Chiropractor Jesus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The notorious "Doctor" D.D. Palmer. Note the wild look in his eyes: it's not insanity, it's revelation!

Chiropractor Jesus, or ChiroJesus as He is known to adept chiropractors, is the source of the chiropractor's magic powers. Certain mythological creatures such as elves, trolls, and anal glands are attributed with founding the Pseudoscience of chiropractic by so-called "straight" chiropractors, but revisionist historians have proven that ChiroJesus was in fact the illucid D.D. Palmer, the messiah of health care fraud.

In the beginning[edit]

Little is known of the childhood or miraculous birth of Palmer. According to the fictionalized account of his life, The Jerk, starring podiatrist Steve Martin, he was born a poor black child. Palmer's late teens and twenties were marked by successive divinely revealed "discoveries" in the sciences of magnetic healing, phrenology, alchemy, and quantum chromodynamics.

In 1895 Daniel David (D.D.) Palmer claimed to have restored the hearing of a janitor named Harvey Lillard. Palmer wrote that Lillard was so deaf that "he could not hear the racket of a wagon on the street or the ticking of a watch." Palmer chatted with the janitor, examined him, found a vertebra out of whack, racked it into position and the man's deafness disappeared. Palmer then announced that all diseases were caused by misaligned vertebrae.

More than one chiropractic historian has wondered how Palmer could have had a conversation with a deaf man.

Unfortunately, Palmer was a horrible representative of his own cures. He was plagued by demons and locusts for several years, which kept most prospective customers away. In Peebucket, Missouri he was reduced to making a living dousing for water.

Revelation of subluxations[edit]

D.D. Palmer, a.k.a. Chiropractic Jesus, dances after raising Himself from the dead.

On March 18, 1907 D. D. Palmer died in a freak water-divining accident. Three days later, he jumped out of his coffin while he was being waked, much to the chagrin of the as-yet unpaid mortician. Palmer quickly wrote the word "subluxation" on a handy sheet of paper with no explanation. At first he said it referred to vertebrae being "under" (sub) "Luxor" (in Egypt), but that made no sense. Then he claimed that vertebrae which are improperly aligned, which made as good use of a made up word as any other definition.

According to skeptics, for whom nothing but facts will do, there is much doubt about the veracity of the term in relation to much of anything, as seen below:

“What's a subluxation?

Here's a simple definition. It's the thing, whatever it is, and whether it exists or not, which chiropractors claim to treat to help you get well.
That definition is both vague and accurate. Because, 100 years after D.D. Palmer invented the profession of chiropractic, chiropractors still can't agree on what a subluxation is. And, they still don't know if it really exists.”

~ on what's a subluxation?

No one pays much attention to this because these skeptics are shills for the American Medical Association. For decades the AMA has fought against chiropractic's right to exist, in the same vein that some Palistinians reject Israel. However, take away the safety blanket of "science" and "proof", and their case collapses like the filthy, pedophile-ridden cancerous organization that it is.

The apostles[edit]

On Feb 29, 1898 ChiroJesus met with a group of undistinguished gentlemen who incorporated a fraternal order in San Francisco called, "The League of Extraordinary Bullshit Artists". Their first meal together was take-out Chinese, called among their own, "The First Supper". These men immediately recognized a sham, quasi-religious crock when they saw it, and set to capitalizing on it.

Today the date is rememberd as "Chiropractic Christmas" or "Chiromas". Gifts of snake oil are exchanged and chiropractors greet one another with, "Crackly Chiromas, brother!", or sister, as the case may be. ChiroJesus and His Apostles worked feverishly create a unified front in practices, ethics, and sheer brass ones. Eventually rival schools formed around each Apostles particular mix of disciplines such as naturopathy, osteopathy, homeopathy, candling, and cow tipping.

“Further conceptual development continued until Palmer's (second, ed.) death in October, 1913, and is reflected in his 1910 volume, The Chiropractor's Adjuster and his posthumously published The Chiropractor (1914).”

~ on on a bunch of stuff some dead chiropractors did

Some of the apostles of ChiroJesus went on to found monasteries, inner-city clinics, and methodologies of extracting payments from Medicare.

A.P. Davis, MD, DO, DC, ND
He and I. P. Daly were the first martyrs for chiropractic, they were executed by satire squad in Memphis, Tennessee, 1926.
Saint B.J. Palmer (the Younger), DC
Founder of the "Our Lady of Perpetual Payments" school for chiropractic and dog grooming in 1938.
Saint Solon Massey Langworthy, DC
Convinced President Harry Truman to install air conditioning in the White House, sold banjos off a truck.
Saint Oakley G. Smith, DC, DN
Named after sharpshooter Annie Oakley and cough drop magnates, the Smith Brothers, he left his vast wealth to the Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.

Shore leave with the sailors[edit]

In the brig, ChiroJesus picked up this little sleight of hand from a man imprisoned for being an idiot.

In 1918, ChiroJesus fell in with some sailors on shore leave, got arrested, and spent the night in the drunk tank. The smell of low tide in proximity to the jail house made Him retch for 40 days and 40 nights, then there was a flood or something. Anyway, the important thing is, nobody lost an eye.

Show me the money[edit]

As with any profession/clerical calling, the wheels of chiropractic are greased with money. Chiropractors refer to their little endeavors to bilk unsuspecting victims is called, "Practice building", and comprises about 87% of a student's efforts at a chiropractic "college".

“How do chiropractors convince parents to rely on chiropractic? To find out, I contacted about 100 Canadian practitioners over a two-year period -- sometimes making it plain that I was a physician, and sometimes posing as a parent. From these encounters and an analysis of several chiropractic textbooks and other materials, I have identified ten points that chiropractors often make in talking with parents. The first five are used to help parents overcome their doubts about trying an unorthodox treatment. The next four extol the benefits of chiropractic, often at the expense of medicine. The last statement helps ensure that patients will stick around for a while.”

~ on the importance of being an earnest capitalist

More than anything else, ChiroJesus wants Mankind to get regular adjustments and tell our friends about how chiropractic has changed our lives. His mission is still undertaken by those who aren't quite medical school material, or think they can get a doctor's respectability with a three years post-graduate "work".

In the "High End Times", ChiroJesus and Satan Bunny will attend a "Great Reefer Smoke-Off", listen to the Grateful Dead, and all the righteous will rise off their chiropractic adjustment tables and sing praises to ChiroJesus. It'll be magnificent!