Steve Martin

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Steve performing with Take That on their Everything Changes tour. That's great, Steve...

“We are two very WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!”

~ Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd on something

“Bugger off and mind yer own!”

~ Robbie Williams on Steve Martin's practical jokes

Steve Martin is an actor/musician, best known as a member of the British rock band Take That.


Steve Martin is a comedian whom older people think is funny, despite not being able to name a single funny movie he’s been in. In the 1970s, Martin reportedly went on a date with Maureen McCormick of the iconic television show The Brady Bunch. Despite being stoned out her mind, McCormick could not bring herself to laugh at a single one of Martin’s many jokes. In recent years, Martin has added to his long resume of unfunny. He’s starred in such gut busters as “The Pink Panther,” and its sequel “The Pink Panther 2: a veiled attack on Martin’s sexuality.” The first film holds a 22% fresh rating from and the second movie barely made its money back.

Why do people like Steve Martin?[edit]

People generally like Steve Martin because he’s a nice guy – not very funny but pretty nice. This endearing quality has earned him accolades and fans. Unlike unfunny douche bag Dustin Diamond, Martin is both approachable and a non-weirdo who’s never sought sex from strangers while at a Disneyland theme park.

Early Days and the First Campaign[edit]

Steve Martin, as he is commonly known, real name Navin R. Johnson (a.k.a. Gurn Blanston, a.k.a Bbbbbbbbb), was born a poor, black child. The Stevester grew up witnessing the bleak, dark world of Gotham City, and it was here he learned all of his wisdom. As a child, he first sought to end all corruption in government by devising a sinister scheme to destroy all the government office buildings of Gotham; religious historians believe this scheme would have been carried out with either nuclear warheads or fried chicken, and the philosophical debate rages. After a long struggle, this First Campaign was brutally put down by Batman and his crack team of neurosurgeons.

"Altering" there Stevester's brain in the attempt to turn him to good, only succeeded in making him much more powerful. Martin escaped the laboratory and formed his own underground scientific research chamber, where he experimented by altering his own body to match that of rubber. He later invented the glue-gun, and he sadistically tortured his enemies with the shout, "I'm rubber, and you're glue! Mwahahaha!", and then glued his enemies to various national landmarks.

The Second Campaign[edit]

The Stevester then used his underground network of spies and ninjas to gain further information as to the whereabouts of Batman. He then allied with the Joker, from which he gained the comedic knowledge that would later mask his true identity. Using copious quantities of balloons, the unholy pair wreaked havoc on Gotham. The Stevester put his latest weapon to practice, the almighty plastic bow and arrow, to completely eliminate the government system of Gotham that the Stevester had long sought to destroy.

The campaign went south after Batman showed up, having been delayed by his affair with Catwoman. However, Batman was mistaken after he investigated the north part of Gotham, alas, completely missing the Joker and the Stevester who were hiding in the south.

Robin, however, showed up and made the Second Campaign, as it was known to be called, truly go south. After alerting Batman of the Joker's location, Batman showed and knocked the Joker off of a really high tower. Unbeknownst to Batman, however, the Stevester had been hiding from Batman's view, and Batman was completely shocked to find his old arch-nemesis standing behind him on the tower of doom.

Shouting, "EXCUUUUSE MEEEE!", Martin launched his mighty bow and arrow set directly at Batman. Of course, Batman had his trusty Arrow-Reversal Spray on his utility belt, and sent the arrow back at the Stevester. The arrow lodged itself firmly in Martin's brain, but because Martin was made of rubber, it stayed and rendered no effect.

Then Robin showed up, and outnumbered two to one, the Stevester snarled, sent up a cloud of smoke, and disappeared, fading from the public eye.

The Third Campaign[edit]

The arrow in Martin's brain, while unaltering his overall ingenuity, caused his hair to turn grey prematurely. Seeking revenge, the Stevester fled to Old Alaska.

It was here he spent in recluse, plotting his revenge and mastering his greatest invention yet, the banjo.

The Stevester needed to lure Batman into his sinister trap, but he needed bait. He chose Christopher Walken.

Thenceforth, he set his plan in motion. Changing his looks entirely, the Stevester attempted to guise his overall apperance by making himself appear as a stand-up comedian. Under his mask, he gained the hearts and minds of the American people, and all the hearts and minds he did not need he donated to an organ bank. One of these minds would later go on to serve Frankenstein, but that is another story.

Using his newly-gained hearts and minds, he devised his own secret factory, where he created even more destructive weapons. While appearing as harmless bunny-ears and fake eyeglasses, he secretly implanted mind-control devices in each one. He then used a series of advertisements, showing young people dancing, to quickly spread his new products. Because everyone wanted to be cool, hip, and sexy, these products wound their way into every household.

Then, he enacted stage two of the Third Campaign. He appeared on national television and played his almighty banjo. A select group of people, with their minds altered, immediately formed Greenpeace. The group of once-innocent people became terrorists bent to Martin's will, and announced their target, the beloved Christopher Walken.

Batman, knowing nothing of the true master of Greenpeace, immediately showed to protect the almighty Walken from harm. The Stevester then sprung his trap: his next banjo-performance had summoned an army of zombies to eliminate Martin's two greatest enemies, Walken and Batman.

Just when the pair were surrounded and all hope was lost, Martin stopped the attack and revealed his true scheme. He offered the hapless pair a choice: Only one of them was allowed to live.

Batman nobly volunteered himself. Walken said, "Okay!" and pushed him into the crowd of zombies. Walken then flew away, and, unbeknownst to Martin, conferred with Leeroy Jenkins in his ice fortess.

The Reign of Terror[edit]

With Batman eliminated and Walken hiding, the coast was clear for Martin to become supreme dictator of the world, and, to a greater extent, France.

The Stevester's army of zombies swept through the world, bringing the reign of Steve Martin the Terrible.

Walken, in hiding, launched his counter-attack. Sending in Leeroy as a distraction, Walken snuck into the factory and turned the mind-control switch from "on" to "off".

Immediately, the zombies reverted to their old, innocent state. Steve Martin, in anger, drank his almighty growth potion and swelled to 50 times his normal size. Leeroy fled, deciding to save himself rather than Gotham.

As the Stevester rampaged through Gotham, Walken summoned Ultra Jesus. The ensuing battle was spectacular, with plenty of shiny objects and missles.

The Downfall[edit]

The Stevester was ultimately defeated by Ultra Jesus. He shrunk down to his normal size, only to encounter Walken.

Unbeknownst to anybody at the time, Martin was also a master of Jedi Kung-Fu. Also unbeknownst to anybody at the time, Walken also knew Jedi Kung-Fu, and the ensuing fight was also spectacular, and later made into a feature-length movie.

The Stevester was ultimately defeated by Walken. As he knew of his approaching defeat, he said, "EXCUUUUSE MEEEE!" again, snarled, sent up a cloud of smoke, and disappeared, fading from the public eye.

He has managed to turn tragedy into triumph, however. Soon after his defeat he accepted a teaching position at Whatasamatta U where, in 1978, he had written his doctoral thesis on King Tut. In 2010 he was appointed as the Dean of the School of Archaeology. Though he is not available for comment, friends say that Dean Martin is content with his current position.

Joining Take That[edit]

Martin joined Take That in 1983. He left again in 1997, when the band broke up. He wouldn't return in 2005, but is now currently working on their 2011 latest album.

He is best known for playing practical jokes and toilet humour on the other bandmates. He once peeped in on Robbie Williams when he was on the toilet on their 1992 tour.

See also[edit]