of Jerusalem	And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus

Original Jesus was said to be emo.
This is evident from his self harming, which can be seen on his hands and feet

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